no dog walk

poor Lola
stress yawning
losing three molars
and a cyst
at the vets
this morning

she lies on the sofa
in a post-op stupor
wearing an old t-shirt of mine
(I didn’t mind
it was kinder than a cone
and wasn’t the nicest t-shirt I owned)

lying in that rumpled T
she looks a lot like me
before first coffee
staring mournfully
blinking slowly
each eye working independently

worryingly

she watches me put my boots on

I feel bad
she looks so sad
like I’m the Great Betrayer
grabbing my camera bag and phone
about to go on a walk on my own
saying
good girl see you later
phony as an alligator
wily, scaly, lowly
backing out the back door slowly

I thought I might go somewhere new
but somehow end up walking where we usually do
across the recreation ground
over Broken Tree Hill, down
to the stream with the ruins and the ferns
up the rooty path that turns
by the field with the cows and the crows
where the warm wind blows
through the high summer grass
to enter the wood at the broken fence
by the fallen chestnut and the badger setts

and for a moment I think I can see
Lola standing there, waiting for me
like she often will, her nose in the air
and the moment she sees me there
she turns and hurries on into the shadows

and I follow

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hanging around

On the third or fourth day of our honeymoon in Sicily
we took a bus out to the Catacombe dei Cappuccini
a place where a bunch of mummified cadavers
– priests, princes, painters, whatever –
had been hung on the walls in their various vestments
in an early kind of tourist investment

A yawning attendant took our euros
We shuffled past the curios

I’d been quite nervous about the trip
what if I saw all the bodies and flipped?
unable to cope with the presentation
of DEATH in all its manifestations
but it’s funny how quickly DEATH loses its sting
when DEATH is literally everything
the rows of children in dusty smocks
a gaping priest in an open box
huddles of monks with their hats on a slant
a shrunken admiral; a desiccated aunt
men in suits, women in shawls
lines of musicians hung on the walls
playing their drab and wormy violins
with empty sockets and vacant grinsIMG_0923

and really, y’know – we could do without it
we quickly got quite blase about it
Death the Destroyer; The Great Unknown
It all comes down to a souvenir of bones
‘What will survive of us is Love’
(and a green frock dress and a calfskin glove)
so we hurried past the painter, the corpse with the hunch
and thought about an early lunch
hurried out of the Catacombe dei Cappuccini
and crossed the road for some fettuccine

invasion of the body politic snatchers

There’s a greenhouse
back of the White House
long, blond tables
trays of dollars & roubles
planted with presidential cuttings:
a golfing pin
a toenail
a cufflink
really – anything’ll do it

shut the door and I’ll talk you through it

once a month
President Trump
meets with a secret scientific team
of the highest horticultural esteem
with micro-harvesting machines
everything scrubbed & clinically clean
for the collection of presidential material
animal, vegetable, mineral
from the screaming chief imperial
which they spray with a potent, patent POTUS solution
then take to the greenhouse to grow in seclusion
row upon row of orange seedlings
(warmed by the light of FOX in the evenings)

and the strange flowers grow
& swell into pods in portly rows
red leaves on top
tendrils that flop
until they’re fine and fat and ready to pop
when out will drop
a line of half-formed Trumpettes
blind & bland as a bunch of courgettes
but ready to take on the exact dimension
of anybody you happen to mention
(all you have to do is plant them in a bed
with access to the person’s head
a little water, a day and a half at best;
the trumpy tendrils will do the rest)

I’ve watched a procession of military crates
shipped at night through the White House gates
to target all those countries and states
that have the gall to celebrate
all the things they hate

I’m telling you man
It’s a world-wide plan
the patriarchs and oligarchs have hatched
with Trump at the heart of the vegetable patch

and

THEY’RE HERE, ALREADY! YOU’RE NEXT!

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(inspired by & last line quote from ‘The Invasion of the Body Snatchers‘ 1956)

skipping nightmare

IMG_0912 Here comes a figure with a low-slung cart / long white fingers, coal black heart / hauling his load down the dark city road / spits to the left, spits to the right / stops at the cemetery gates at night / takes his shovel, takes his sack / digs all the bones and throws them in the back / there’s a pelvis, a femur, backbone and humerus / tibia and fibula and others too numerous / he works all night by the light of the moon / then he takes all the bones to the catacombs / where he stacks them high, he stacks them low / the skulls in a line so they’re all on show / one’s the pastor, one’s the clerk / one’s the gardener who worked in the park / that’s the doctor, that’s the king / and that’s the end of my skip-ping

social media reset

To restore factory settings:

