survivor

Rafa nods a welcome
dabbing at a plate of
crackers & cheese
heavy with the gravity of it all
the illness, the age, the getting by
the day and the distance
sliding past the window
through the bare trees
of the leisure centre
and the lit, late, relentless commuter traffic

‘What you want?’ he says
and gestures for me to sit

Later, after the examination
making conversation,
proving there’s more to me
than a stethoscope, a badge and a yellow folder
I ask him where he’s from
‘Where am I from?’
‘Yes. Where are you from? Originally.’
‘Originally?’
‘Yes.’
‘Guess’
‘Turkey?’
He shakes his head, takes another bite of cheese
Greece?’
‘No. You want clue?’
‘Yes’
‘An island in the Mediterranean.’
He waits for me to speak.
‘My geography is terrible’
‘Former British territory’ he says.
‘God’
He snorts. He and I both know
God can’t help me now
he finishes the last piece of cheese,
puts the plate to the side
and gently smacks his hands clear
‘Gibraltar?’ I say.
‘Gibraltar is promontory’
He stares at me.
‘More clue?’
‘Please’
‘Much destruction in the war,’ he says. ‘British colony.’
‘Guernica?’ I say, thinking of a distressed horse
‘Guernica?’ he says. ‘Guernica is town in north of Spain.’
He mutters something, takes a sip of his tea
carefully places it back on the table
on top of the plate.
‘Although much destruction in Guernica, too, of course’ he says
staring at the cup, the plate, the papers, the mess pertaining
‘Give up,’ I say.
‘Malta,’ he says, turning his eyes back on me
‘Malta!’ I say. ‘Of course!’
He smiles
‘You know, the British, they gave us medal after the bombing.’
He shrugs
holds one fleshy hand out, palm up.
‘The only problem was, where to put it.’

witness

the woman’s smile
is as wide and sudden as the door
‘We’d like to speak to you a moment
about the trouble the world is in’ she says
I glance at the others with her
a man held in position by his tie
a girl in a black velvet dress
the three of them as smart as a family
in an advert for something wholesome
‘We’re Jehovah’s Witnesses,’ she says.
‘Can I give you a leaflet?’
‘I don’t think it’s worth it,’ I say.
‘We’re not ah…erm… we’re not
a religious household’
the word household sounding phoney when I say it
like frog or featurette
‘Take one anyway,’ she says
feeling my confusion
‘It looks a bit grim on the front
but I think you’ll find comfort inside.’
She’s right about the cover
Will suffering ever end?
a distressed woman with her head in her hands
I want to say something
if God made everything
he made the pain too
and what can you make of that?
but instead I glance at the man again
he’s looking at his watch
there’s only so far you can go with the lost
he seems to be saying
this wasn’t my idea
I’ve had a busy week
the guy’s obviously not interested
and anyway, God, look at the time

doggerel & catterel

sitting on the sofa, laptop on lap
wondering what to write a poem about
whilst over in her basket by the cupboard
her head resting on a cushion
that actually has a picture of her head on it
a lurcher version of the Turin shroud
Lola is giving me a look
so professionally woebegone
it would make a robot sob
so of course, what else could I do?
I think about moving my legs
Lola is up and on the sofa
before my feet are on the floor
turning round a couple of times
then slumping into place
running through such a repertoire of chop smacking,
backward glances and eyebrow raising,
it’s perfectly clear
how disappointed she is in my behaviour
but – of course – blessed as she is
with a limitless capacity to forgive
she somehow finds the strength to move on
and starts scratching her ear
with an elegant back leg
quickly building up speed and intensity
until it’s a terrifying whirling blur
like the release of an over-wound toy
and just when I think I should intervene
because she’s in danger of ripping her ear off
and sending it flying across the room
it strikes me (I mean a thought does,
not the ear, thankfully):
isn’t this a bit like me?
metaphorically scratching my head,
wondering what to write a poem about
and then – something else:
maybe I could write a poem about how writing a poem
is a bit like a dog scratching her head
but of course, she’s stopped now
and her ears have flicked up
she’s heard something interesting
that demands her complete attention
something coming in through the cat flap
It’s Solly, Lola
You know?
Solly – the other animal that lives here?
The cat?

