It’s hand, foot & armageddon / burn the books and pass the weapon / party first and family second / destiny smiles, eternity beckons / we’ve got about a minute I reckon

Asking myself again – what IS this / dumped on the corner like a tree at Christmas / but I suppose that’s how it goes in show business / one minute baubles, the next scared shitless / life’s ridiculous / often ambiguous / an experience gift for a cannula at Dignitas

I’m caught red handed, in cahoots / on OnlyFans as Piss in Boots

I’m queuing at the local high street cleaners / back of a pack of bloody hyenas / I don’t know what they’re laughing at / the service here is not all that

I’m a werewolf in a salon chair / waving my clawsy paws in the air / howling fix this goddam hair / the moon’s nearly full and I’m having a mare / so they do me a perm / which is bouffant and firm / and I look like an influencer, sexy and stern / and I pay them with silver and make them squirm / the swivel chair straddle / my wolf teeth dazzle / then lyco-skedaddle / off to the beach for a doggy paddle

I’m screaming at the live-streamed crash / a plate on my lap of schnitzel and mash / the commentary’s crap! totally trash! / jabbing my fork and making a splash / on my Nazi shorts and oily thatch / my big cleft chin, my toothbrush moustache

I’m the Daily Mail with poisonous tropes / smiling as the hangman shows me the ropes

I’m dining on a sinking ship / paid for dessert so I’m finishing it

I’m facing death with Staff Nurse Moses / snapping his fingers for a hallelujah bolus

I’m captive after the revolution / a witness for the persecution / pleading with the jury for a fair conclusion / but they’re used to all my shameless shit / they laugh and talk and hawk and spit / I can tell from here they’re just not having it / shaking their heads when I ask to acquit / NO! screams the judge as she whacks her hammer / Off to the slammer! / fifteen to life for a feckless manner