the IFS FFS

There’s a funky little place I know / where all the thrusting economists go / to dine like fine dinosaurs / on the Wall Street whys & wheretofores / simplifying the industrial complexes / the Wall Street Journals and Han Seng indexes / the open and shuts / the quantitative easings & budgetary cuts / the investment wrecks & spending checks / dealing with more zeros than all the heroes at the cineplex / speaking truth to power / for a coupla hundred dollars an hour

where?

the institute for fiscal studies
where forecasts blow and dollar streams muddy
and thinkers range
theoretically strange
scattering opinion like so much change

it’s a who-knows-what-the-hell-it’s-for / top drawer / less is definitely more / happening kind of club / a cross between a wishing well and a magic money shrub / a dreamy Disney depot / where punchy academics can go / to work their monetary mojo / it’s a dealer’s dream, a holy preserve / it’s a lot more fun than the Federal Reserve / it’s a safe deposit space / where no idea is too unclear or goes to waste / where even the receptionist / is a theoretical economist / waving you gently through the mist / and the canteen / is expensively inviting / and the meet & greet / is The Old Lady of Threadneedle Street / bending over to touch her feet / athletically / smiling coquettishly / pointing to her arse / because she’s very well oiled & her assets are vast

welcome

to the institute for fiscal studies
where CEOs & hedge fund buddies
can sit to lunch
on credit crunch
and watch Midas give a TedX on his golden touch

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like a stake through the heart

My dearest Dracula,

I admit – for a while it was quite spectacular
but did you REALLY have to go sneaking around like that
flipping through the window like a brilliantined bat
howling like a wolf
on the roof
or a dog
in the fog
and – the real bust –
elemental dust
ELEMENTAL DUST!
I’m completely nonplussed!
So yes – okay – you’re a transmutational sensation
and yes – yawn – you’re a master of protean creation
a victory of hope over cremation
but – my honest opinion?
save the capey capers for your bloodless minions
THEY might be impressed with all that flapping about
ME? I’ve fallen out of love with your pointy pout
I want a
monster
with a little more bite
not some creep who keeps out of the light
and only come out of his coffin at night
sure – you’re handsome and muscular
but just a tiny bit dead and way too crepuscular

hope you’re well

yours in Christ

Jonathan

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new year’s thimble

Coming back from a dog walk the other day we saw a guy kneeling in the field securing the legs of a tripod. It looked like he was setting up for a long-distance camera shot – maybe of the crows that squabble in the oaks around there – but when we got closer we saw that the tripod was actually a long, thin spade stuck in the earth, and propped up against it, a metal detector.

The guy straightened, waved, and walked over. Despite his headphones, combat trousers and Caterpillar boots, he had a strangely out-of-time look about him, like a Viking who’d come back in disguise to find the treasure he buried.

His name was Janusz. We chatted about the area, what we knew about it, the places it might be good to look. I told him about all the fragments of old glass and pottery that get washed out in the far corner. Maybe there was a midden there or something. I told him about a field I thought was the remains of a medieval village over the back behind the church.
‘It had all these strange bumps in it I thought were the huts. But then I found out it was a golf course in the 1920s.’
Janusz laughed.
‘There is an old pond over there, though. It was dug in the middle ages, one of the hammer ponds they used when they smelted iron for cannon balls.’
‘Really?’ he said. ‘Hmm. Well – last year I found a beaten coin that way. About 1520. That was nice. Not much today though. I dug this up…’
He put a tiny brass thimble in my palm. It was fragile, dull, squashed out of true, filled with earth.
Have it,’ he said. ‘No idea how old it is.’
I felt the weight of it, held it up to the light.
‘Thanks, Janusz’ I said. ‘Thanks very much.’

