poems

the rigged economy waltz

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

asset / liability
crisis / opportunity
that’s the way the money goes
the natural order I propose
cycling up, cycling down
take your horse
on the merry-go-round
cry of course
when the ride defaults
in the rigged economy waltz

who knows what they’re really worth
productivity and growth
we need more prosperity
you need more austerity
we’re born to ride, you’re born to crank
the machinery
of our corporate banks
all nice n’clean
for the family vaults
the rigged economy waltz

the more you got the less you sweat
credit easier to get
principal plus interest
nice collateral, we’re impressed
deleveraging, c’est la vie
workers dumped
what’s that to me
it’s growth and slumps
read the reports
in the rigged economy waltz

the devil’s day off

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

so…
there I am
driving to a health spa in the village of the damned
fork and cloak packed, weekend planned
oodles of beautiful time on my hands
but when I get there the car park’s rammed
absolutely jammed
all hell broke loose and getting tanned
now
you must understand
what I did next wasn’t exactly on-brand
but there’s a level of access I demand
and when I don’t get it I’m quite unmanned
so…
I conjured forth great tornadoes of sand
earthquakes shivered at my command
till the little fiends fled from that boutique land
and I strolled up to the counter to claim my wristband

the whole thing was really quite a trauma
but I cooled off nicely in the sauna

say growth again I double dare you

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

it’s growth, growth and growth
in truss we trust and plight our trowth
if you’re feeling despairing
that’s you and me bowth
but it’s growth, growth and growth

so it’s growth, growth and … wait a sec … GROWTH!
let’s see who can say it and smile the mowtht
if you’re looking for exits
post Brexit they’re towtht
but still… growth, growth and growth

yes it’s growth, growth and … GENERAL ELECTION!
just kidding… it’s GROWTH!
economists are laughing but whad’they knowth?
labour’s just militants,
wokes and slowths
we want growth, growth and growth

(serious face / long pause)

we need to reform the supply side / because it’s not how you SLICE the pie / it’s how you GROW it / and before you know it / TRUST! / we’ll all be standing on the golden CRUST / of a steaming, STEAK & KIDNEY pie sized kingdom / with the kidneys you sold for a little extra income / We need deregulation, not Moral Jiggery Pokery! / To hell with climate change and all that wokery!

(big smile / long silence / then she starts beating the podium again)

so sing with me …. growth, growth, growth and GROWTH
when peasants are rioting it’s disquieting I suppowth
but the police
are sweet
and Liz Truss them the mowtht
as we march to the growth, growth, GROWTH!

(big smile / long silence / interrupted by an earthquake)

FRACK!

status update XXX

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

I’m watching a queasy teaser / a savant detective finds a friar in a freezer / but the frosty geezer / looks familiar / it’s his long lost brother / who became a monk when he fell out with their mother / and the other brother / the ‘Tec / knuckled down and joined the Met / but ten years later he’s a psychic wreck / drinking to keep the demons in check / the whole thing looks like utter dreck / but there’s only one season so what the heck

I’m a confused robot / yes but no but / snarky / reverse parking / arse sparking / 3.1415 ding / getting hi on pi, thanks for asking

I’m making a cake for a crime correspondent / police line don’t cross, blood-red fondant

I’m Alice running after the Rabbit / saw the watch and had to have it / caught him, nabbed it / whacked him with a mallet / staggered round Wonderland with a growing cake habit / channelling my inner Phyllis Diller / every joke a one-line killer / that Humpty Dumpty – Jeez, what an egg! / that’s not what you want when you ask for head / some klutzy kingpin all scrambly in bed

I’m Donald Duck versus Donald Trump / wrestling for dollars on the Republican Stump / Proud Boys jacked, packing, totally pumped / standing by getting ready to jump / with Elmer Fudd and Wile E Coyote / strung out on Bud and Acme peyote

I’m caught between a rock and a hard place / i.e. basically another rock / so basically what I think you’ve got / is rock, then me, then rock / however you cut it, a bunch of crock / (maybe in another language / they’d call this thing a shit rock sandwich)

I’m Jiminy Cricket / ripping up his ticket / swinging off through the fake Disney thicket / told Pinocchio where he could stick it / dick / wishing on a star – I’m sick of it