  1. Close dominant eye
  2. Raise hand of same side
  3. Extend index finger and thumb
  4. Lightly place finger on eyelid
  5. Nestle thumb in fossa triangularis (see diag.)
  6. Place index finger of opposite hand on tip of nose
  7. Press all three points simultaneously
  8. Hold for three seconds
  9. Release

and suddenly

finally

followers
are the fish
that nuzzle your feet
as you swim out
in the bay

messages
are the words
tricked out with sticks
in the flat sand
at low tide

selfies
are the faces
finger drawn in mist
on the cold pane
of a window

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dream bucket

:::: coming out of the shower, I find James Earl Jones holding a towel saying “nice musculature”
:::: a truck driven by a polar bear pulls up beside me at the lights with a driver strapped to the grille
:::: what I think is a parachutist landing in the garden turns out to be a giant puppet
:::: I’m with a crowd at the zoo watching an octopus struggle to put in a contact lens
:::: Vladimir Putin shows me how to chop a courgette whilst singing the Baby Shark song
:::: it’s only when I take a selfie I realise I’m actually someone else

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an instantaneous, automotive love bubble

the guy had been tailgating me
the last ten minutes
his bonnet so far up my exhaust
I was practically sitting on it
I couldn’t take it any more
I stopped
he stopped
we sat there awhile
then both jumped out
and strode towards each other
and do you know what?
it was a beautiful thing
he said he was sorry
but he’d just been overcome
by a sudden and irresistible sense of connection
I smiled at him
I felt it too, I said
we both sat down in the middle of the road
to explore this wonderful thing further
the other drivers driving round us
shaking their adorable heads & fists
the sweet sound of sirens in the distance
what did we care?
we had stumbled into what I’ve since
come to understand
was an instantaneous, automotive love bubble
we sat there on the blacktop
stradling the double white line
gently stroking each other’s beards
mutually admiring their sheen and vigor
he ran his hands over my arms
nodded approvingly at the tone and form
I did the same – and – honestly?
it was like feeling myself
we talked about things we’d done lately
that made us cry
he said when he was ironing
some white polo shirts
and listening to Nick Cave;
I said when I woke from a dream
in which my dead father sold me a ticket for the ocean
he laughed as if it was the sweetest
saddest thing he’d ever heard
I appreciated that
a police car skidded to a stop behind us
we helped each other stand up
and held hands as the officers
approached, advancing with tazers drawn
‘Do you know I smell lavender?’ he said
suddenly glancing over at the verge
‘A little cloying, perhaps, but SO good for the bees’

 

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isaiah 6 thru 8

The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb / and the leopard shall join them via web cam / and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together / whatever a fatling is / and they shall do the biz / and a little child shall lead them / and the fast broadband shall speed them / and great shall be the multitudes of followers thereof

And the cow and the bear shall feed / each according to their need / the cow unto pastures sunny / the bear into big jars of hunny / and their young ones shall lie down together / on disreputable but comfortable sofas of leather / and the lion shall eat straw like the ox / in a big cardboard box / because the lion hath been behaving most strangely of late / but all interventions frustrate / making for a most uneasy kinda housemate

And the sucking child shall play on the hole of the asp / which shall make all around him gasp / his collar grasp / and they shall pull him away pretty fast / and tell him most sternly this is the last / time he cometh to the petting zoo / if this is the kinda thing he doth do / and the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice’ den / and the whole damned thing shall start over again

a meeting with disappointment

hello. I’m DISAPPOINTMENT
(sorry I didn’t make an appointment)

I take it from your slack expression
I hardly need ask the question
were you expecting SUCCESS?
let me guess!
YES?

well – I don’t know if it’s of any help to you
but my dear old mother maintained the view
when life gets tough you grin and bear it
till in the end she was grinning a fair bit

what time is it?
this wasn’t the purpose of my visit!
that’s quite enough about me
it’s YOU I’ve come to see
how are YOU today?
Well – that’s okay
what can I say?
people are often shocked
to see who it is who’s knocked

Look – I know it stinks
but you just have to think
things will either go your way
or they won’t
and I’m sorry to say
on this particular day
they don’t

I have it all written down here
…..somewhere…..
the details of your particular….
…spectacular…..failure
ah! here it is!
quite a long list
of opportunities missed
openings screwed
promises misconstrued
redirected routes
pinching boots
second-hand suits
parachutes

and right at the end – well done you! – a plan of action!
(shame it needs such a drastic redaction)

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well wolf

dear doctor
sorry to bother ya
but every month
I dunno – I just kinda slump
get a rough and rumbly feeling in the rump
go fiercely cold, then hot
then roll around a lot
grow these four, enormous paws
with crazy cutlery claws
and a stack of teeth so appalling
I can’t wait to go tearing and mauling
so I crash straight outta doors
run around the moors
till I wake up at dawn
exhausted on the lawn
covered in blood and random carrion
even though I’m strictly vegetarrion
and I’m very worried because
I think this might be the menopause

: : : thoughts?

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