I wanted to tell him how much it meant to me. How it was my birthday, and my Dad’s the day before that. How this time of year always felt freighted with meaning. I wanted to tell him about how Dad bought a metal detector once, back in the seventies, from the back of a Hobbies magazine. It was a clumsy, boxy thing, bakelite dials, wires sticking out of it. A horrible piece of crap someone might solder together from an old twin-tub and a radio. I used to go with Dad out on the Fen sometimes, looking for coins. I wonder what people must have thought if they saw us from the road: a man and his son, slogging through the peaty soil, stopping every now and again to chop frantically at the earth with trowels. A hopeless, fruitless quest. Half the time I think the buzz it gave off was a con, something random they built into it, just enough to keep the suckers moving. We’d have had more chance finding King John’s treasure with a hazel twig. Still – it meant something, out there on the Fen with my Dad, searching.
‘Thanks for the thimble!’ I said.
‘Hey! You’re welcome!’ said Janusz. ‘Happy New Year!’

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sig

birthday poem

mum went into labour
on the 28th december
dad’s birthday
but I wasn’t born until
three minutes past midnight
on the 29th

he wanted the day to himself
the midwife said

three minutes past midnight?
that’s suspiciously precise

what? was the midwife
cheering on the crowning head
from the side of the bed?

and what counts as born?
when you back-heel
the mothership?
when the cord
gets snipped?

whatever

fact is
the certificate says
the 29th
not the 28th

and anyway

what’s a few hours
in this great daisy chain
of life on earth?
dad was begat
then beget
some things you hold on to
some you forget

and now dad’s dead
head or feet first
into the abyss
I must confess
I’m not entirely sure
all that is clear
is that I’m still here
looking around
wondering where the rhyme is
checking what the time is

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the low to no pressure blues

we’ve been jawing & toying
but there’s no more avoiding
these low to no pressure blues
the roses – who sent ‘um?
they’re devoid of momentum
their colours look sad in this outer space spectrum
the low to no pressure blues

Einstein was right
about doughnuts and light
and the low to no pressure blues
his virtual particles
are the genuine article
they phase in and out with trajectories farcical
in the low to no pressure blues

your stars were too hot
and they imploded a lot
with the low to no pressure blues
there’s no more surprisin’
your event horizons
their appetite for light was quite mesmerisin’
in these no to low pressure blues

but I’m done with the weather
out here in your aether
the low to no pressure blues
you needed your space
and I’m so out of place
the tears have been boiling clean off my face
in these low to no pressure blues

I’m through with the suction
molecular reduction
these low to no pressure blues
I’m losing my spark
in your virtual heart
and I’m worried we’re rushing things out in the dark
and the low to no pressure blues

so let’s stay as friends
with our love through a lens
and the low to no pressure blues
it’s not you it’s me
I need air to breathe
and I’m panicked with the mechanics of entropy
in these low to no pressure blues

I’m sorry but it’s true
what else can I do?
with the low to no pressure blues
yeah?
the low to no pressure blues

(…. fade out according to the rules of General Relativity….)
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a christmas ghost story

Strictly speaking, Mr Jeffries is a double-up.
Not for the usual reasons – manual handling issues, a history of aggressive behaviour, substance abuse, hazardous environment or a tendency to make accusations – but for something else, something unspecified. So far I’ve been unable to get to the bottom of it, just a series of knowing smiles and nods. I’m supposed to visit Mr Jeffries to take blood, but unfortunately the nurse I was scheduled to go with has had to run out to a blocked catheter, and for one reason or another, there’s no-one else.
‘It’s okay. I don’t mind,’ I tell Anna, the Co-ordinator. ‘I’m fine going on my own,’ .
‘Are you sure, darlink? I’m so sorry there isn’t anyone to go with you. But I’m sure you’ll be fine. You used to work on ambulance before. I’m sure you’ve come across things a lot more – how should I say – strange.’
‘In what way strange, exactly?’
‘Just – you know – strange. Odd. Something different. But there’s no danger involved and you are strong person so I’m sure you’ll be fine. Just go in, get the blood and come out again.’
She smiles at me. ‘Maybe like this…’
She frowns, crossing her arms across her chest.
‘Why? Is it filthy in there?’
‘No! Is not filthy. Is very nice.’
‘What then? Is he a bit lecherous?’
‘Lecherous? What is this lecherous?’
‘You know. Hands everywhere.’
‘No, darlink. No. He is not lecherous. You’re perfectly safe as far as lecherous is concerned.’
‘So what then?’
‘You’ll see. I’m perfectly happy for you to wait until someone becomes available…’
‘It’s fine. I’ll go get the blood.’
‘You are good boy. Very erm… how you say…?’
‘I don’t know. Brave?’
‘No-ooo….’
‘Foolhardy?’
She doesn’t say what she means.

