The Nimroth Chronicles. Book 1: The Crystal Dagger

There’s something evil stirring in Nimroth
says Pilus to his loyal servant Goph
the dark forces of the Magus Allun
are gathering until they start to threaten
the most Holy Tillott of Shamshotten
who rules all Nimroth in case you’ve forgotten

Meanwhile, in a boujie nail bar in Sidmouth
Ellie Fammish has had enough
of a mother and father
who really would rather
she didn’t keep on about fantasy epics
and focused on her NVQ in cosmetics

Goph travels through the Portal of Schmerd
in the shape of an annoyingly cute little bird
flies through Ellie’s window at night
and uses his bright orange beak to type
a synopsis of the whole Nimroth situation
which Ellie reads with strange recognition

Goph invites her to travel back
to help them ward off Allun’s attack
with the Crystal Dagger of Segrodith
the only thing you can kill him with
(I don’t know why it has to be Ellie
you’ll just have to accept it, unfortunately)

There’s a series of battles; it all goes wrong
Ellie’s imprisoned on the Island of Gabbalong
where she charms a couple of no-good ogres
by accessorising their look with earrings and chokers
so they bust out of prison and fight their way South
to the Castle of Oots where the Tillot’s holding out

Pilus gives her the Crystal dagger
Ellie turns out to be quite the jabber
just as the Allun overruns the parapets
and there’s fighting up and down the steps
till face to face she meets the Magus
and cuts him in half after several pages

The kingdom is won! Ellie is feted!
The Saviour of Nimroth Medal’s created
and pinned to her denim dungarees
with the ogres and whatnot down on their knees
then Goph hops onto her royal shoulder
and when she gets back she’s one minute older

I hope you’re doing lots of studying up there
shouts Ellie’s mum from the bottom of the stairs
Yes mum! says Ellie then laughs with Goph
who twerks and jerks and other cute stuff
as Ellie hides the dagger away in her drawer
and opens Cosmetics! to Chapter 4

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