rhyme crimes

the three blind mice
got busted by vice
agreed a price
spilled the cheese on the farmhouse heist
the fugazi tails device
nice

the dish and the spoon
blew cover too soon
the scene was somewhat opportune
we scored the cat, the fiddle, the cow, the moon
– the whole goddamn spittoon
boom

doctor foster
double-crossed her
one last blast of oxycontin then he tossed her
but no WAY had he lost her
he bobbed-up in Gloucester
shocker

old mother hubbard
finally blubbered
tossed her, discovered
a Glock and a Beretta in the cupboard
the murderous old buzzard
god love her

georgie porgy
pie-eyed in a suburban orgy
fingered by clergy
DA says he was DP’d by a Tory
sticking to his story
lawdyIMG_0849

little jack horner?
plum off his tits in the corner?
that crusty little performer?
let me warn ya
he’s our best informer
top dollar

the wee willie winkie case is now officially closed

 

Chapter 10: The Great Escape

The Spaniel – Tunnelling for Beginners – Whose dog is this? – Him or Me – Aeronautics for Houndspaw print
There’s a dog we see on the walk sometimes. Or – not so much see as experience. It’s a spaniel. I think. It’s actually hard to tell, because the moment it catches sight or scent of Stanley, it leaps a foot in the air and explodes into a mad cloud of fur and teeth and howl. Incredibly, it’s the one dog Stanley doesn’t react to. It’s as if the dog is crazy enough for both of them. The owners walk The Spaniel together, in the same way that maximum security prisoners get two guards round the exercise yard rather than one. And no sooner has he launched himself into his terrifying impression of a fire tornado, they huddle round him, shielding him from the thing that set him off, whether that’s a dog, a jogger, a cyclist, a van… I don’t know – a snail would probably push him over the edge.

Needless to say it makes me – and Stanley – feel incredibly smug.
We swap glances.
‘What a carry on…’
‘Some dogs…’
‘Some people…’
‘You’d think they’d show some restraint…’
‘Perhaps we should give them Adina’s number…’
(Although even Adina would struggle giving The Spaniel a treat without him being wheeled out of ECT in a strait jacket).

paw print
Lola has started escaping from the garden, and we think it’s part of a campaign. About Stanley.

We thought she’d accepted him. When we caught them sleeping on the sofa together, it felt like we’d turned a corner. And even though Lola still curled her lip when Stanley tried to steal her chew, mostly they seemed to be rubbing along together pretty well.

The garden is one of those long, thin, suburban affairs, a wooden fence on the left and a juniper hedge on the right. The hedge eventually gives way to an apple tree and a loose attempt to disguise a lot of hardcore as a rockery. It’s the obvious weak spot in the garden’s security, so we’d cobbled together a kind of fence to keep the dogs safe. Plus there was a holly tree and a pyracantha shrub tangled in with it all, which was as good as barbed wire.

So it was a surprise when Lola started turning up next door.

I couldn’t figure out how she was doing it. I could only imagine she’d been working on a tunnel since the day we brought Stanley back from the centre, patiently paddling out a bit of soil at a time, carefully disposing of it in the drive, then covering the entrance up with a door made of grass and twigs. She’s such a clever dog, I wouldn’t be surprised to find a whole trolley system down there, with candles in old tin cans and some bellows made of stolen pillows for ventilation. But as hard as I looked, I couldn’t see any way through the hedge or the fence to next door. And the trouble was, next door had no gate between the garden and the main road.

paw print
One morning, around half five, Kath’s phone lit up.
She groaned, rolled over to see what it was.
‘Oh my God!’
‘What?’
A post on the local gossip page (a bit worrying it’s one of her alerts, but this wasn’t the time or the place to talk about it). A photo of Lola standing defiantly at the top of the road, the wind in her ears. The caption read: Whose dog is this?
Apparently, they’d tried to catch her but she’d given them the slip.
The next thing we knew, there was a single bark at the front door. It was Lola. She gave herself a little shake and came trotting through, and the subtext was clear: This will keep on happening until you get rid of Stanley. It’s me or the lummox.