Mr Jeffries doesn’t answer his phone, which is something the notes say is typical for him. He has a keysafe, though. The only thing is to go there and take a chance he’s in.

* * *

Mr Jeffries lives on the top floor of a run-down block of flats. The architect must have designed the place in a rush over breakfast, because it’s exactly like an upturned cereal box, with a lift at either serving long, unbroken corridors of doors and security grilles. If by the day the block is austere, at night it’s perfectly bleak. The lamp out front flickers, animating the entrance in such a menacing way I can’t help zipping my jacket to the neck and shouldering my bag more squarely. Inside is worse, utterly lightless, with that heavy kind of dark you’d think was pumped in from deep underground. The corridor lights only come on when you move, and even then there’s a delay, so the effect is of a steady falling forwards, disconcerting, not at all pleasant.

I knock on Mr Jeffries door. There’s a muffled answer. I use the key and let myself in.

The flat is warm, close, unaired, filled wall to ceiling with shelves and shelves of books – art, astrology, folklore, history, that kind of thing. Mr Jeffries is sitting in his lounge on an electric wheelchair, as perfectly contained in the glow from his desk lamp as a hunched insect preserved in amber.
He spins round to face me, and the first thing that strikes me are his eyes, wide-set and unblinking, tub-water grey, with a diverging bulge that gives him an acute and predatory appearance. That, coupled with his dry smile and knowing demeanour are as unsettling as you could get, and I suddenly understand why Anna thinks this is a double-up.
‘I suppose you’ve come for my blood,’ he says, arching his long fingers together and scrutinising me over the top of them. ‘The doctor doesn’t think I need it, but I think I know more about my condition than a simple GP. If only I had more energy – and a better prognosis – I’d sue them for millions. But really – what good what that do me?’
‘I don’t know,’ I say.
‘No. I don’t suppose you do.’
He parts his hands in a simple gesture of letting go, but then his attitude hardens just as suddenly.
‘Here’s what I need you to do…’ he says, and then tells me where to set up my things, what bottles to use, what the tests need to show and so on.
‘Some people find me intimidating,’ he says. ‘My last consultant actually started to shake.’
‘I don’t think I’ll shake,’ I tell him, although it’ll be a miracle if I don’t. ‘I’ll save the shaking for afterwards.’
It helps when I find out that Mr Jeffries used to dialyse in the renal department around the time I was a ward clerk there. I don’t remember him – and I feel sure I would – but it means we have a shared history of names and places I can use to distract him from focusing too much on me.
‘No,’ he says, interrupting a story about one of the PD nurses with red hair out of a bottle, ‘not that vein. Use that one, there…’
It’s annoying, but he’s right. The blood starts to flow, and I’m immediately more relaxed.
‘So you had a transplant?’ I say.
‘I’ll tell you a little story about that,’ he says. ‘The department had been having a run of deaths. A whole year of them. So much so that everyone was beginning to lose faith in their abilities. It was nothing to do with that, of course. But people divine all manner of things from simple coincidence. When it came to me, the consultant brought the kidney back himself, in a box on the backseat of his car. Can you imagine? It was a few years ago, of course. Things are different now. Anyway, I was prepped and readied. Everyone wished me luck. And that was that. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in the recovery room. I was conscious of someone standing by the bed, and I thought it was a nurse. But when I turned to look, I saw a young woman, right beside me, staring down at me, with the oddest expression. Not sad – no. Not angry. Just – I don’t know – confused. She stood there for the longest while. So long I couldn’t bear it. I said Thank you for the kidney, closed my eyes, and prayed she would leave me alone. When I opened my eyes again the surgical team were standing around me, everyone smiling, waving blood results in the air, relieved the operation had been a success and their run of bad luck ended. Who was the girl who gave me the kidney? I asked them. She came to me. They dismissed my experience as post-operative hallucinations, and, of course, it was policy for them never to disclose any information about the donor. I knew it wasn’t a hallucination, though. I’ve always been able to see things. Some people can. A little while later, just before I left the unit for good, I saw the consultant again. ‘Who was she?’ I asked him. ‘Let’s just say she was a woman who was formerly wealthy.’ What does that mean – formerly wealthy? What do you think it means?’
‘I don’t know. It’s an odd expression. Maybe he was speaking metaphorically. Maybe he meant wealth as in life, and formerly because she lost it.’
I tape some gauze to the crook of his arm. He gently holds his fingers to it, as if he’s healing the wound by the power of touch.
‘I never saw her again,’ he says. ‘Which is a shame, because she seemed so lost.’
And he turns his enormous eyes up to me, and I have to look away, because I don’t want to see my own reflection contained in them.
‘All done!’ I say, shaking the vials of blood.
‘Thank you,’ he says. ‘You’ve been most kind.’
‘You’re welcome.’
And he watches me closely as I pick up my things and go.

