Halloween Skipping Song
halloween
happy halloween!
Jim’s gym nightmare
there’s skeletor
on the pelaton
the invisible man
on the resistance band
the thing
on the rings
jabba the hutt
on the pull ups
the lost brain
on the cross trainer
gill man
on the pull down
dracula
on the squat rack
the basilisk
on the weight stack
Imhotep
on the pec deck
the abominable snowman
on some kinda
abdominal programme
T-Rex
in a tick vest
flexing
it’s all so vexxing
I don’t know why I bother with the gym
it’s so full of monsters I can’t get in
every night fright night
Halloween’s been cancelled
the bats have flit
the mummy is saying
her ghouls will be staying
back home in the family crypt
the ghosts are roosting
in shivering clumps
Frankenstein frankly
down in the dumps
the vampires stuck
in the castle cellar
under the floorboards
under the weather
huddled together
with only their thumbs to suck
the golem
is ho hum
lumpishly no fun
the werewolf
nowhere to be found
the killer clown
way outta town
the witch finally ditched
her broom and then hitched
for landings on easier ground
and all because they’d seen the news
the wars and cruelty had them confused
and honestly – what should they do?
they assumed that the humans
were suffering delusions
about monsters and who was who
so save your candy on halloween night
kick your pumpkin and curse
the monsters have quit
and you’d have to admit
they’re right – people are worse
I was a middle-aged zombie
I got bit
by this geezer
over by the supermarket freezer
he looked like shit
chased me round the aisles and would not quit
and I have to admit
I’m not that fit
and unfortunately that was the end of it
now I’m out
in the street
howling at everyone I meet
staggering about
legs all draggy and eyes like a trout
snot from my snout
without the shadow of a doubt
100% zombie or thereabouts
but what’s worse
than the limp
that makes me walk like a monstrous shrimp
or the bloody shirts
or the people in cars who slam in reverse
or the corpses I convert
no – the thing that REALLY hurts
is people still call me an office clerk
Vampire FAQs
Vampires have been around
since late last night
they sleep underground
and when the moon’s just right
they spring from their coffins and nip out for a bite
Vampires leave no reflection
are allergic to garlic
are prone to blood borne infections
and many are alcoholic
(but their love of red wine is purely symbolic)
Vampires can be neutralised by sunlight
blessed water, sacramental wafers
a sexton’s spade is also good in a fight
but if you really want to enrage their natures
spray them with a can of holy vapours
Vampires are fashionable
they love to look smart
although capes can be questionable
it gets them in the part
and denim to them is like a stake through the heart
interview with a magician (dec’d)
Please – do help yourself to a candle
Set it up there with the others on the mantle
Ah! That’s better!
Thank you SO much for your letter
I thought it was SUCH an elegant script
that you quietly and enterprisingly slipped
beneath the door of my humble crypt
Yes! My career took an unorthodox trajectory
from that first little nibble in the eighteenth century
I thought nothing of it
it was nice; didn’t LOVE it
but the chap was a persistent so-and-so
and as I didn’t have garlic or a crucifix, you know
I suppose you could say my resistance was low
And then I too started wandering at night
in a powdered wig and a blouse of white
which wasn’t much good
as it showed the blood
but I built a collection of capes and hats
that gave me a little nocturnal pizazz
like one of those marvelous, giant bats
I learned pretty soon to be circumspect
and limit the number of people I pecked
but you know what it’s like
when appetite strikes
and you fight with your conscience but cannot resist
a nice fat neck or a juicy wrist
so that would be ANOTHER town struck off my list
I needed a job that would give me some cover
for the derangement of blood I was acting under
because you wouldn’t get far
with a card that said Vampire
so instead I opted for Vlad the Magician
which seemed to give me the most permission
to be up to no good in the intermission
And I played every venue from Carlisle to Harwich
And even had several offers of marriage
which as you can guess
were not a success
because dash it all – every fifty years or so
I’d have to find some excuse to go
because the age gap would really be starting to show
And there you have it – from the vampire’s mouth!