There was nothing for it but to put the pet flap on and keep them both inside till we’d sorted out the problem.

On my next day off we hacked back all the undergrowth down there. Bought a roll of chicken wire, knocked in some posts, and did everything short of hiring guards to make sure Lola couldn’t get through. Even The Spaniel would’ve burn itself out trying to get through that lot. But Lola? She quietly watched us while we worked, from a distance, her paws crossed so innocently and thoughtfully it was obvious she was planning something, sketching her calculations in the dirt.

She really is a smart dog.

I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see her in a few days, leaping off the roof in a hang glider improvised from a clothes horse and the fleeces from her basket.

thespaniel

re. birnam

I.
it’s all been such a damned slog / a curious fury, a fit in a fog / a snigger of witches, a professional whack / smiling, beguiling, drifting off track / curses, reverses / a shimmy in shorts / best intentions, bad reports / some deadbeat motherfucker / with a spectral dagger and an eyebrow plucker / save it, sucker / you’re out of time and out of luck / back of the line with the rest of the losers / beggars can’t be choosers / sit the hell down or I loose the bruisers

II.
face it / it’s untraceable / no-one’s irreplaceable / write it down we’ll pray for it / now please be quiet please / there are men with glasses watching from the trees / it’s a total rip and a wrap / a knowing wave and a slow hand clap / but wait / wait / even though it’s late / we can jump the castle gate / run to the lake / come on in the water’s great / we can dance freely in the deeps / with all the other aqua creeps / in the tangled lines and lunacies / potentially / happily / temporarily at least

III.
I love the way you argue to the finish / while the draggy day slows and the options diminish / among the alarums and sirens / the sudden silences / dodgy contrivances / like a blind boy pointing to the sun / feeling it on his face like everyone / why not stay and play / go on, say it / no way am I going to pay for it / I was the last and the least / I was the strangely limber, lumbering timber beast / the rotten heart of the forest / unholy / slowly rooting it up the hill / I don’t know / shit – shut the window / tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow / and so on / fuck you witches you won / come, put mine armour on

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angela’s secret

Using the key from the key safe I let myself into the hallway. A steep flight of stairs rises up in front of me; Angela is waiting at the top. I wave, introduce myself.
‘I’ll put my mask and things on in the hall,’ I tell her.
‘That’s right,’ she says. ‘The other nurse did that.’
Angela watches me carefully as I tie on the apron and mask. She’s propped up on an elbow crutch, the light from the maisonette kitchen a bright halo of white around her. Her glasses are enormous – great pale circles – accentuated by her bouffant hair and red lips. It’s like being scrutinised by a species of giant domestic fowl.
‘All done? Good! Into the living room…’
Despite the crutch and her advanced age she vaults the second set of stairs and is well-ahead of me by the time I reach the top.
‘Let’s sit at the table in the window,’ she says. ‘You there, me here.’

I’m already sweating. The room has a close, two-dimensional feel, like the set of a sitcom. Every time I say something I expect to hear canned laughter – except, I don’t get much opportunity, as Angela has all the lines, limiting me to a few nods and uh-hums. In fact, she’s so chatty I have to talk over her to ask a question, apologising for my interruption each time.

I’ve been sent round on a mission to get some clarity. Angela had been referred to us recently for care support and a little physio, but the therapist who did the initial assessment found that actually there was nothing for us to do, and with Angela’s agreement, ended the referral. But then Angela had rung the office to ask where all the help was. It had proved too difficult to figure things out on the phone – for reasons that are now becoming clear – so I was asked to attend.

