poems

Vampire FAQs

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

Vampires have been around
since late last night
they sleep underground
and when the moon’s just right
they spring from their coffins and nip out for a bite

Vampires leave no reflection
are allergic to garlic
are prone to blood borne infections
and many are alcoholic
(but their love of red wine is purely symbolic)

Vampires can be neutralised by sunlight
blessed water, sacramental wafers
a sexton’s spade is also good in a fight
but if you really want to enrage their natures
spray them with a can of holy vapours

Vampires are fashionable
they love to look smart
although capes can be questionable
it gets them in the part
and denim to them is like a stake through the heart

The Legend of Boristannia

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

Once upon a time
in a land far, far away
from you
the EU
or any notion of accountability
lay a fabled land of limited respectability
led by the warrior Boristannia
dressed in a suit he’d pulled from his pannier
with a nest of golden hair that didst
his mortal minions keep transfixed
because he knew well how to artfully shock it
to make it seem shaggier the more you clock it
and have you reach for the comb in your pocket
because he’s obviously too brilliant to worry about looks
like an Einstein, maybe, or a Michael Foot

just a guess

but I digress

And verily
most merrily
and hail-fellow-well-met pseudo-militarily
in his right hand he didst clasp a trident submarine
that handily doubled as a pegging machine
and a shield cast from the purest pig Latin
that in
times of embattled TV debate
when the questions weren’t falling all that great
and his collar didst feel a weeny bit hot
he couldst wave the shield about his person a lot
until the questioner quite forgot
what it was she’d come to ask
and the moment wouldst pass
and the whole thing feel like a Whitehall farce

and lo! Boristannia’s statue on the plinth
that I’m sad to say these many years sinth
hath been pushed in the harbour
didst formally boast in addition to said armour
one monstrous & mighty
and really extremely quite bitey
LION!
symbolisin’
I’m surmising
the huge amount of lion
he didst did

Anyway – that’s Boristannia, god forbid
My rent’s due Thursday. Lend us a quid.

interview with a magician (dec’d)

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

Please – do help yourself to a candle
Set it up there with the others on the mantle
Ah! That’s better!
Thank you SO much for your letter
I thought it was SUCH an elegant script
that you quietly and enterprisingly slipped
beneath the door of my humble crypt

Yes! My career took an unorthodox trajectory
from that first little nibble in the eighteenth century
I thought nothing of it
it was nice; didn’t LOVE it
but the chap was a persistent so-and-so
and as I didn’t have garlic or a crucifix, you know
I suppose you could say my resistance was low

And then I too started wandering at night
in a powdered wig and a blouse of white
which wasn’t much good
as it showed the blood
but I built a collection of capes and hats
that gave me a little nocturnal pizazz
like one of those marvelous, giant bats

I learned pretty soon to be circumspect
and limit the number of people I pecked
but you know what it’s like
when appetite strikes
and you fight with your conscience but cannot resist
a nice fat neck or a juicy wrist
so that would be ANOTHER town struck off my list

I needed a job that would give me some cover
for the derangement of blood I was acting under
because you wouldn’t get far
with a card that said Vampire
so instead I opted for Vlad the Magician
which seemed to give me the most permission
to be up to no good in the intermission

And I played every venue from Carlisle to Harwich
And even had several offers of marriage
which as you can guess
were not a success
because dash it all – every fifty years or so
I’d have to find some excuse to go
because the age gap would really be starting to show

And there you have it – from the vampire’s mouth!
But goodness me! The candle’s gone out!
Be careful not to slip
In my cluttered little crypt
And oh! How the mist piles up like smoke!
I’m SO glad you dug me up and we spoke
Come let me wrap you in my nice warm cloak…

from The Book of Johnson

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

and the government shall make promises it cannot keep
and the public pockets shall be dark and deep
and gentlemen contracts shall be plentiful and cheap
and wealth without end shall be ours to reap
and the opposition shall mither and murmur in its sleep
and media barons shall shepherd the sheep
and industrial waste shall burgeon and seep
and excess populations shall be brushed in a heap
and riot police shall kettle and sweep
but if the people should waken and weep
we shall charter a jet to our castle keep
with security walls that are spiky and steep
and highly trained guards to patrol in a jeep

and in case you were thinking of legal action
your lawyers will find they have limited traction