But goodness me! The candle’s gone out!
Be careful not to slip
In my cluttered little crypt
And oh! How the mist piles up like smoke!
I’m SO glad you dug me up and we spoke
Come let me wrap you in my nice warm cloak…
monsterity bites
Frankenstein lurches back of the line
at the Critters’ Advice Bureau just before nine
behind Dracula in shades and a tatty black wrap
cursing in Transylvanian on his pay-as-you-flap
Swamp Thing, The Ghoul, Golem, Orc
the terrible queue spilling out along the sidewalk
Has anyone seen The Invisible Man lately?
The Leprechaun channeling Michael Flatley
as he tries to cheer them up with his crazy dances
along the ghoulish queue as it slowly advances
and lift their spirits as they wait to be assessed
but even though he does his best
and stamps and taps like a sprite possessed
everyone’s just too monstrously depressed
And the people passing can easily tell
the monsters really aren’t doing that well
The Boogeyman’s blanket is full of holes
The Mummy’s supplementing with toilet rolls
Slenderman shows Skeletor the gap in his pants
Zombies stagger in a benzo trance
Medusa’s got plastic snake extensions
Bigfoot’s suffering fur retention
on Mondays Dr Jekyll has CBT
(Mr Hyde every other week consecutively)
The Werewolf’s growling his four paws throb
from his zero-hours Just Eat job
and they make applications but all draw blanks
and live on what’s given to the community blood banks
and the only thing to lift the grim routine
is the thought that soon it’s Halloween
access all areas at the tory halloween party
And it’s a very chilly welcome to the blood red carpet
at the 2020 Tory Halloween junket
And here comes Cummings the Mummy! / Hands-outstretched & talking funny / in a dodgy dealer kinda mumble / like he’s evil incarnate but somehow humble / We LOVE his comedy trips and tumbles / his bad boy beanie, his lanyard fumbles / adorably horrible / unaccountably trouble / COMPLETELY at home amongst the rubble
Stop everything! / Here’s Gove the Thing! / with his squamous hair and swampster bling / slime slinging / gill singing / venom venting / swivel-eyed blinking / …this is definitely a look that will have your heart SINKING / But still, I hear champagne glasses CLINKING / so he’s doing alright despite what you’re thinking
Folks – if you’re got the sickness, we’ve got the pill! / Because in glides the glamorous Priti deVille / smiling as warmly as a dentist’s drill / glad-handing with languid skill / the journos from the rags until / one of them innocently questions her will / and then – yep! THERE’S the famous, homicidal chill / colder than the moon on Cemetery Hill / (if we could only distill it / we could dominate the world with it)
Once again Demonic Raab proves why he’s too Ghoul for School! / The nude headmaster with the power tool / who has everyone fooled / with his urbane smiles and arcane rules / but who’s surprisingly cruel / a look-a-like Peter O’Toole / measured, suave & cool / who lets a great white in the swimming pool
Take a look at Jenrick the Jester! / Juggling his balls of polyester / A real firm favourite with the court investors! / The corporate clown with the Poundland sceptre / As nimble with his fiddle as his back protector / Setting off all the metal detectors / hilarious and nauseating in equal measure / Casts no shadow WHATSOEVER
And finally – in rolls the Pumpkin King! / Shocking! / Watch him laughing and waving! / That’s amazing! / Now I’ve seen everything! / Those spiky teeth sawing! / All that public school squawking & guffawing! / And I suppose – who knows? – it might be entertaining / if ‘tragically horrifying’ / was your thing / So there he goes, u-turning / backsliding & backbiting / hackwriting / gaslighting & guessing / a model of fun if it wasn’t so depressing
And – oh dear! Bringing up the rear – what a pity! / Is that supposed to be Professor Chris Whitty?
jim clayton 