‘Apologies for being déshabillé. You wouldn’t normally find me waltzing around in a dressing gown at half past ten in the morning,’ she says. ‘But everything’s been so muddled lately. I have this condition you see. Not exactly narcolepsy, but near as damn. Chronic Fatigue syndrome? There are lots of names for it, but it’s really neither here nor there. Take last night, for example. I read through the paper and decided what I wanted to watch. A documentary. On whales. And I settled down in my chair – which isn’t nearly as comfortable as you might think – and I turned on the television set to enjoy it. Well – you see – the next thing I know I’m opening my eyes and it’s half past four in the morning! And I wasn’t just awake, but absolutely and completely awake! So I got up, made myself something to eat, and then sat here at this table, and decided to do the crossword. I had just opened the dictionary to look up a word – I can’t remember which one – but that doesn’t matter – the point is, the next thing I knew, I was opening my eyes again and it was nine o’clock! I’d simply put my head on the dictionary and pfft! The lights had gone out! Well of course this isn’t at all unusual for me. This has happened quite a bit. The doctors are flummoxed. They’ve run all kinds of tests and things but nothing seems to stick….’

I can feel my eyes becoming heavy, too. In fact, I can’t think of anything better than putting my head down on the dictionary and snatching a few hours myself.

‘…I was always a bit of a live wire,’ she says, then stares at me. I’m worried for a second I might have had a microsleep and started snoring, but the moment passes.
‘What did you do before you retired?’ I manage to say, pathetically.
‘Private secretary,’ she says, with a proud snap of her jaws. ‘To an extremely high-profile businessman.’ She taps her nose and winks at me.
‘Goodness,’ I say.
‘Yes. It was a different time altogether. I was on the go from dawn to dusk. Angela! my friends would say to me. Angela! What’s your secret?
‘And what was the secret?’
‘Oh – the usual! A steady nerve, a cool hand and sturdy boots.’

the switch

A high-pitched, whistling kind of voice picks up. I’m guessing it’s George’s wife – although I don’t remember reading in the notes he was married. She repeats the number like it’s nineteen fifty or something.
‘Two four two nine one six’
‘Hello. My name’s Jim. I’m a nursing assistant with the Rapid Response service at the hospital. I’ve been asked to come and visit George this morning. Is he there?’
‘Speaking.’
‘Oh! I’m sorry, George! This phone line’s terrible. I can barely hear you. Let me move position…’
I hold the phone away from my face for a second, then bring it back again.
‘There! That’s better! How are you feeling today, George?’
‘Not bad, thank you. Excepting for this damned leg.’
‘Ah! Well it’s the leg they want me to look at.’
‘Do they?’
‘Absolutely. And to see how else we can help.’
‘That’s very kind of you.’
‘It’s a pleasure. I could be round in half an hour or so…’
‘Lovely. See you then.’

*

I park up on the estate and haul all my bags out of the boot. An elderly woman staggers past, walking a small dog at the furthest extent of the lead. The dog must have recently been showered or something because its fur sticks straight out all over. It drags the woman in my direction, produces a nose from somewhere, and begins sniffing my trousers.
‘He’s cute,’ I say. ‘Or she.’
‘She,’ says the woman. ‘Come on, Marilyn! Leave the nurse alone.’
‘She’s alright! She can probably smell my dogs.’
‘Oh!’ says the woman. ‘What sort?’
‘Lurchers,’ I say, patting Marilyn where I’m guessing the top of her head would be.
‘I love lurchers!’ says the woman. ‘I used to be a volunteer walker at the shelter. Before my hip.’
‘That’s a nice thing to do.’
‘We got up to all kinds of mischief. Mind you – life’s not boring with Marilyn, either. Is it? Hey? Is it?’
She hauls on the lead, and then rolls onwards, rocking from side to side like her legs were on retractable springs.

*

George opens his flat door and stands there watching as I put on my PPE.
‘I’ll be glad when all this is over,’ I say, hooking the mask round my ears.
‘I hope you won’t get too hot in all that,’ he says. ‘Only I put the radiators on to dry my pants.’