here endeth the first lesson

monsterity bites

~ jim clayton ~ 2 Comments

Frankenstein lurches back of the line
at the Critters’ Advice Bureau just before nine
behind Dracula in shades and a tatty black wrap
cursing in Transylvanian on his pay-as-you-flap
Swamp Thing, The Ghoul, Golem, Orc
the terrible queue spilling out along the sidewalk
Has anyone seen The Invisible Man lately?
The Leprechaun channeling Michael Flatley
as he tries to cheer them up with his crazy dances
along the ghoulish queue as it slowly advances
and lift their spirits as they wait to be assessed
but even though he does his best
and stamps and taps like a sprite possessed
everyone’s just too monstrously depressed

And the people passing can easily tell
the monsters really aren’t doing that well
The Boogeyman’s blanket is full of holes
The Mummy’s supplementing with toilet rolls
Slenderman shows Skeletor the gap in his pants
Zombies stagger in a benzo trance
Medusa’s got plastic snake extensions
Bigfoot’s suffering fur retention
on Mondays Dr Jekyll has CBT
(Mr Hyde every other week consecutively)
The Werewolf’s growling his four paws throb
from his zero-hours Just Eat job
and they make applications but all draw blanks
and live on what’s given to the community blood banks
and the only thing to lift the grim routine
is the thought that soon it’s Halloween

Escalatipede!

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

An escalator / goes full Terminator / terrorising a shopping centre / swallowing teenagers, mothers & strollers / shop assistants, security patrollers / and the situation soon looks absolutely fucked / till they send in Mitch through a ventilation duct

Mitch is a public works engineer / a maverick mechanic with a controversial career / in groovy metal plates and gears / notorious for the outrageous ideas / he’s secretly worked on over the years / but no-one believed him / and the works department relieved him / of his badge and his oil gun / and his job at the works department looked totally done / his last automated walkway diagnostic run / so he went off piste with a taste for whisky / took on jobs that were wildly risky / till eventually / he went completely / off grid / and now and then you’d hear the weird things he did / like that funicular spectacular in the Himalayas / a luggage conveyor / turned aircraft slayer / at an international airport south of the Equator / but how much was fiction, how much was fact / just a gifted technician that fell off track / completely cracked

And nobody thought they’d see him back

Acting on tip-off information / the Corporation / follow him down to a town called El Concepcion / and a dive-bar called Los Organisation / where fugitive engineers get good lubrication / and chew over dark web instrumentation / it takes them a while to sober him up / show him the charge sheet they say they’ll rip up / if he’ll just come back to the scene of the crime / and de-escalate an escalator one last time

He grimaces, says fine

MONTAGE! / a secret lock-up with a freaky frontage / Mitch having a rummage / through an illicit tonnage / of fancy tools and shit / a silenced wrench with a scope on it / a box of hollow-point bolts / a watch that watches volts / a terminal for jolts / throwing together a toolkit of the maddest, most bad-ass bits / whilst Mitch / swings weights with his legs while he sits / grits / his teeth / goes for long runs on the beach… / the whole scene seems to go on forever / but because they hire a decent Editor / only lasts a minute or whatever

Meanwhile, back at the shopping centre / the evil escalator / has turned excavator / making a hellish nest / out of hundreds of shopping carts it compressed / and the marines go in all guns blazing / and the levels of personal bravery displayed is amazing / but the officers are crazy / their logic’s totally hazy / how are you supposed to shoot a creature / whose prominent feature / is a body made of steel and die-cast aluminium? / where do you even beginium? / (General Rivera wants nukes / but the President rebukes / ‘This is a goddamn shopping centre! / Rivera! / How’s THAT gonna play at the Primaries in November?’)

But suddenly a squeal of wheels / as a maintenance truck screeches up and reveals / Mitch the engineer in coveralls / leaping out the side with two full holdalls / of kit / a pair of safety goggles and a hard hat set back on his head quite a bit / ‘The Mitch is back’ he snarls. ‘Deal with it’

