I’m a titanic ten tonne crab / tin can opening a JCB cab / with one fine and furious dab / of its bastard, barnacled claws / whilst the driver dives headfirst through the buckled digger doors / and sprawls / calling and bawling on the pebbly shore / desperately imploring / the abominable crustacean to ignore him / it wasn’t his idea / to start excavations for a new pier / but the crab doesn’t appear / to hear / tosses him down with a monstrous sneer

I’m a southern, soothing, suburban dominatrix / equally lovely in leather or latex / dishing out red pills to show them my matrix / I’ve got off-street parking, free wifi and rope tricks / professionally edited video and dope pics / ignore the reviews – I hate those pricks / my shit is fit, it tastes like weetabix

I’m Galileo / on an interplanetary go slow / dreaming about giving the pope the old heave-ho / chuckling through the wrong end of a bargain bin telescope

I’m sad Sir Lancelot / finally barred from Camelot / off my visor in the parking lot / asking Arthur if the Lady of the Lake is hot / using the Holy Grail as a chamber pot / throwing my tin can legs on my horse but it’s shot / won’t even trot / and I’m sure I’ve got / another one somewhere but I forgot / and I call for my squire because the last time I looked I was still a knight but unfortunately the squire says because of my embarrassing behaviour apparently I’m not

I’m a snoozy Yakuza in the jacuzzi / idly nibbling sashimi with my sushi / one eye on my iphone, one on my Uzi

I’m a reliably pliable MP / conscience and rent free / hear-hearing endlessly / perpetuating the rich white hegemony / just another well-dressed tick / gorging on the body politic / saying there here are more things in heaven and earth Horatio / like off-shore havens and autofellatio