It certainly is hot in the flat. George is in his nineties and doesn’t seem to feel it. He is tiny and frail, perfect, in a bloodless kind of way, immaculately dressed in black slippers, sharp-creased slacks held up by braces and a shirt buttoned to the neck. George’s front room is equally squared-away, spectacle cases in a line on the table, neat piles of letters and things, pencils and biros in size order, and a stack of socks so well-ironed they look fresh out of the box. There’s not much in the way of decoration. A simple cabinet with a few photos and things, a couple of old model locomotives, two campaign medals in a display case, a television, a copy of the Radio Times, and then draped over the radiator under the window, a line of baggy white pants.

‘Excuse the mess,’ he says, then carefully lowers himself into his chair.

We chat as I work. He tells me what Hamburg was like in the months just after the war.
‘Everyone scratching around. Using whatever they could. It’s terrible, what people can do to each other.’

After the war he worked on the railways, first on the track, then as a driver, then as one of the station staff. After he retired he made model railways, the scenery and buildings and things. I imagine him hunched over a bench, working on the tiny scenes with a pot of enamel paint, staring through a bendy magnifying glass, his eyes huge and intent.
‘I used to sell them,’ he says. ‘Kept a few for myself, of course. But then when I moved here I had to get rid of them.’
‘That’s a shame.’
‘Well,’ he says. ‘One learns to adapt.’

*

Back out in the car I think about George and his model railways. It makes me think of a short story I read a long time ago. It was called ‘The Chicken Switch’ or something. It was about a journalist who interviews a guy who’s just about to go inside an underground box for a month. As a stunt. And later the journalist suffers terrible claustrophobic panics – almost loses his mind. Until the underground guy gets exhumed, steps out, looking perfectly fresh and relaxed. The journalist asks him how he did it, and the underground guy says he has this trick. Just before he goes into a situation like that, he mentally switches places with the last person he talked to. At least – I think that’s what happens. He transfers his stress and anxiety onto that person.

I can imagine George doing something similar, switching places with one of his station figurines. I wouldn’t mind betting there’s a model railway somewhere, a perfect thing, with trees and barns and cows and people waiting with their bags on the platform. And the station office, with a tiny little George staring contentedly out of the window, every detail perfect, the shiny black cap, the mug of tea, the chain of his fob watch, the medal on his jacket, standing securely on his plastic base that only rocks a little as the giants come thundering up the stairs again, and the lights come on, and the transformers crackle and hum, and the trains start rolling  again, round and round the track.

Corona Q&A


Through the magical process
of viral zoonosis
a pathogen
can jump from animal to human
in the belly of a vector
some kind of primitive blood collector
that’ll carry the virus but won’t get sick
like a horseshoe bat or a blacklegged tick

 the virus itself is teeny tiny
globoid and spiny
really – just about as small as you like
120nanometers spike to spike
with a strand of coded RNA
safely coiled away
in a protein envelope
that’ll get posted down the slope
of your upper respiratory tract
especially given the lack
of basic PPE
–  something we see
disproportionately
unfortunately
in the UK today

Okay?

Please address any further questions
to Michael Covid or Virus Johnson

FD7467E6-DBF5-4669-BE6F-700E32DCF294

space decal

Dance like no one is watching / drift away, weightlessly hopscotching / notching up another dreamy EVA / as the rest of the space crew dies laughing / wildly telegraphing / drawing pictures of a goofy horse / holding them to the observation ports / miming how they’re messing with your life support

Sing like no one is listening / or there’s a horribly blobulous slime ball glistening / slickly quickening / finding it homicidally interesting / to see / such a delicious morsel of humanity / advertising itself so fragrantly / as it slowly crawls towards you from the laboratory

Love like you’ve never been hurt / by a beautiful robot called Kurt / in aluminium pants and torn white T shirt / who flicked his copper-coiled quiff / his curly aerial stiff / then sashayed / through the moon colony colonnade / digits splayed / and asked if you were the daughter / of a famous interplanetary transporter / because he couldn’t think why else he oughta / be feeling like he’d just lost his penis / and seen it on the news orbiting Venus