He sneers as he scans / the complicated plans / General Rivera holds in her trembling hands / then gives his curt commands / ‘Nobody touch nothing till I say so’ / Rivera gives the okay, so / slips him a chain with a lucky peso / which Mitch slowly kisses and whispers ‘Hey – You know? / I never thought I could love a General / She blushes, says ‘Didn’t they tell ya love’s ephemeral? / It’s a shame to waste it / Make it back alive and maybe you’ll taste it’ / (they carry on like this for about a minute / till the audience restlessly reaches its limit / and wishes there was a law to prohibit / every goddamn love scene like it) / ‘See you later, Escalator!’ salutes Mitch / then giving a smile like a boyish twitch / dodges off fast as Michael Jordan / out through the LAPD cordon / straight into a ventilation vent / he’s almost one hundred and one percent / sure is guaranteed / to lead / to the lair of the monstrous escalatipede / (which is what the LA Times have called it / even though the President tried to stall it)

There follows a sequence of fights and explosions / that might excite all you big action bozos / but the more I see the less I care / and I’m suddenly distracted by the amazing hair / of the person in the chair / in front of me / and wonder if it’s like that naturally / or if they get extensions / and how much it costs and other questions / till the next thing I know the film’s wrapping up / the escalatipede’s smoking and so are the cops / Mitch is kissing Rivera / the camera pans away from the shopping centre / and the audience are starting to leave the theatre / putting on their coats / abandoning their cartons and watery cokes / and squeezing past, saying excuse me / because apparently that’s the end of the movie

the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse on a zoom call

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

Everybody here?
No? Just waiting for Death to appear?
Okay. Fine.
The rest of you stay online
Famine? Honey? Try not to snack
your crunching gives me a heart attack
you know you can mute your mic
every now and again if you like
Okay? That’s great.
Did anyone know Death would be late?
Conquest? Sweetie? Adjust your chair
All we can see is a tuft of hair
That’s better!
Hey! Love the sweater!
Did you knit it?
Too shy to admit it?
But that’s your horse, right?
Your DOG? O-kay. Clever!
Stretching it a bit, but – whatever
Hi War! Glad you could make it
If you jump on your chair like that you’ll break it
I know you think this meeting’s a joke
but can you kindly adjust your cloak
I’ll find it hard to marshall my thoughts
staring at your boxer shorts
Finally! Here’s Death!
You look a little out of breath
you rattling old fruit
it’s not exactly a long commute
from grave to laptop
and by the way – blur your backdrop?
I don’t think I’m entirely alone
freaked by the sight of a mountain of bones
that’s better! So – thank you for coming
Famine? Did you want to say something?
Yep. We’ll break at ten
so you can nip out for a bite to eat then
Okay. Point Number One of the meeting
Climate change and global heating
Now as I’m sure you’re all aware
humans have fucked up the atmosphere
along with everything else
so the ice cap melts
the ocean rises
yaddah yaddah no surprises
populations under a lot more stress
and as you’ve probably already guessed
I’m going to have to increase your hours
I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’ve got limited powers
I’m feeling just as tired and frustrated
this Apocalypse game’s getting complicated
Thank you. So. Point Number Two
I would like to propose another member to you
Yes! Yes! I know it’s always been Four
and Four is the number on the rec room door
and it’ll take a lot of costly work
to change all the Four Horsemen merch
but let me just tell you what I propose
and then we can count the yesses and nos
The fifth horseman of the Apocalypse is…..Johnson
Conquest? You’ve got a question?
He can ride a bike but can he ride a horse?
We’ll give that some serious thought, of course
It’s just – c’mon! – he’s so damned effective
promoting our global Apocalypse objective
we thought he warranted special status
a cloak and the usual apparatus
so whaddya think – can he join the club?
Death? You look annoyed. What’s up?
That’s true. Maybe his name does need finessing
Johnson might have the punters guessing
What about Waffle? Would that be okay?
Not exactly terrifying but what the hay
Waffle could be the thing that works
confusion dressed in crazy hair and quirks
so it’s Death, Famine, War, Conquest and Waffle
C’mon! I don’t think that’s completely awffle.
So all agreed then? Five it is!
Who’ll ride to meet him? Volunteers?