how to make an impression

‘To begin with, I’m not Cedric. I know it says Cedric on my birth certificate and all those official places, but it’s really a terrible mistake. I wouldn’t have the faintest idea how to be a Cedric. I think my parents must have lost at cards or had some kind of fit or something. So although it says Cedric, please feel free to ignore it and call me Bill. Everyone else does.’
He settles back in his armchair.
‘The bathroom’s through there if you’d like to wash your hands,’ he says.
‘It’s okay. I’ve got a bottle of hand cleanser here.’
‘As you wish.’
I take a small bottle out of my bag and pull the cap off. I’m a little heavy-handed, though. When I squirt some foam onto my left palm, a gob flies over and lands on the leather pad of an antique writing desk.
‘Oops,’ I say. ‘Sorry.’
‘Will it stain?’
‘I shouldn’t think so.’
‘Here. Give it a dab, would you?’
He passes me a pressed cotton handkerchief and I gently pat the area. It doesn’t look great, but I’m hoping the difference in colour is due to the wetness rather than any damage caused by the antiseptic soap.
‘Oh,’ I say. ‘Have you got any polish? I’m sure that’ll sort it out.’
‘Hm’ he says. He takes the handkerchief back from me, folds it up and puts it on the little table next to him.
Bill is so immaculately dressed – hair oiled and combed to one side, silver moustache trimmed to an even millimetre around his mouth, a precisely knotted tie just visible at the V-neck of a treacle-coloured jumper, an ironed crease running mid-leg down to a pair of monogrammed slippers – he hardly looks real. In fact, he’s so perfect I wouldn’t be surprised if, when he stood up and turned sideways, he revealed that he was in fact a tall, beautifully illustrated, two-dimensional bookmark.
Funnily enough, Bill used to be an antiquarian bookseller, a job he strode into when his frigate docked for the last time after the war. It’s easy to imagine him, sitting at the back of the shop, reverentially turning the pages of a rare book, then swiping off his glasses and getting down to business.
‘One thing I do want you to do is look at my back,’ he says.
‘Because of the fall?’
‘Yes.’
‘So what happened, Bill? I read the ambulance report but I wouldn’t mind hearing it from you.’
‘Would you? Very well. It happened about a week ago now. I was getting out of bed to visit the bathroom in the early hours, as one does. Especially at this age. Several times. So anyway, I sat there a moment on the edge of the bed, collecting my thoughts, berating my fate and so on, and I thought – I wonder what the time actually is? So I reached forward to look at the watch I keep on the dressing table. Well – for some reason that I cannot account for, that simple gesture extended, and extended, and the critical point came and I just couldn’t help myself. I think as I rolled forwards I must have turned and caught my back on the dressing table, because apparently I have a mark there that rather supports the supposition.’
‘Okay. Let’s have a look, then.’
He stands up, and then holds on to his zimmer frame whilst I untuck him and expose his back. As well as a livid, generalised bruise across the upper left side, there’s the impression of one half of a dressing table drawer – the corner of it, mostly, with some of the ornamental handle – everything picked out in a livid red line.
‘Ouch!’ I say. ‘That’s pretty harsh! It’s so clear I could almost read you the name of the cabinet maker.’
‘Yes. Well – it is a fine piece. I bought it at auction fifty years ago. Probably paid a little over the odds but what can I say? It rather made an impression on me.’
And he gives me a perfect, stage wink as he begins the painstakingly slow process of gathering together his many layers and tucking himself back in.