 Live like it’s heaven on Earth / because interplanetary travel sure ‘aint worth / the cost of a berth / on a beta star freighter / for reasons I’ll go into later / so toss me the keys from your spaceship / Chip / and button it / this is the shit / right here – you’re living on it / so phone home, ET – then quit / sometimes you gotta know when to commit

C7F790F8-EB3A-46BA-B0AD-F0A5F506D3B7

Frank’s nest

Sixty years ago, when Frank was a young man, he worked in the shipyards, on the cranes. At least, I think he did. He’s got such a strong Geordie accent, and speaks in such a slurred and rumbling kind of way, it’s impossible to be sure. There’s a half empty bottle of whiskey tucked discreetly on the floor behind his legs, too, and I’m sure that’s not helping things.
The kitchen is oppressively hot. I’m wearing full PPE. My apron feels so tight I feel like a big, blue sausage beginning to squeal under the grill.
‘Ah’ was fitter in them days,’ he sighs, staring out of the kitchen window. His little flat is on the uppermost floor of a converted house, with plane trees so close to the front it’s as if we’re sitting in the cab of a crane high over the street. ‘I didn’t gi’a shit about nuttin’!’ he says, swatting the air with his good hand. ‘Ah was scamperin’ about like one of them squirrels there. Ah used ta stand wi’ ma legs on the girders, swingin’ ma’ hammer, snakin’ out the wire…it was like ah’ was buildin’ a big nest for meseln’ in the sky.’
‘Wow,’ I say, wiping the sweat from my forehead with my arm. ‘That sounds amazing!’
He stares at me for a second, like he’s trying to get me in focus.
‘D’you mind if ah’ smoke a tab?’ he says, reaching for his tin.
‘Could you wait a bit, Frank? I’m almost done.’
‘Oh. Okay.’
He pushes the tin back, and sighs again.
‘I can open the window if you want?’
‘If yer don’ mind.’
It feels good to let the air in. Frank closes his swollen eyes and turns his face in the direction of the breeze. He had a fall in the kitchen a couple of days ago. Got taken to hospital and kept in for observation. To look at him you’d think he’d pitched head first out of the window. Livid purple bruises distort his eyes and face, there’s a steri-stripped laceration to his forehead, a bandage on his hand.
‘Ah’m sick of it,’ he says, opening his eyes and turning to look at me again. ‘Sick of it! Ah jes’ don’t want to go on, to tell ya the truth.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that, Frank. It’s understandable, though. You’ve got a lot on your plate. Do you want to speak to one of our mental health nurses about how you feel?’
‘Nah – what’s the point?’ he says. ‘Ah’ll jes’ carry on as I am, thanks very much. Tess’ll be in later wi’ ma things.’
I imagine her labouring and cursing up the six steep flights to Frank’s flat, shopping bags filled with microwave meals, fags and whiskey.
On the wall behind him is a calendar with a picture of a Matchless motorbike, one of the small, single cylinder machines, drop handlebars, bucket seat, cafe racer style.
‘Nice bike’ I say, nodding at the calendar, then wiping my forehead on my arm.
‘Ay’ he says, turning stiffly in the chair.
‘Did you ride?’
‘Whey aye! Ah tell ya, man – I was that fast – I’d be there a’fore I left.’

fruit theory

Before you get all punchy & patriotic / sceptred isle psychotic / hymn singingly hypnotic / sentimentally aquatic

Before you get all knees up / knees up / c’mon dress the trees up / singalong a booze up / pull the ladder up Jack / mind your language & your back

Before you get all remember remember / the tuppenny trembler / a swift one in the dog n’ duck / sneaking out back for a spot of how’s ya father and an ounce of ready rub

