pilot season

Criminal Inactivity
The lazy extremes crime bosses go to 
when they really don’t want to 
whack this person or that
From Al Capone to Hattie the Hat
How a good cigar and a lie down
is preferable to a shoot-out or a showdown. 
(Viewer discretion advised in this;
extended scenes of idleness.)

Mount Olympus, NYC
The shuttle gets lost in some cumulo-nimbus
ploughs cone first into Mount Olympus
so the Greek Gods have to relocate for a bit
while NASA rebuilds all the temples and shit
After a great deal of fruitless rental looking
wind up in a brownstone in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn
Work jobs to see how the humans do it
(but need a lot of magic to help them through it)

Tractorman
A farmer gets bitten by a radioactive sheep
so every time he falls asleep
he turns into a Model 8850 John Deere tractor
(which might be a problem for your average actor)

Zoo Story

My mother-in-law knew
a primatologist at the city Zoo
Agnes, a long-time friend who
had a long-term argument
with a professor from a rival department
appropo
orangutan vs bonobo

Agnes looked after an orangutan
she said was smarter than
any woman or man
you could mention
in fact, it was her contention
evidentially
the orangutan was a genius, potentially

Her rival’s proposition?
with the authorities’ permission
a competition
between the two
an IQ test at Agnes’ zoo
finally settling
all the nonsense Agnes was peddling

They set up a test in the compound
a scattering of boxes on the ground
and hanging down
from the bars
a hand of bananas
bonobo
was the first of the two to go

The professor stood there with his clipboard and timer
the bonobo wanted to climb up there
so he started piling the boxes higher
and in fifteen minutes
had the bananas in his digits
You see!
said the professor: ‘Superiority!’

The boxes were put back around the place
the bananas replaced
the professor stood waiting with a smile on his face
the orangutan strolled in
glanced at him
at a box
considering the banana paradox

The orangutan pointed straight at the professor
waggled his finger to invite him closer
climbed him like a human ladder
widened his eyes
grabbed the prize
Twenty seconds!
clapped Agnes – any questions?

Well – there’s one I’d liked to have asked
if so many long, slow years hadn’t passed
and the orangutan finally pointed his last
I don’t understand
why you didn’t take his clever, leathery hand
and lead him
To the edge of a jungle in Borneo, and free him

lockdown blues

I’m tired of going nowhere
me and these no good shoes
tired of complaining
quietly misbehaving
nowhere and nothing to do

I’ve got those old time, low down, no good lockdown blues

I served my time on Netflix
boxsets on Amazon too
I’m just a media slave
two remotes from the grave
nothing better to do

I’ve got those small town, long time, no hope lockdown blues
and if a vaccine won’t save us Lord only knows what we’ll do

nafforism

You can lead a fish to water
but you really oughta
use an approved container
(a transportational no-brainer)
because unless your fish is well submersed
expect the worst

Fish have gills under the operculum
(I googled ‘em)

All this is VERY different to a horse
of course
a horse has lungs
and take their oxygen pretty much as it comes

Whatever

How did you get this number?

Hamlet junior

Dad came to visit me last night
– Alright?
he said
hovering awkwardly over the bed
well… given he’d been dead for years
then suddenly appears
like this
I couldn’t immediately say yes

– Harken to my warning!
I yawned
:: Wha’d’ya mean harken? I said
plumping the pillows behind my head
(because I got the impression
this ghostly session
might go on a bit
and I wanted to be more comfortable for it)

I have to say he looked amazing
Fading
in and out
throwing his glowing arms about
brown eyes burning
bald head turning
a full three sixty

:: Hey! That’s pretty tricksy
– Sorry. We’re obliged to do this shit
For a bit
he said
sinking sadly to the bottom of the bed
– Technically it’s called ‘haunting’
code for all the bullshit flaunting
you have to do to keep in trim
Anyway – nice to see you, Jim

:: Nice to see you
too
I said
:: But I wish you were alive instead
– Christ! You’re not the only one!
I can’t tell you how stupid all this is, son
You’re suddenly weirdly obsessed with mirrors
and hanging about on the banks of rivers

:: So…no change there, then, since you died?
I replied
– What’d’ya mean?
:: Well – you’ve always been
a bit obsessed with your looks
and you had quite a collection of fishing hooks
I dunno – maybe you’re just tied
to all the things you did before you died

– Listen! I’m the one to harken to
not you.
:: Sorry. All ears, I said
sitting more upright in bed
doing my best to concentrate
I was tired, it was late
and even though this should be exciting
eight hours straight was more inviting

– Forgive me, my son
he went on
– Ever since they pulled the plug in hospital
I’ve become quite forgetful
I mean – it takes me all year
just to comb my hair
:: What hair?
There’s nothing there!

