Travesia de los Espinos

I was walking in the west of the city
taking grainy, black & white shots
shapes and shadows and cute graffiti
development work around the docks

I ended up by some derelict apartments
fucked stucco and hanging balconies
nothing around them but construction equipment
and a single, dust covered palm tree

as I was trying to capture the drama
a man emerged from a hole in the wall
hola I said lowering the camera
the man walked past and said nothing at all

travesia de los espinos was the street sign
fixed to a concrete pole of power cables
I think it meant the crossing of spines
because cactus once grew there as well

Bilbao, 2018

 

a picture of aileen

‘I used to like doing puzzles until my hands got too bad and I couldn’t manage the pieces. Now I have to make do with giant sudoku.’
Aileen is sitting beneath a large colour studio photo of herself and husband Ian taken taken fifty years ago. Maybe Aileen is sitting there because of the light, or maybe it’s because she likes being as close as possible to an image of her life as it used to be. Whatever the reason, it would be difficult to imagine a harsher illustration of the effects of ageing. Portrait Aileen has a pile of golden hair banded at the cloudy peak with a tiara. She’s wearing a tartan skirt and sash, a silken blouse with ruffles, sparkling earrings and a pearl necklace. There’s a radiance to her that the blurry lens and the fancy drapes translates into something soapy but brilliant. Her husband Ian is just as enhanced, plump and red faced as a russet potato, packed into a kilt, waistcoat and bolero-jacket combination, medals and ribbons and pins, and one hand resting on Aileen’s shoulder, maintaining the transfer of power, one to the other. Real-time Aileen is somewhat reduced, of course. She’s sitting in a similarly demure posture, except now she’s in a fluffy blue dressing gown, the bouffant hair has collapsed into sparse threads of grey, and the rings on her fleshless hands hang loose.
‘We ran a restaurant together. For years – oh, way back,’ she says. ‘I loved it. Ian ran the kitchen side of things, I did the books. We both liked to entertain. Burns night we’d have the haggis piped in. You couldn’t wish for a better life. We had all kinds of celebrities. You wouldn’t have heard of them, of course. Then the lease got bought up by a city type, the rent doubled and we had to move on. Still – things change. No-one can help that.’
She coughs a few times. It sounds like someone shovelling rocks. When it passes, she settles herself again.
‘I get so terribly bored,’ she says. ‘Bored. Bored. Bored. Just sitting here.’
‘I bet. What about your family, though? Are they nearby?’
‘Not really,’ she says. ‘They’re spread about the place. They’ve got lives of their own.’
‘Here’s an idea,’ I tell her, warming to the theme. ‘Have you ever thought about putting your memories down? Writing about your grandparents, your mum and dad, that kind of thing? Not just the war – I mean how you and Ian met, all about the restaurant, who came in and out, what you got up to.’
‘I can’t hold a pen, love.’
‘You could get some kind of recording device. They’re pretty cheap these days. The thing is, I bet your grandchildren and great-grandchildren would love to read about these things, in a kind of family history way, with photos and everything. It’d be like one of your puzzles, only you’d be in all the pieces. It’s nice to know where you come from, how it all fits together. What do you think?’
Aileen is silent for a while.
‘No,’ she says at last. ‘Boring.’