I can’t think, can’t speak / I’m down on my uppers, up shit creek / sans hope, sans paddle / saddle sore & totally raddled / so I scuttle the canoe / what else can I do? / toss the red pill, take the blue? / Noooo nooo noooo

so

anyway

this is not the droid you’re looking for

status update XXIX

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

ding dong bell / truss is in the well / who put her in / where do I begin? / some southern white voters / hedgefund bloaters / who assemble in Henley in blazers and boaters / and who pulled her out? / someone who needs paying a considerable amount

then Lear staggers in saying howl howl howl / how’ll I pay these utility bills? / cordelia? regan? goneril? / trust me he’s lost it / he had a working kingdom but he tossed it / drew a red line and crossed it / and now all he’s got is a freezing heath / some Primark sacking with nothing underneath / a stack of debt and rack of bad teeth / if he rages on much longer we’ll call the police

even though it’s such a hassle / we organise to storm the castle / so we hire a knight / who seems alright / his lance is chancey but his steed’s got fight / and he snaps down his visor and salutes the crowd / then clanks through the arch to do us all proud / and finds the dragon / out in the garden / guarding its hoard / with a sulphurous grin and a bunch o’claws / and the knight says right! and straightaway charges / and the dragon amply demonstrates what large is / and it’s over before it began / the knight stamped flat as a baked bean can / he had no chance / as the dragon burps and picks its teeth with his lance / and pretty soon the whole sky is filled with wings / all manner of dreadful, predatory things / but that’s what you get when you vote for brexit / now form a queue and head for the exit

if anyone knows of any lawful impediment / why we shouldn’t dump the poor in some offshore sediment / let them speak now or forever hold their peace / and make a donation of a million at least

he knows you’re waiting

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

it must be tough being God
I can’t think of a less attractive job
it couldn’t be worse
having to be everywhere in the universe
from a learner driver reversing
and cursing
to a nervous nurse
rehearsing
what she plans to say
when she comes up before the board that day
from a butcher slicing his fingers with the salami
to a village getting flattened by a tsunami
the demands are endless
all the people pretty much defenceless
so much of it senseless

or is it?

I don’t know – He doesn’t do many personal visits

but the thing that makes it all so exquisite
when you pray, God doesn’t go Oh Jesus Christ NOW what is It?
because the guy’s complicit
He KNEW those planes were headed for Manhattan
He KNEW when the towers went up they were gonna get flattened
but he’s contractually obliged
to let the planes fly
and not guide
them to a better place
even though his superpowers are supposedly ace
and he could’ve easily done it and not lost face

so in case
you’re wondering
why He keeps blundering
klutzing around the place, flooding and thundering
leaving people in the lurch
to the point you wonder why they go to church
it’s because (apparently) He gave them Free Will
which is fine until
you find this God of Love
is more than happy to shove
any who die and come to dwell
with Him and his high-end clientele
heads down heels up straight to Hell
okay great thanks
you just got pranked
Free Will definitely shooting blanks

But God moves in a mysterious way, His wonders to perform
from carcinomas to slugs on the lawn
maybe that’s why He’s permanently distracted
and so damned hard to be personally contacted
maybe he needs more angels on the desk
because I have to say His PR’s grotesque
it’s hard to be desperate, patient AND virtuous
when all you get is ‘please hold – your prayer is important to us’

The Legend of King Stanley

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

Part the First
Wherein King Stanley doth receive his knights at Barkalot

And lo! did a myriad dogs run hot
making their way to Barkalot
to see the newly anointed king
who drew Snaxcalibur from the tin
And lo! Did every mutt and stray
from Munsterlander to Bichon Frise
journey there to pledge their fealty
(and check out the impressive realty)
And a great round basket was duly set
in the Hall so all dogs could lie in it
arguing amongst them who doeth what
who wouldst go fighting and who wouldst not

Part the Second
Whereby the Welsh Terrier Merlin adviseth Our Lurcher

And gravely did Merlin approach the sofa
where lyeth King Stanley after supper
and growlingly counsel about Snaxcalibur
and flicketh through pics on his pixie camera
to show the place the King must take
the magick treat though his heart doth break
and stand upon that fateful shore
and howl as he never howled before
then toss it out in one smooth shake
for the Lhasa Apso of the Lake
and then the prophesy will be complete
and he can go back on the sofa if he wipeth his feet

E.T. Stanley

~ jim clayton ~ 2 Comments

Stanley was recently abducted by aliens
skimming the forest for homo sapiens
but their tractor beam missed in the spooky fog
and they ended up with an annoying dog

as they closed the glowing cargo doors
and saw the size of Stanley’s paws
they probably thought they’d bagged a yeti
and screamed as he jumped up on the settee

they tempted him off with alien treats
then buckled up snug in their saucery seats
as the spaceship wobbled and sped away
about a million feet per second I’d say

but half way back to the Outer Nebula
Stanley started to whine quite regular
until they snapped and shot straight back
and beamed him down to the forest track

and how do I know this? well – luckily
I could see the whole thing from behind a tree
I mean – aliens are smart and pretty advanced
but handling Stanley? No. Not a chance