I’m Sunak in sliders sucking a popsicle / Truss on a bus and Boris in hospital / nicely stage managed but getting uncomfortable / crowd scenes biblical / placards & principles / typical / I thought we made this woke shit criminal? / we can tell from here they know it’s over / so we run for cover / out of the shit and into clover / ride in the back of a bullet-proof motor / with a crux of champers and a special branch chauffeur / on a rollercoaster road trip to Greece / live tweeted except for the Russian meets / lying as we lie on our loungers on the beach / paying off the police / working on gags for the after dinner speech

I’m ET with his ship on the meter / sticking my neck out saying take me to your leader / but cops will be cops and follow procedure / they brutalise, ziptie the crying creature / think I’m Iranian / possibly Canadian / deport me home as an illegal alien

I’m Scooby Doo / five o’clock shadow and Velma tattoo / snarling at the screws / in the state calaboose / desperate for news / struggling to get through / on the attorney line to the Cartoon Zoo

I’m Jesus on Kimmel / hair by Ferretti eyes by Rimmel / talking about his new book Sacrificial / initially charming / but progressively more alarming / till the producers / worried about revenues and viewers / pull the plug on the studio computers / and Jimmy says shit / that wasn’t in the script / I didn’t anticipate that one little bit / I can only apologise most sincerely for it / and Jesus lifts his eyes to camera 3 / says My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? / can’t you let something go right for me occasionally?

I’m Puff the Homeless Dragon / flaggin’ down a wagon / outta breath and outta luck / fuck / they took the cave when I couldn’t pay / now I’m headin’ for the capital / with all the other fictional radicals / to see what’s cooking and find something flammable

I’m Putin / smiling and putting the route in / to Google maps / scratching my scrote through my John Wayne chaps / while Surge the Purge Lavrov snaps / his antique Red Army braces / photoshopping our faces / onto famous people in famous places / saying Vladdy? / everybody’s favourite, Bond-style baddy? / are you ready? / C’mon! Let’s send tanks to spit some gravel / in a kick-ass convoy down the road less travelled

I’m running a temperature, taking stock / shivering quietly in the dock / I wouldn’t normally call but you’ve always been my rock / and it’s fast approaching midnight on my Elvis clock