on the stump

so let’s have a standing ovation
a generous pause for applause
from the thousands of windows and doors
overlooking this particular operation
okay
are you ready?
for the one, the only
the Original of the Species
the divine old timer
with the snappy one liner
the blade in the brocade
waving from the cock-end of the motorcade
the gorgeously adorable
uproariously deplorable
spray-can orangutan,
mr muscle in a suit
the man who put the F in faith and the T in truth
he’s so outrageous he’s IN
he didn’t begat he begin
Your leader!

you sir? yes, you.
glad you picked him?
give us your number, we’ll send you a pic of his dictum
how’d you like ten minutes on the dark side of the man
with a steady-cam, following him to the can and back
no? doesn’t float your stack?
Suit yourself. Go ahead. Re-boot yourself.
we’ve got time to kill and the hearts to do it
you had a vote and you blew it
accept it, it’s destiny
anything else is mutiny
yeah? you think
I’m sorry you feel that way
(hey! Hades in the shad-ees
whyn’t you help our friend here see the error of his ways
maybe some mindfulness technique
give his timeline a tweek)
dr google will see you now
that’s a good one
but let me tell you
it’s not all disney princesses and military successes
sometimes you just gotta take stock, you know?
have some time out,
see what all the screaming’s about
all those hilarious failures
the love affairs, mail scares and hail mary’s
the half-witted, two-faced, congressional fairies
why’n ya take a look at this sometime?
know who that is?
little jack horner, crawling back to his corner
thumb dripping plum juice and crack
having a happy-hour heart attack
waking up on the mortuary floor
tip-toeing to the back door
denying all knowledge
hey jack? where d’ya learn to act like that?
ronald mcdonald college?

okay, so

take a moment

and breathe

you don’t need to tell me which way up is,
I’ve been around the block a few times
I’ve kissed a kennel load of puppies.
I know which way the wind’s blowing
I’m tired of all this bitching and moaning
and by the way, just so you know
I’ve been following you from the get-go
man – you’re in so deep
you’ll need a submarine to get to sleep
you’re sub-prime, all the time
you’re turkey without stuffing
you’re ninety-nine percent of nothing
so suck on that for a minute whilst I get myself ready
and you – hold the camera good and steady
people? you never get a second chance to make a first impression
the rest is strictly for confession

company rap sheet

Let me do the introductions.

The Supervisor: Sure – okay – just your average kind of Visor, day to day, but hey! you’ll soon see the light, especially when they shine it over the city tonight. You’ll see what he’s capable of when he pulls on his cape, tears off his moustache and glasses and makes a couple o’ low, valedictory passes on his Supervisory way to whipping your worthless asses

The Manager: He manages. End of. Not someone you’d necessarily wanna make a friend of. I saw him manage a man from the chair he was sat on. He could fart a hurricane and keep his hat on. We were riding the sideline one time and he came sliding over, casual as a virus, got right up inside us, sunny and shiny as an anti-personnel mine. Man – I was so impressed I was de-pressed. But that’s my Manager, three parts mano a mano, four parts challenger. I hear the Devil came on a visit. Knocked on my Manager’s door, he said Who is it? The Devil, said the Devil, making a collection. But I don’t want no flotsam and jetsom. I want quality souls and they said you can get some. I’ll see what I can do, the Manager said. Went straight back to bed. Unbelievable, the Devil said. Who the hell is he  – King Priam? This motherfucker’s even worse than I am.

The Chief:  He’s a hustler, a player, a teamster in a tux. He’s mean as a monk on junk, crashing the party in a monster truck. He’s got a bunch of those vital signs you’ve been looking for all this time. He’s got the stance of a lion, the mane of a lion, hell – the mind of a lion, which I’ll admit’s a liability given the fragility of all the paws he panhandles these days, the international scandals, the jackboots, jockstraps, the saintly sandals. But hey! Them’s the breaks, my friend. Like my ol’ man Morrison said. This is the end. Take it or leave it. No-one cares if you believe it.