in space, no one can hear you sneeze

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

I’m sick, sick, sick, SICK
my lungs are raw and my head is thick
my eyes splashing unstoppably
like two salty waterfall wannabes
tumbling over the pale cliffs of my cheeks
onto Kleenex boulders scattered in heaps

and when I sneeze?
please!
I could power a wind turbine with these
a few useful megawatts
to offset the megasnots

let me tell you EXACTLY how badly it’s going
my nose is dangerously, radioactively glowing
from all the blowing
standing out from my face
so big and badly you can see it from space
I only know this information
because the International Space Station
happened to send me a text
when they passed directly overhead:
‘We’re picking up a structure
on our satellite camera
I’m pretty certain it’s a nose
but the Captain thinks it’s one of those
undiscovered active volcanoes’
(I texted back:
Yeah – thanks for that.
you’re right – it’s a schnozz
but I wouldn’t hang around because
any second now I’m gonna blow it
and you’ll be halfway to Mars before you know it)

apocalypso

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

zombies outside the shopping mall, soldiers shoot from the hip
ghosts scream round on the underground, the radioactive pipework drips
if I blunt my sense of survival, if I lose my way
I’ll chalk it up to experience and we’ll meet again some sunny day

so …. follow instruction on the TV station, panic ain’t worth a heck
we’ll put to sea on a submarine and watch the end from the deck

famine and plague in the boonies, fire & flood in the town
alien creatures with distressing features running the population down
and if I hear of resistance, I’ll be sure to send you a text
so board up your doors, conserve your stores and get ready for what comes next

and … follow instruction on the TV station, panic ain’t worth a heck
we’ll put to sea on a submarine and watch the end from the deck

asteroid on collision, virus, earthquake and worse
you won’t have a prayer come the solar flare and the poles all flip to reverse
so sorry if I sound defeatist, I try my best to be bright
but it’s hard when your yard is badly charred and the wolves are prowling at night

meanwhile … follow instruction on the TV station, panic ain’t worth a heck
we’ll put to sea on a submarine and watch the end from the deck

(play out with trumpets, steel pans, sirens &c)

Ep. 1: The Bezos Configuration

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

TITLE SEQUENCE
Scrolling backdrop
of planets, stars and whatnot
::: Glow in the Dark Space Assortment Box
£5.99 / 2 left in stock ::::

VOICEOVER:
Space – the final commercial frontier
these are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise
it’s tax free mission
to exploit strange new worlds
to seek out new life, new sales opportunities
to boldly grow where no business has grown before

Aaaah aaaaaaaaaaah, aaaah aaaahaaaahaaaahaaaah
dur-nur-nur nur huuuuur nur
(who said I can’t write music)

CUT TO:

[ Captain Kirk
up for adventure, glad for the work
grunts, barely awake
slumped in his chair
lustrously fake hair
:::: Short Blond Wig for Halloween
Get it Tomorrow, October 15 :::: ]

[ Elon Musk
brilliant but brusque
eyebrows plucked
stares into a piece of techy kit
unemotionally analyses it ]

MUSK: Captain – we’re picking up activity
in the vicinity
of the Cardboard Nebula

KIRK: On screen!
( ::: 17.3 inch gaming monitor
save £6 with this voucher :::: )

[The monitor gives a worrying wobble
revealing a hooded and hobble
looking geezer
like an unleaded Vin Diesel
with a weasley kinda smile
like he’s been planning this a while
and in a coupla parsecs
you’ll be out on your arsecs ]

KIRK: (spitting) Bezos!

JB: Hello James
Please! No more games
Our instruments show
your reviews are low
so although
I’ll be sorry to see you go
Bezos is business, you know…

[ He fires a sudden and sneaky volley
of bullets from the shopping trolley
::: Nerf N-Strike Elite Disruptor
22 used & new offers :::: ]

KIRK: Cards up!
Scotty! We need more credit!

SCOTTY: Ah’m sorry Cap’n! I’m spending all she’s got but ah cannae change the laws of market forces…

MUSK: Captain. According to my calculations
we have ten seconds before account cancellation

KIRK: Scotty? Remember that uniform I got?
The one I thought would make me look hot
but for one reason or another unfortunately did not?
(:::: Cosplay Shirt, Gold, Black or Blue
£24.99 / four star reviews :::: )
Wrap it round a proton torpedo
beam it over on my signal…

[The package duly materialises
and before Bezos realises
what it meant
his ship gets splashed across the firmament]

MUSK: Enemy destroyed, Captain.
[Everyone claps him]

KIRK: (smirking)
I guess he got what he deserved.
Set a course for planet Earth
Mr Sulu
somewhere nice – try Honolulu
( :::: Ten pcs Hawaiian Silk Flower Lei
Free delivery with Prime next day :::: )