I’m a praying mantis at insect chapel / staring at the beetle priest, ready to grapple

I’m Sean Connery / on the run with a gun from the nunnery / I’m shorry shister, there’s been shome mishtake / it was only meant to be a shpiritule break

I’m the Very Hungry Caterpillar / who shat a pillar / because the ratio and rate / of simple to complex carbohydrate / though admittedly spectacular / wasn’t enough to keep him regular

I’m a recorded message on the pearly gates / St Peter’s sorry for the unexpected wait / please hold – your death is important to us / thanks a million for being so virtuous / you’re number one trillion in our call centre universe

I’m Just Dissect from Burke & Hare / up the close and down the stair / bikes n’bodies everywhere

I’m the Ambassador / spoiling for a massacre / a pearl-handled Glock in the Ferrero Rocher

I’m a snow globe Johnson so bad you wanna break it / a blizzard of lies whenever you shake it

I’m batman / holing up in a seaside caravan / just a little strapped, man / flogged my cape and wheels and that, man / fifty quid the lot on eBay / Robin! Jeez! Take it easy…

I’m Yoda / sitting in a pub with a lime & soda / holding up a paw till the drinking’s done / then saying The taste is STRONG in this one

I’m Mary Poppins jumping BASE / off the roof and off her face / a spoonful of adrenaline helps her go down / flicks the brolly spit spot / lands feet first in the parking lot / while guards from the Fidelity Fiduciary Bank / arrest her for such a dangerous prank / and Dick van Dyke defends her in court / and though he’s such a dear old sport / her case isn’t strengthened / when he pulls down his pants and dances like a penguin