Before you get all roll me over in the clover / jitterbuggin’ about on the White Cliffs of Dover / with Sir Vera Lynn and her orchestra / dropping your cacks,  cocking a leg over

Before you send us all back to the Blitz / to wave our flags at her Maj and our arse to Fritz / with my dear ol’ gran getting blown to bits / the night Queen Liz come on a visit / to finger her pearls and ask how is it / the cockneys manage to stay so chipper / with everything in flames along the river

Before you get well and truly started / before your brass band’s got its strapons and departed / and everything’s draped in bunting and shit / and the boys brigade step up to do their banner-waving bit

Before the planes strafe the sky / with union jack stripes a mile wide

Before you start banging on and on / about heroic times long gone / who did what to who and where / who won the victory fair and square / with a brave Churchillian cigar / a bridge too far / a plucky royal back of a car / with a grateful huzzah / and an atom bomb on hiroshima

Before you get in a right ol’ two and eight
I just wanted to set the record straight
okay?

I love my country
I love les dawson & david bowie
I love darts, parks
public works
the fens, the cornish coast
poached egg & beans on toast
I love lidos, lilos, windows
I love vic n’bob & matt lucas
I love swimming pools and verrucas
I love bag o’chips
mr whippy / punk rock / roses & space hoppers
I love padlocks and bolt croppers

and

I love the fact there are old bones in the ground
that if you had a genetic rummage around
you’d see quite clearly
they were related to me
distantly
like a ton of other organic stuff
if you looked hard enough
through a variety of funereal matter
from Limerick to Parramatta

so many choices
but essentially I suppose my point is

I love my country but I love my planet
we’re all just pips in a pomegranate

IMG_2833

a virus by any other name

Naming a virus has always been tricky. People want something they can talk about easily, not a long string of letters and numbers. Like saying Red Car rather than reeling off a whole licence plate. Storms do better. They get homey names, like Brendan or Hugh. Accessible, friendly names. The kind of names you can relate to whilst they tear the roof off your shed. But I’m sure even Brendan – mad as he is – would baulk at having a haemorrhagic disease named after him. (Hugh, on the other hand….)

The trouble is, if the name gets left to the media, things quickly get bent out of shape, politically-speaking.

Take Spanish Flu, for example. It wasn’t actually Spanish. It was just that after WWI, most countries suppressed news of the virus because they worried it would damage morale. Spain had been neutral, though, and had a more independent media. In fact, ironically, the Spanish people initially called it French flu, because they thought that’s where it had come from.

It’s not even as easy as naming a virus after a place. The people who live there might object to being associated with a dreadful disease (ask Hugh). This was tried for a while, though. For example, Ebola was named after a nearby river (although it wasn’t actually the NEAREST river; the Congo had already been taken); the Marburg virus was named after Marburg, in Germany, and my favourite (name, not disease) coxsackievirus, commemorating the small town on the Hudson river, upstate New York, where the virologist collected his first fecal specimens. (I  very much doubt there’s a statue in the market square.)

I’m sure virologists get twitchy when they read the news. They’re painfully and pedantically conscious of the tendency to confuse the virus with the general group it comes from, or the disease it causes. In the current pandemic, people talk about coronavirus (which is actually the virus’ family name, covering everything from SARS to the common cold) or Covid-19 (short for coronavirus disease 2019 – 2019 being the year it was identified). The actual name of the virus is SARS-CoV-2 (short for Severe acute respiratory syndrome coronavirus 2). All of which is a bit much to handle when all you want to say is that you’re feeling a bit Derek.

Those same virologists would probably put the paper down, take a breath, and turn wistfully in the general direction of London – home since 1966 to the International Committee on Taxonomy of Viruses. I don’t know what the building looks like (even though I could easily Google it), but I’m guessing it’s a gigantic, green, geodesic dome covered in spikes. Either way, I’m sure it’ll have a good supply of hand sanitizers on the way in and out.

covid19