I don’t think there’s anything particularly sinister
that Eton has produced so many prime ministers
it’s not a factory with a neon sign
workers don’t file in respectfully at nine
to stand at a great big assembly line
picking from boxes of eyebrows and toeses
bags of hats, containers of noses
the finished product rolling off in a skip
ready to box-up, pallet wrap and ship

and as far as I’m currently aware
they don’t have a design department there
artists hunched over gleaming desks
sketching out the next grotesques
tall or short, in either sex
with managers arguing in the oaky boardroom
about excess stock in the old school storeroom
and having lots of heated quarrels
about wasting money on giving them morals

No. I think it’s simpler than that
and down to one depressing fact
the pupils are bred to be nonchalant
about taking whatever the hell they want
from public money to a butter croissant
Eton’s just the perfect environment
for growing kids with a sense of entitlement
who see the world as a peach for the taking
and ignoring all the mess they’re making

never mind how the country suffers
from this endless succession of Eton duffers
stomping and stinking up the place
wagging their fancy white fingers in your face
retiring to the Lords while we pay for their mistakes
the old school motto? May Eton flourish!
(which is why the country’s so malnourished)
Britain! A country of venerable institutions
(but very few Eton prosecutions)