the spider factor

I mean – this was some special spider, right? / tap dancing round the bath last night / slick as a mini-beast Fred Astaire / smart black thorax & spiny hair / spats and spinneret / the fastest taps on the moth-in-a-basket circuit / I’m … puttin’ on my web hat, Tyin’ up my white flies, Brushin’ off my fangs / an old school song & dance man / well / normally, as you know, I cannot abide a / spider / but this one kinda had talent / so I put down the mallet / and gingerly scooped him up / with a letter from the IRS and a cup / (the spider was ashamed / but when I explained / and showed him the lovely box I’d made / that he could live in from day to day / with a tarantula-sized bed, a cup holder / an Xbox with eight controllers / he was one very interested beast / as far as I could tell, at least) / so I took him to my agent, Clyde Haughtim / who looked in the box to see what I’d brought him / and was just as overwhelmed as me / to see / a specimen of such artistry / But Jim – this is STUPENDOUS! said Clyde / slapping his sides / his flowery waistcoat straining / to contain him / Together we’ll CONQUER THE WORLD! he said / waving his finger over his head / in that irrepressible Haughtim-style / I’ve come to expect after knowing him a while / And y’know – he wasn’t wrong / Samson (as we decided his stage name should be / because it went with ‘spider’ alliteratively / and also rhymed with Handsome / although that was stretching it some) / anyway / what can I say? / Clyde was right / Samson smashed it on opening night / red carpets and laser lights / a giant mechanical version of the star performer / waggling his hairy legs over the foyer / (myself? I thought that was a little bit fey / but Clyde, as always, had the last say) / motorcycle cops, the TV press / screaming crowds, selfie requests / while inside the stage was set / with a monitor the size of the hadron collider / so everyone could see the dancing spider / the chorus giving it glamour & glitz / the orchestra fiddling away in the pits / then a sudden thunder of applause / enthusiastic roars / as Samson came tip-tapping down the stairs / with his cane and cape and diamante flares / but suddenly – disaster! / the stage manager was quick but the cat was faster / (you see – the theatre had a cat called Macavity / naturally / a creature well-known for its feline depravity) / Macavity sprang (is that the right tense? I’m not certain) / from its hiding place behind the curtain / flattened poor Samson with its two front paws / then snapped him down with depravitous jaws / the audience screamed / chaotic scenes / a vet ran through / to see what he could do / experienced in arachnids and exotic amphibia / but all he could find was half a tibia …

so now – whenever there’s a spider in the bath / that sings or dances or makes me laugh / I can’t be arsed to take it to Clyde / I just pick it up and sling it outside

an appointment with death

Well

There I was, waiting at the railway station / swiping my phone for information / when suddenly Death showed up / scattering people and coffee cups / tables collapsing, chairs upended / as the dreadful figure of Death descended / riding on a stormy cloud / that blew away the commuter crowd / and left me standing alone and shaking / (quite an entrance he was undertaking) / And Death slowly turned to me, and pointed, and said / Vincente Lorenzo Fettuccine – You…are…DEAD!

A long and slightly embarrassed pause

What was he waiting for? Applause?

So I tiptoed over to the apparition / hovering in front of the EAT concession / and as bravely and discreetly as I could / whispered nervously into his hood / My name’s not Vincente, it’s Jim / I think you might have confused me with him

Oh God! said Death, rubbing his temple / How could I screw up something so simple? / And the Dark Lord blushed deep in his sockets / handed me his sickle, turned out his pockets / looking for a delivery docket / parchment blowing up & down the concourse / ECGs, doctors’ reports / You sure you’re not supposed to be dead? / Sure I’m sure, I said / Don’t go putting that shit in my head / Sorry he shrugged I’m having a moment / Maybe there’s been some weird postponement / He sighed, took back the sickle / I’m certain I had you down for the hospickle / Hospickle? I said, what are you – three? / Death wagged a phalange at me / Listen! I speak six thousand languages! / Do you know what the Hindi for strangle is? / No? What about the Xhosa for lion? / or the Ayapaneco for Watch out Brian? / I bet all you did was French at school, eh? / Well translate this: Va te faire enculer! / I’m sorry, I said. I take your point! / I’m sorry I got you bent out of joint / You could try, he said, swirling his cape / I think you’ll find I’m in awesome shape

What would you say in that situation? / Mistaken by Death at the railway station?
I didn’t know what else to do / so I thought I’d put my point of view

You gotta admit it’s not everyday / Death comes calling in this hideous way / Don’t say hideous, he said. It’s upsetting / I’m sorry, I said, but I think you’re forgetting / just how bad you look, you’re Top of the Shocks / with your fleshless ribs and your wormy locks / standing there in your cape and crocs / They’re comfortable, he said, so I do a lot of walking / Just shut up for a minute and I’ll do the talking / Honestly, he said, You’d infuriate a saint / I may be immortal but a saint I ‘aint / Just try to clean up your act a little / because otherwise I’ll definitely see you in hos-pit-al

(he made such a fuss of not getting it wrong / I felt quite bad for earlier on)

yet another awkward silence
then gradually, away in the distance, sirens

Look, he said, checking the watch / that was looped around his jugular notch / Try to control your disappointment / but I’ve got a rather urgent appointment / Let’s just chalk this up to experience / Death’ll catch you later…Vince!

and with that he vapourised in a chuckle of thunder / that sounded like a tube going under / and it was only when the concourse was clear / and I was absolutely damn sure he couldn’t hear / that I shouted It’s Jim, you boney-arsed nonce / Try getting it right for once