This company’s a ship going nowhere, lickety splicket.
C’mon over here, I’ll sell you a ticket.

the trouble with words

constructing a poem
word on word
mortared with space
it’s tricky
how quickly words lose their edge
and fall to pieces in my hands
for example. if I used the word tree
as in: last night I dreamed I was a tree
(not true, by the way
what I dreamed last night
was a child I found
curled up & drowned
in the cistern of a toilet)
anyway
if instead of that horrorshow
I’d had a lovely dream about a tree
what sort of tree would you see?
an oak? banyan? bristlecone pine?
for me, it would be a fallen birch
with a bracket fungus snacking on its veins
like a glaucous, vampiritic ghost

all in all,
I suppose the lesson here is:
be specific
use the tree you want us to see
not some flat, google proxy
there’s precious little control else
meanings will leach the boundaries of things
and you’ll find yourself losing track

like that time I made a wall
from bricks scavenged
from the bottom of the garden
I thought it was okay
a pleasingly rustic structure
but Val, peering over the fence
who’d lived next door for years and years
and knew the farmer pretty well
who even raced round that night
when he lay on the kitchen floor
choking on a chicken bone
Val knew much better than me
those bricks were once a pig shed

4b

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.
Abraham Lincoln? Mark Twain? Possibly the Bible.
The point is, sometimes the weight of everything there is to say
stifles the need to say it
for example, you’d think
to hear me carrying on,
I had a pretty good idea
what graphene was
you might be impressed by the way I flip it casually
into the middle of our faltering discussion
about water wars
but come on – you know as well as I do
I don’t know the first thing about graphene
what is it? some kind of atomic material?
anyway, the point is,
what it really makes me think of
is pencils

quite the place

we ran a bar in Portugal
my husband won it in a card game
took some work, I can assure you
but we stuck at it, until it was quite the place

it had a lounge in the basement,
enamelled tiles of peacocks and stags
panelled snugs pierced like confessionals
chandeliers, candles of sandalwood

the restaurant was on the ground floor
mountains of fruit, flowers, and breads
a monastery altar, with gorgeous aquaria
so you could point the waiter to your fish

the guest rooms were all upstairs
sweetly scented, linens laundered
clawfoot tubs, filigree shutters
every window with a view of the sea

something happened, though
a war? coup? I don’t remember
we were persona non grata
sold it all for a centavo

Still, one doesn’t do it for the money
and in the end, isn’t it something like this trifle?
gaudy, perhaps, and rather too sweet
but it gets you through the soup

genesis

it was me
I did it
I destroyed Dad’s shed
(cut myself on a nail
goddammit
serves me right
blood all down my shirt
bloody shed murderer)

anyway, I had some right
being there at the begatting
forty years ago
Dad scavenging planks from pallets
at the printers where he worked
grimace & purpose of Noah
an eye on the sky
& a fiver for the lads
to drop it all round
and when he had enough
nailing them up, quick, ship-lap style
a couple of windows
real glass, putty of aniseed
speculative press in the corner
inviting a bridge of thumbs
across the divide

but now those hands
rest in the ground
empty as gloves
and here I am
bloodied and breathless in the ruined ribs of it all
the fucked felt, the fossilised tins
nails and screws and useless things
the wormy bench, the rusted saw
and look – a square of green rubberhermes
an offset image of Hermes
no doubt from the printing
of some catalogue
I take it inside
hold it up to a mirror
to read the backwards writing
only subsequently
do I become aware
of my face behind it
suddenly a lot like yours

growing disarray

only twice I saw my father cry
once, when he came home early from work
having quit his job
(there was a new manager;
they didn’t get on)
no doubt knowing his dream
of being a self-employed gardener, handyman,
anything other than a bloody printer’s clerk
was never going to happen, was it;
things were desperate
what with all these kids,
their constant squabbling,
getting through clothes & food
like nobody’s business;
but at least he didn’t piss his wages
up the wall like his father did,
coming home drunk,
fighting his eldest brother Ted,
throwing him down the stairs;
and what else could he do
the double-bed in the box room
a strip curtain for a door
(the normal door off
or you couldn’t get in or out),
the cost of school shoes, and everything else,
the weekly shop, the rent, electric, gas;
well – he’d just have to swallow his pride
there was nothing else for it, was there
he’d just have to go straight back
and apologise

once, watching the Morecambe & Wise Christmas Show
the sketch in the Russian sled
where Ernie is in the back
singing ‘somewhere my love’ to Diane Solomon
and Eric is the driver
in a ridiculous hat and moustache
who keeps getting pulled out of his seat
by the horses
and climbing back up
over and over again
his hat on one side
his moustache hanging off
in growing disarray