I’m free as a fart in the late cretaceous / huge and horny and happily herbaceous / munching in swamps that are shit but spacious / but dearie lord and goodness gracious / the atmosphere is quite outrageous / implausibly clawsy and dentally tenacious / why is everything so damned predacious?

I’m a pirate waving his cutlass har-haaar / as he crashes into a seaside bar / demanding to know where the diamonds are / but no-one seems to give a shit / it’s out of season, they’re out of it / a little disappointing I must admit / mate! stow yer noise and quit / yawns the barman, wiping the bar a bit / costume’s great – love the stitchin’ / the curly beard is proper bitchin’ / if you’re lookin’ for work we’re short in the kitchen

I’m a dog on lead, a cat on sax / blasting through the latest tracks / from our platinum album Petallax / rider of bourbon and salty snacks / it’s all good, man, jes’ relax! / we’ll soothe your ears if you scratch our backs

I’m noah’s ark sailing toward / whatever was left when the waters roared / a domestic crew of animals on board / a mouse with a mop, a lion with an ironing board

I’m Gary Cooper in a bar with chaps / snarling hey! this party slaps

I’m a wealthy clown with a squirty cigar / spinning tie and comedy car / rubber teeth and hair bizarre / who goes into politics and gets quite far / as the party-loving ethics tzar

I’m Colonel Mustard in the conservatory with the aneurysm / causing another family schism / the Reverend Plum / acting dumb / thy kingdom come, thy will be done / the old soak’s dead let’s have some fun

I’m a hokey poem about faith n’devotion / stuffed in a bottle and tossed in the ocean