bad king wenceslas

Bad King Wenceslas looked out
on the scene of sirens
blue lights flashing round about
the neighbourhood environs

Fiercely shone the chopper lights
bullhorn shouts were cruel
negotiator came in sight
struggling to stay cool

Hither page and stand by me
if thou know it telling
yonder agent who is he?
where and what his dwelling?

Sire he lives a good league hence
underneath a mountain
works for government defence
narco crime accountin’

Bring my vest and bring my piece
bring my bullets hither
thou and I will this guy grease
send his brothers hither

Page and monarch forth they went
forth they went together
till their weapons all were spent
and down they went together

Sire the night is darker now
and the wind blows stronger
fails my heart I know not how
I can go no longer

Hark my footsteps my good page
tread thou in them boldly
thou must find the righteous rage
to freeze thy blood less coldly

In his master’s steps he trod
past the cars so dented
the heat was in the very sod
and Wenceslas demented

Thus shall gangsta men be stopped
wealth or junk possessing
ye who now do waste the cops
shall all soon be resting

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the shard

I found the fragment
of an old plate
a shard of blue and white
washed out by the rain

I thought about
the meals it represented
a clicking of cutlery
like the ticking of a clock

now it lies like a mosaic clue
a spray of blue leaves
a pair of boots
a swollen river

we are made of elements
random accumulations
that form and break
according to the weather

we pattern out our time
it rains, or it doesn’t
someone carries a plate
nothing lasts forever

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star wars: the retirement

Yoda parks his Skoda
badly
sadly affected
by scoliosis
COPD with a poor prognosis
wheezes into his local
where he ends up getting vocal
with some stormtroopers on the pool table
waggling their cues a lot
so they miss their shot
till the owner gets called
and he’s hauled
back out on the street
(which happens most weeks)
he gets back in his Skoda
licence plate YODA
and a sign on the back of the car:
If Read This You Can Too Close You Are
and heads back to his cave
half watches Dave
whilst he knocks out a series of gnomic tweets
to Kylo Ren and the Imperial Fleet

Admiral Ackbar
runs a shitty little snackbar
somewhere out on Kessel
serving doughnuts and slime
to the guys from the mine
and random passing vessels
days when it’s slack
he loiters out back
playing cards with Fett and Finn
rolling his eyes
when the generator dies
and a Jedi wanders in

Princess Leia
works as a quantity surveyor
(she wanted something more regular)

Jabba the Hut
is a fitness nut
owns a number of successful franchises
aimed at customers of equivalent sizes

C-3PO and R2D2
disappeared after #metoo

Obi-Wan Kenobi
shaved head and goatee
works in security
standing all night on the door
‘this is not the club you’re looking for’

Darth Maul
doesn’t do much at all
just sits all day in his study
cantankerous and moody
watching reruns of Judge Judy

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