– See what I mean? he said
swiping his head
his ghastly hand passing straight through it
– A simple thing like that and I just can’t do it
They say RIP
but look at me
I look like I’ve just been dug up
:: Sorry to bring the subject up

– But soft! Methinks I scent the morning air
he glared
suddenly flapping his arms like a bird
not so much scary as completely absurd
:: What’s with all this bullshit lingo?
What are we playing? Hamlet bingo?
Can’t you just give me the whole thing straight?
I get up early and it’s really late

– Adieu, adieu, adieu! Remember me!
Jim…mmeeee!
My hour is almost come…!
:: You’re not the only one
Didn’t you have some kind of warning?
Or have you run out of time now it’s morning?
My father just glared and shook his head
and disappeared from the end of the bed

:: Rest, rest, perturbèd spirit
Thanks for the visit
I mean – I thought you might have a bit more to say
Given how long you’ve been away
But aside from all the haunting and such
I suppose we never did talk that much
Who needs a ghost, come from the grave
To tell us how better we could’ve behaved?

plasticine man

it was only when I read a magazine
I realised I was made of plasticine
it was a shock at first
all my notions
of human emotions
and self-determination reversed
my bubble well and truly burst
I felt cursed

so I sat with the idea a minute
looked at all the aspects to it
I realised it explained a lot
I was easily led
my hands and my head
stayed in one spot
moved in sequences shot by shot
independent I was not

but every cloud has a silver lining
it’s really not so life defining
if you don’t let it
the stability’s great
someone else to animate
big hands come in to set it
real life? forget it
I don’t regret it

how the system works

It’s pointless to resist / Read your economists / – and not just the ones synonymous / with lame ideas about workers and production / or revolutionary interruption / to the natural laws of business function / That’s strictly for dreamers / beardy bolsheviks and left wing schemers / Give ‘em a union card & they’ll take you to the cleaners / No – GREED is what jealous people call SUCCESS / It’s a bit like chess / The pawn doesn’t understand the overall process / YES? / Makes sense? / The game is all about offence / The pawn’s only there to get jumped by the knight / Otherwise the game just wouldn’t play right / And – okay – so the table gets littered with pieces / But Jesus! / You can’t make an omelette without cracking some eggs! / Which begs / the question / Whatever gave you the impression / any of this was up for discussion?

You’ve got some nerve
Everyone gets what they deserve

Money doesn’t just talk / It hollers and squawks! / It bangs on the table with silver knives and forks / I’ve paid for this shit so feed me! / Bring me plates and bring them immediately / Bring me the best of whatever you’ve got / piled up decoratively high and hot / with attractive waiting staff fussing a lot / in a seamlessly choreographed trot / from the gleaming kitchen to my crumb-swept spot

Thank you SO much
Now hurry off back to the wretched little hutch
you call home
and leave me the hell alone

Okay, then – I’ll keep it simple / a couple of lines you can keep on your Kindle / Something official / A phrase or two you’ll find beneficial / Capitalism / is a natural system / An organic expression / of social dynamism / whereas Socialism / if you’ll excuse the criticism / just isn’t

Let me explain / There are complex networks of exchange / Okay? / Methods of social collaboration / permeating the body of the nation / just like veins and capillaries / nourishing every area and category / doing whatever’s necessary / to keep the body politic healthy / Now – if the temperature suddenly drops / does the brain shut up shop and stop? / NO! / It does not! / It sends a message straight to the toes / I’m sorry but your services are no longer required / Your licence to walk has expired / So the blood supply gets choked / the toes are smoked / And then when the weather finally picks up / the brain’s altogether tip top! / Because the Brain is your original capital survivalist / And always in good shape to see a podiatrist

Whaddya mean, no?
What did I just say about The Toe!

The point is – Capitalists efficiently utilise potential / It’s self-evidential / They strip things down to the basic essential / so the company can maximize profit / the shareholders draw their dividends off it / and the workers go home with money in their pocket / because only the fittest win / I mean – take Charles Darwin / Heard of him? / As Charley D so eloquently had it / you wouldn’t have got such a thing as a rabbit / if mammals hadn’t started through millions of years / growing the longest, most rabbity ears / and naturally the ones that couldn’t / pretty soon got made redundant / That’s the rule of natural selection / and I humbly offer it for your close inspection

Greed may well be the root of all evil
but I think that applies to other people
and anyway – I’m confident all this shit’s legal