Jason Statham reviews the Shark DuoClean Lift-Away Vacuum Cleaner with TruPet

The Shark DuoClean Lift-Away Vacuum Cleaner with TruPet
I have to say
I liked – no – strike that – I LOVED – this sexy little puppy
I mean – take the LED lights on the head of it
In-fuckin’-credible
they lit up the bed like a magnesium flare
I saw everything, and I mean EVERYTHING
bone fragments, other shit
it all went rattling up the pipe
nice
I liked the way the attachments snapped on and off
clean & sweet
reminded me of the folding stock & sights
on my Barrett MRAD
I thought the duster brush was okay-ish
the only weak spot
in the whole shootenanny
poor density of bristles, my friend
but hey – it’s an imperfect world
live with it
I still managed to get round
the ceiling, behind the dresser
the cage
I appreciated the generous amount of cable
nice touch, fellas
not quite enough
to lower myself all the way to the ground
but just enough to fuck up the copter blades
so all’s well that ends well
The hand attachment felt properly weighted
allowing for a decent swing
right and left, solar plexus, throat
Overall, I thought the build quality was top-notch
wipe clean, scratch proof, water resistant
In a word: forensic
So that’s it
The Shark DuoClean Lift-Away Vacuum Cleaner with TruPet
Five stars
Happy?
Wonderful.
Now put ten on the clock, my friend
Let’s blow this popsicle stand.

smashing trucks

It’s a complex family situation – as they often are – but the long and the short of it is, Jimmy’s been sent home to die.

Although the end has come quickly, it’s not entirely unexpected. Jimmy has had an alcohol problem for a good many years, as punishing to his family life as his liver. Nothing helped, not counselling, drug and alcohol rehab, surgical corrections, medication – it all turned out to be a grave but ineffectual chorus singing downstage of the tragedy.

At least Jimmy still has people around him, though. In fact, the house is pretty full. There’s his brother, Tom, Tom’s wife Stella, Jimmy’s stepson Al and Al’s little boy, Kevin. Kevin is about three years old I’d guess, a cheeky, tow-haired kid in a dinosaur T and red shorts, loving the drama of all these people, showing off by diving onto the sofa, smashing his toy trucks together, sneaking up behind you, touching you on the shoulder and then running away screaming, bending over for no apparent reason and looking at you from upside down.
‘Kevin? Why don’t you settle down on the sofa and watch the Formula One?’ says Al, although I’d guess that’s really what he wants to do.
‘No!’ says Kevin, diving under the table.
‘Don’t worry, Al. I don’t mind,’ I say.
Al shrugs, and carries on unpacking the shopping.

It’s the first time I’ve met the family. Truth is, I’d been blindsided by the whole situation. I thought it’d be an easy call, dropping off equipment and doing some obs on a patient before returning to the hospital to take care of all the referrals that’d piled up that day. When I got there I’d found a patient who was actively dying, and insufficient preparation made for any of it. I couldn’t figure out how it could’ve happened like this. After I’d made Jimmy as comfortable as I could, cutting off his hospital gown with my shears to avoid disturbing him too much, giving him a stripwash on the bed and so on, all helped by Tom and Stella, I’d spoken to the office to confirm we were putting in double-up care that evening, then called Jimmy’s GP, who was as confused and disturbed as I was. She’d promised to get clarification from the hospital, and said she’d call straight back.
‘You’ve been so helpful,’ I say to Stella and Tom as they sit down with me at the table with some tea. ‘I’m sorry it’s been stressful and messed up.’
‘Don’t worry,’ she says. ‘These things happen. At least he’s not in pain.’
Tom puts his hand on Stella’s shoulder; she gives him a brave smile, then wraps both her hands round the mug of tea, to feel the warmth of it.
‘Our son Billy died this year,’ she says. ‘I suppose I’m getting used to it.’
‘I’m so sorry to hear that.’
‘I was with him at the end. He was struggling, so I put my arms round him to help him sit up. He was trying to say something, but he couldn’t get it out, and I couldn’t understand what it was. So I held him like that, and I said I loved him, and then he fell back, and that was that. And that was the start of the year.’
‘I’m just going to sit with Dad for a while,’ says Al, heading towards the stairs.
‘Okay then’ says Tom. ‘Good lad.’
‘Now you be good’ says Al to Kevin.
‘Look at my trucks!’ yells Kevin, bouncing up and down on the sofa, smashing the trucks together, head to head. Peeyow! Pow! Kapooooof!

