The three little pigs / decked out in cheap suits & wigs / strike out on their own for some fancier digs / what with the current economic contraction / the lack of monetary action / less addition, more subtraction / so they take a leap into housing construction

The big bad wolf / AKA Ralph / hairy grin and hairy laugh / takes a long-lens photograph / of the three pigs leaving the piggie shelter / stores it / claws it / hot paws it helter skelter / to his lupine friends in the private sector

The first pig builds a house of straw / not really understanding what straw is for / most of it ending up on the floor / thinking he’ll put the savings off-shore

Ralph turns up / says Yup / this ‘ll be easy enough / and anticipating snacking on crackling / coughing & cackling / shouts the hokey little rhyme / he likes to use from time to time

Little pig! Little pig! Let me come in!
: : : Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
Then I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house in

Frankly – it doesn’t take much / I mean – you can hardly call it a house as such / the pig howls, bows down / Ralph chows down / belches, then looks around / for pig number two / to do something horribly similar to

The second pig builds a house of sticks / with a particularly mean & muddy mix / highly inadvisable for any first fix / which makes him money but cooks his chips

Little pig! Little pig! Let me come in!
: : : Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
Then I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house in

The house collapses / the pig protests he’s paid his taxes / but by the time a single minute elapses / Ralph’s done eating and stands cleaning his glasses

The third pig builds a tower block / with flammable cladding and dodgy stock / a total health & safety shock / the subcontractors running amok / basically a twenty storey crock / the social housing that time forgot / the pig doesn’t give a backward glance / happily stuffing his saville row pants / with buckshee bucks and government grants

Now this is definitely the best pig yet / this pig I fundamentally get / says Ralph, his mouth already wet / from calculating the gross and net / the chauffeur driven car, the private jet / high tea with a baronet / in an oak paneled room with a string quartet

Little pig! Little Pig! You’re hired!
(Sorry about those pigs I retired)
Come huff and puff on the cigars I’ve acquired

The two of them go into the property business / trotter to paw with a crow to witness / happier than a pig at Christmas / until the courts get brave and serve papers / for gross negligence and other capers / so the wolf goes back on the earlier deal / squeals / shows a hairy pair of heels / leaves the pig spitting on a rotisserie wheel

I’m Phony Morrison
Charles Thickens
Edgar Allen Nope

I’m Walt Shitman
e e goings
T S Bellyache

I’m Charlie Chaplout
Clueless Fairbanks Jnr
Liable & Hardly

I’m Lazy David
Bob No Hope
Phyllis Duller

I’m John Le Non
Bo Deadly
Negative Prints

I’m Minimum Monroe
Least Witherspoon
Meryl Stroke

I’m Partly Smith
Stevie Nix
Madowner

I’m Freezer Kahlo
Flaky Emin
Yoko Oh No

I’m Steve Jobless
Mark Suckerberg
Nil Gates

I’m Won’t Smith
Bad Pitt
Loose Willis

I’m Nicola No It Isn’t Urgent
Novice Johnson
Mere Starmer

I’m Muddled J Trump

the pope, unfortunately
having a bad prayer day disproportionately
fluffs the mic & when he tries to grabbit
trips on the steps & goes pellegrina over habit
and in a scene once seen you can never forgetto
does a backward flip and lands on his zucchetto

I can’t see if the house next door is empty or not
it’s a pretty shady, shambolic kinda spot
the holiday let that time forgot

there doesn’t seem to be much coming or going
no lights in the windows at night showing
there’s really no way of knowing

I’m tempted to walk up the overgrown drive
knock on the window and peer inside
have my curiosity satisfied

but what if I saw myself in the gloom
an elderly man sat alone in a room
in smeary makeup and clown costume?

Would the old me scream and look away?
honestly – it’s impossible to say
but I don’t think I’ll be going there today

Welcome to the CPS / and many congratulations on your awful success / you’ve all been selected for your creepy credentials / your dour demeanour evilly evidential / loads of lovely shocking potential / so it’s a very chilly welcome to this three week residential

Week One is dedicated / to murder premeditated / how to keep a journal / that’s suitably infernal / close, spidery writing / crazily inviting / red and green and black and exciting / madly mixed in with collages / polaroids of garages / celebrity marriages / with heads transposed / grudges disclosed / that kind of thing / but don’t worry – we’ll give you guidance on everything / help you find your style / the kinds of things that’ll read well at trial / and give you ammunition for your enigmatic smile

Week Two we like to call ‘Nailing the Look’ / working from the book / of the same name / because psychopathic style isn’t a game / it’s a very serious business / it takes more than hair gel and an off-the-peg grimness / to terrify both victim and witness / we’ll help you shovel out your inner psycho / whether that’s Backwoods Ohio / Highrise Tokyo / Classical Stucco / or Stetson Bucko / we’ll find the look for you / you might have a cleft palate / only eat salad / work as a valet / whack people with a mallet / you might be criminally beautiful / have a family that’s dutiful / be very musical / you might be squinty / unyielding and flinty / you might have a whispery voice / wear a patch like James Joyce’s / make a feature of offering despicable choices / – the point is / you should enjoy this / because it’ll come out in the twist / when the dogged detective gets the gist / and realises the murderer was the podiatrist / and you end up fighting in the dark by a cliff / and you go over – or do you? / none of this is voodoo / it’s what we do / do you understand what I’m saying to you? / your psycho style is everything / and this is what you’ll be studying

Week Three is key / knowing your psycho intimately / primarily / how the stairs and doors are creaking / where the taps on the frightful baths are leaking / everything should be shrieking / danger! psycho! environmentally speaking / IKEA won’t cut it / if you have an IKEA catalogue, shut it / forget it / if your sense of propriety shrieks notoriety – let it / it’ll only enhance your psycho credit / and by the way / I have to say / your knowledge of the bible / must be unrivalled / so you can quote for any occasion / and paper the windows with Lamentations

Here’s a list of the basics you’ll need / to hit the basement running and get up to speed / some night vision goggles and a bag of restraints / surgery for dummies and a tin of red paint / a creepy clown mask and a burner phone / a hatchet and a sharpening stone / a photo of your granny in a frumpy frock / some high explosives and a digital clock / a Magnum / a forensic report on the antiseptic properties of sphagnum / a plastic facsimile of the skull of a cro-magnon / and so on / at least it gives you something to go on

Mr & Mrs Runcible / the criminal principals / will now show you down to your cells / for a dispiriting meal and a box of shells / any problems, yell / first lesson tomorrow promptly at eight

can’t wait