PAWS
A great white lurcher
sneaks up on the sofa
I’m horrified. drop the remote
we’re gonna need a bigger boat
TOP PAW: MAVERICK
A lurcher travels beyond Mach 10
from the sofa to the kitchen and back again
how the hell have we ever bourne it
a dog that’s faster than a super hornet
AVALURCHAR: THE WAY OF WALKER
A lu’cha from the RSPCA tribe
in a vaguely glastonbury kinda vibe
a walk in the wet is never easy
(vigorous towelling can make you queasy)
it’s a delicate, dog / human stalemate
I want to sit down but I’m worried about your tail mate
look at you – sprawling
on the floor
between the desk and the door
with awful
indifference
but ignorance
is no defence in law
so if your tail gets a kink
when I sit down to think
and you howl
and growl
and kick up a stink
any attempt by you
to lawyer-up and sue
will be laughed out of court
so here’s a thought:
why make snoozing quite so fraught
tuck in your tail before it gets caught
I know you find the desk inviting
but I GOTTA sit down and do some writing
Stanley was standing
off in the distance
and notwithstanding
my whistling insistence
he showed a deal of dogged resistance
stopping where he was
and I saw it was because
he was furiously snacking
on something
compelling
he’d found in the grass
and I hated to think what that something was
so I hurried over
and as I got closer
lost my composure
because what I saw was grosser
than anything you’d see on a horror film poster:
a particularly ripe and reeky rabbit
a deceased easter bunny with a belly full o’maggit
absolutely gross
an ex bugs’ bunny th-th-th-that’s all folks
one decidedly final dose
of goodnight bright eyes adios
I won’t water shit down:
this rotten ol’cottontail was pound for pound
the most hideous dinner a dog ever found
and suddenly hey presto
he’s tucking in with gusto
all fright, al fresco
abracadaver
doggy mind over dodgy matter
who the hell knows
why a dog with a nose
so super-sensitive
would think
such a stink
was representative
of the finest feast a dog could eat?
a canine Michelin, three star treat?
and it makes you feel a bit of a lummox
buying dog food for sensitive stomachs
when he dines like a fiend with a dirty habit
on a rotten ol’pile of rancid rabbit?
what you will need:
essence of fox
zest of wolf
sloth extract
some bagpipes
a whisk
a balloon
a clock
3m of curly white carpet
a big box with nothing in it
packing tape
method:
Preheat the oven to gas mark 3 (to heat up your dinner while you’re working)
Cut six holes in the big box – one in front, one out back, four underneath.
Place the bagpipes in the box with the four long pipes poking through the underneath holes.
Put the pipe you blow through the back hole.
Put the whisk in the front hole.
Throw in the essence, the zest and the extract.
Wind up the clock and chuck it in.
Close the box.
Seal the box with packing tape.
Blow up the balloon. Draw eyes, nose & mouth on it. Stick it on the end of the whisk.
Cover the box with the curly white carpet.
Have your dinner (sneaking Stanley some cheese when no one’s looking.)
this is a little difficult to talk about
but when I took Stanley walkabout
he unexpectedly squatted
and before I spotted
what was happening
he took a huge dump
like he was a monstrous, liquefied poo pump
or something
his tail a handle for vigorous pumping
oh no no no STANLEY! I cried
yanking a poo bag from inside
my jacket – but really what’s the point
a tsunami of shit all OVER the joint
splattering the vicinity outside a house
like someone criminally and liberally doused
the pavement in a reeking, faecal mousse
because they REALLY didn’t like the housse
but I couldn’t very well just shrug and say fuck it
I ought to go home and fetch a bucket
just at that moment the owner emerged
and stared at the mess poor Stanley had purged
I apologised profusely
that my dog voided so loosely
immediately outside such a lovely home
and what could I possibly do to atone?
don’t worry he said I’ll hose it down
there’s a lot of tummy bugs going round
our puppy was like it the other day
shit happens, man – what can I say?
1 The Lurcher is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to get the lead down and walk him in green pastures: he draggeth me beside the muddy streams.
3 He outdoors my soul: He leadeth me in the paths of excitedness for his games’ sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of daffodils, I will fear no teazel: for thou art with me (somewhere – who knows?); thy run and thy woof they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest before me for beagle, or Bichon Frises on extension leads; thou annoyest my head with howls; my patience runneth over.
6 Surely dogness and treats shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lurcher forever, and never have enough room on the sofa.
I believe in dog
primarily because
dog does as dog should
dog sniffs around the neighbourhood
and smells that it is good
in the beginning
was the word
and the word was dog
and lo He became soggy
because the woods were quite boggy
after the mighty torrent
and verily wilt He need a good clean-up I warrant
dog the lather
dog the suds
dog the toasty towelling
dog the growling
with pleasure
(verily doth he appreciate being dry without measure)
ah dogs
from St Stanley’s Epistles to the Bristles:
‘and we didst go for a walk into the woods
and the walk was wet but quite springlike and good
and we didst meet upon the path a terrier called Reggie
and my Owner didst chat unto Reggie’s owner
and didst make this joke:
‘Verily if thou hast a dog called Reggie
then must thou get thyself another dog
and this other dog shalt thou name Ronnie’
and Reggie’s owner did laugh most politely
and move to the side of the path ever so slightly
and the walk didst continue
and the world was made anew
with a tripe stick treat for me to chew’
I’m turning into Stanley
he’s morphing into me
I write in my blog
how my mind is a fog
how I’m sure we’re becoming one big dog
who snoozes
when he chooses
and generally confuses
the basket on the floor for the sofa he uses
the whole thing such a buzz
the dog that is, the man that was
now it’s Stanley going to work, not me
managing quite effectively
only struggling because
he needs hands not claws
to neatly unwrap a pack of gauze
and grizzles a bunch
and wolfs his lunch
in a messy old crunch
and his deadly farts pack quite a punch
but still – I’m just a beginner
humans are ace but dogs are a winner
I can’t wait to tell you all about
the amazing thing I just found out
(quite accidentally)
Stanley isn’t Stanley
not a rescue lurcher but apparently
a traveller from the pet planet Wetnosa
and the reason he spends so much time on the sofa
is he’s busy transmitting secret data
to the bassets and beagles back home in the crater
the great big basket operations centre
topped by a quivering, bone-shaped antenna
receiving all the growls and barks
and collating them into complex charts
looked over by a chihuahua, completely hairless
who acts intrigued but really couldn’t care less
jim clayton 