the world according to mitchell & kenyon

none of these people are still alive / says the voiceover guy / as crowds of flickering people drift by / not one / not the kids in jackets and flat hats / or the moustachioed gents smoking pipes at the back / not the copper arresting the restive horse / not the horse, of course / or any of those bonneted babies in perambulators / or the Hope-sashed Temperance League agitators / not any of the heaving masses / waving and waving as the camera passes / not the acrobat in the striped apparel / who leaps feet first into a barrel / or the school kids in lines doing tucks and rolls / or the women twirling their parasols / or the soldier with a chest full of medals / or the old guy labouring on the pedals / of the latest Edwardian tricycle / or any of the hundreds of other bicycles / keeping pace with the overcrowded tram / not the post office boy with the telegram / or the factory owner taking the note / with a penny from his overcoat / not the smallest boy in the boys brigade / trooping down the high street on parade / a wooden rifle sloped on his shoulder / copying the company commander / not the woman with the black umbrella / in mourning for poor Queen Victoria / or the boy at the gate in line for a job / who sneers and sticks two fingers up / nor any of the three young women in flowery hats / who walk slowly past and then quickly back / all gone and done / and time moved on / turning at a steady camera handle’s pace / and the people paid a shilling to take their place / in the tent they set up on the village green / to show the miracle of the moving picture machine / just a shilling, to see themselves as others see them / ghosts, in a national film museum

the stipe angle

we sat together on the touchline
me on the bench
dave in his wheelchair
a tumour caught in his head
as squarely as the softball
in that outfielder’s mitt

did you see michael stipe
on unplugged MTV
I think that’s when it really hit me
he said
what did?
I’ll never be michael stipe

and in the time it took
to look away and back again
three strikes and you were out
chemo, crystal, prayer
(and a last minute flight to brazil
for a cure that – needless to say – didn’t)

we sat in concentric circles in the meeting house
stood up in turn, said some things
met afterwards in the courtyard
the snacks were fine, it went okay
the banality of tragedy
someone else cleared up

and death shall have no dominion
dylan said (thomas, not bob)
it did alright with you, though, didn’t it
that metastasising piece of shit
and here I am, thirty years later
still wrestling with the stipe angle

a cat and a dog

a cat

Anna’s bed is in the bay window, the sunniest spot in the house, a light breeze filtering in through an open window, gently filling and turning the curtains. Anna’s asleep, curled up on her right side with one hand crooked under her head; sunlight illuminating the linen sheets and multi-coloured crochet square throw with such intensity it’s as if I’ve been staring at a beautiful painting for so long I’ve found myself suddenly transported into it.
Aside from the bed, the rest of the living room is just that – a room for living. There’s a baby lying on its back in a baby gym, reaching up for the fabric toys hanging overhead, waving his legs and gurgling happily; a toddler, standing on the sofa with her arms draped over the back, staring at me with wide, brown eyes; their mother, kneeling on the carpet, talking into the phone crooked at her neck whilst she folds laundry from the trug, and then her mother, Anna’s daughter Jean, standing in her dressing gown in the doorway, smiling, overseeing everything, cradling a mug of tea.
To add to it, a plump tabby cat strides into the room with her tail in the air. The toddler on the sofa jumps up a little, points to the cat, says Dat! and looks at me even more intensely.
The cat raises its chin like a butler in an over-starched collar, looks right and left, gives one, long, imperious yeowl, then collapses at my feet and stretches out, using her claws on the carpet to increase the bend, until she’s one languorous curve from the tip of her tail to her nose.
Dat! Dat! says the toddler, bouncing up and down on the sofa cushions.
‘Molly!’ says Jean, shaking her head and laughing.
And for a second, I’m not sure which is which.

a dog

Getting in to see James this morning was like trying to solve a giant, unwieldy puzzle. His carer Leila was delayed, some kind of bus trouble, apparently (We didn’t crash she said Thank God! But he is learner driver I think and he clipped mirrors and we all stopped for a long time and eventually I said no, no, no this is not good I have place to go so I asked them to let me be free please, and he did, and so then I ran and jumped on number 5, and change at river…). Meanwhile, Wendy the scheme manager wasn’t answering the intercom button or her phone. Two other residents had come outside already, one to smoke, one to chat. Both had asked if I wanted to go in and I’d said no, thanks, but James’ door is locked so it won’t do much good. They tell me where they saw Wendy last, and that segues into what a great job she does, and how the fish and chip supper went last night. It’s a nice block. Everyone looks out for everyone else, like a vertical village, people coming and going, or hanging around, mostly. Even the contractors working on the underground garage are cheerful and friendly, raising their coffee cups and smiling, more like actors than electricians, sauntering over from the on-location, TV catering wagon in their laundry fresh check shirts and utility belts.

The main door opens again and this time I see Wendy, waving her phone from the mezzanine floor that overlooks the lobby.
‘Can you come up here?’ she calls out to me. ‘Barry’ll let you in to see Jimmy. Sorry about the intercom. They’re working on it… or so they tell me!’
She says this on cue, just as the contractors are passing through the lobby. They smile and raise their coffee cups again, and exit stage right.

I go up – but I don’t have to wait long before Barry appears, an elderly man so immaculately turned-out I can imagine his Spotlight photo in the casting directory alongside the contractors.
‘This way,’ he says, jangling a bunch of keys and pressing the button for the lift. Then he turns and calls out ‘Fred! Come on, mate! We’ll go without you!’
‘Come on Fred!’ I say, then I turn to Barry and ask him who Fred is.
‘You haven’t met Fred?’
‘No.’
‘You’re in for a treat.’
We both turn to look at the archway that leads from the TV room out onto the mezzanine. I hear him before I see him, a deep, wet, resonantly lumpy sound, like an old British motorbike firing on one cylinder. Then I feel him – or I think I do – the thump of him through the springy floor. The lift arrives behind us, the door pings open but we both ignore it, waiting for Fred to emerge through the arch. And then he does – a gigantic black labrador, his tongue lolling out, hauling himself along on arthritic hips, one vast pad after the other, his head bobbing up and down with the effort of it all.
‘Come on, Fred!’ says Barry. ‘Good boy! Let’s go see Jimmy! Hey?’

scrappy rap rant

I suppose it helps you don’t owe me / and I like it at the bottom with nothing below me / but hey – it’s okay / I’m finally dealing with this shit today / the mice are playing while the cat’s away / on some kinda retreat to work on his health / something about freeing the mouse in himself / something like that / something about a cat / anyway / hey / I’m fine most of the time / a scream and a wild front crawl / from the foaming rocks at the edge of the falls / but look – I’m not worried at all / I’m a cool-arsed original / I’m the swinging restaurant in the gondola beneath the flaming dirigible / I’m that cute but fatally defective detective / the chinless chump who never gets it / I’m that violin guy playing with brio / in that trio / on the titanic / who didn’t panic / but played on amongst all the scheming & the screaming / the flares / the desperate fights on the stairs / till the atlantic finally rushed up / and his stradivarius got smashed up / and he went floating off / with the rest of the flotsam & jetsom from steerage / (and not much in the way of peerage) / all the way to Newfoundland / him & the rest of the icy band / is that reasonable? / have I said something treasonable? / I suppose what I wanted to say is / It’s always safer to go where the money is / I’m as mercenary as the rest / I’m the wad of dirty notes in the kevlar vest / I’m the bastard son of Eastwood, Statham & Van Damme / I’m a fickle motherfucker who never gave a good goddamn / I’m the red light, the Don’t Walk, the stop / I’m the bloody nightstick in the belt of the whistling cop / but don’t judge me / okay? / I’m not feeling so great today / it’s true / would i lie to you? / okay – would I lie to you AGAIN? / still friends? / muchas gracias, finito, the end / it’s important to know where you stand / watching life on demand / with a raised right hand / for some fancy oath / you don’t understand / just don’t follow me / see? / I’m made up / I’m sponsored, pocketed, paid up / I’m a shoe-in for the sham brigade / I’m a stand-in / glad-handin’ for the president’s parade / the aristocrat in the kiss-me-quick hat / on the steps of L’Hotel Fantôme at Cap Ferrat / smiling, of course / horsey as a goddam powerboat / so, tell me, have I got your vote? / no? / I thought you’d be more impressed / the old school tie, the trouser press? / I thought you’d learned to be content / working for the government / dreaming of approval / a final, slick, anaesthetised removal / and writing? / don’t get me started / it’ll leave you hungry and broken-hearted / it’s like feeding cheese to a bony cat / that doesn’t get fatter but keeps coming back / or put it this way / okay? / you say what you want to say and if you’re lucky you live to fight another day / and if you don’t / well – it’s life, Jim / but not as we know it / a misquoted line with Nimoy’s name below it / but hey – never let a fake quotation stand in the way / of saying what you never meant to say

good day