Well! Hell! WHAT a lot to tell! I was outside picking daisies when dodgy uncle Hades showed up in his Mercedes we’re off to the underworld he said so effectively dead I said can’t we go to Skiathos instead? nope this time of year, no hope so he took me to the underworld one word? underwhelmed the decor? hardcore the lighting? frightening basically an underground storage facility for deadheads shuffling around unpredictably in various states of invisibility a bit like a Club Med holiday for the damned where none of the activities go as planned anyway – thanks for pulling that crop stunt, mum I can’t believe Hades would be so dumb my bags are packed, my passport valid I’ll be off when I’ve finished this pomegranate salad
Alex’ pizza palace is painted blue and white like the flag and if that wasn’t Greek enough he’s playing Zorba’s Dance on the PA He shows us to a table overlooking the sea welcome my friends you are all welcome thank you the sun will be behind us in a few minutes so you will be okay What can I get you to drink? Parakalo
There’s a swimmer in the sea pulling a fluorescent orange tow float he moves further out diving now and again What’s he doing? I don’t know looking at things
There are kid’s drawings of Alex behind the bar a comedy chef in a big chef’s hat arms out straight right and left in another picture he’s just a huge pizza with legs and a face
Are you from UK? he says, offloading a tray of drinks we tell him from where I ask if he was born on Corfu He says Yes Fifty seven years ago we were poor no electricity till 70s but we were happy running around playing games one television in whole of village for football matches and serials we watch together that’s it when I was seventeen I work on cruise ships Americans, big tips very nice times save a lot of money see the world then I come back and open bar now I have this place since 2008 things change now I get your pizzas parakalo thank you very much I hope you have nice holidays
the sun slips behind the building the sea darkens
I sip my drink watch as the swimmer moves slowly out of sight rounding the headland the last thing to go his fluorescent orange tow float
it’s not that you never see ghostly faces nodding to you over piles of melons in Walmart or other fruity places their mournful expressions making you blanch quickening your heart till you rush from that branch with an empty cart
and it’s not that you never smell them there in quiet, soulless shoe stores idly waving their feet in the air smiling as you wander in through the doors making you stop and say yikes and hurry past the shop without any Nikes
or ever see them yawn and flip through the medical practice magazines while you patiently sit and wait for your scrip for next week’s benzodiazepines making you squawk and sprint from the surgery unable to talk about your emergency
no
ironically for creatures of low to no gravity they gravitate to much older joints with cellars, attics and other cliche spooky points which is absolutely 100% fine by me obviously because (theoretically) much as I think a ghost might be fun I’d end up never getting anything done
Dear Penelope it’s me Odysseus sorry it’s been hideous the Trojan war was a bore but we won it with a big toy horse stuffed with soldiers first of course the Trojans had mixed emotions wheeled it through the gate heard the giggling but it was too late and that was that so now I’m done and heading back it shouldn’t take long to get to Ithaca a beautiful southerly is filling the spinnaker can’t wait to see both you and the kid and tell you all the things I did (although ‘sacked Troy, came home’ hardly makes for an epic poem)
[1] How beautiful are thy paws with claws, O prince’s lurcher! The joints of thy thighs are supersized, the work of the hands of a prize-winning special effects artist. [2] Thy belly is protuberant as a goblin’s, which wanteth not for scratching; thy underbits are like an heap of treats set about with squeakers [3] Thy breath is like a road to nowhere [4] Thy neck is as a worn beach towel derisory; thine eyes strictly wishful and advisory; thy nose has the power of Lucifer, and ever looketh toward dinner [5] Thine head upon thee is like a camel, and the hair of thine head like a flannel; nothing much is held in the galleries of thine brain, as we oft are driven sorrowfully to explain [6] Howl fair and howl unpleasant dost thou, O lord, for the love of God make it stop [7] This thy stature is like to a rickety clothes horse, and thy vapours to clusters of apes [8] I said, I will go over the park with thee, I will take hold of the lead thereof: now also from my pockets extract numberless treats, and you shalt take thy fill, and I shalt feed them to thee, bravely, like pine logs through a sawmill [9] And the roof of thy mouth liketh to whine for thy beloved spot on the sofa, that goeth oft to thy rival Lola, causing the lips of he who hast been too slow again to speak, in fulsome irritation [10] I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me (or any that doth have access to cheese) [11] Come, my beloved! Let us go forth into the field; let us dodge the horses [12] Let us get up early to the backyard; let us see if the vine flourish, whether the tender grape appear, and the pomegranates bud forth; failing that, we’ll just go for a walk [13] Man dogs do give a smell, so our place has all manner of boujee diffusers, new and dried out, which we have laid out for thee. So do your worst, O my beloved.
it’s more than just a ship it’s more than a hotel it’s more than just a trip with stunning personnel it’s a entire world on the water a lifetime in a week out through the Straits of Gibraltar to somewhere hot and Greek every night it’s Vegas every menu France your luxury berth high status our pharmacies advanced soak up all the famous views lose yourself in souks wander off in ones and twos or organised groups the experience is SO blessed EVERYBODY’S doing it so I hope you don’t mind if I humbly suggest you don’t show up and ruin it
life’s a squeeze a temporal sneeze between one infinity and the next which sounds complex but it’s not it’s just the universe is all we’ve got and doesn’t much care whether we’re there to talk about it or not
the whole thing’s over before it starts so try not to take it to heart like twitchy cowboys shooting in the dark c’mon – they’re cacti, guys this shit shouldn’t be a surprise in a semi-arid environment why’d ya have to be so violent?
my point is the joint is what you might call temporary consciousness complimentary all we ever really have is THE NOW which unfortunately just went but I’m sure another is imminent
we went away on holiday got lost driving up a mountain passed some old men sitting by a fountain they stared at us as we went past and were still there staring when we went down again at last
what were they talking about between bouts of ascent and descent? the corrupt government? why bees buzz? what the prostate actually DOES? who knows but what it SHOWS it’s that life’s just a cup of strong Greek coffee between two infinite periods of unconsciousness and if THAT’S not worth the cost of the car hire I don’t know what is
a storm was coming rumbling in over the mountains so after we shut the shutters I told the others I was going for a wander despite the thunder to score a few atmospheric shots moody stuff in out-of-the-way spots flashes of light on rocks a torn poster, an abandoned shack sleeping cats, stuff like that rain drenching an olive grove I asked but ended going alone
there’s one road into the town traffic going up, traffic going down certainly no-one else on foot all the drivers very put out that I was there, on the verge, making them beep and swerve the quad bikes, scooters, taxis, trucks buses and tourist coaches (deluxe) everyone giving me dirty looks as the wind picked up and the dust kicked up a middle-aged tourist wandering off track a girl on a moped laughed and looked back
I came across a roadside shrine rusted, made of iron a cross on top the glass all spotted and dirtied up everything neglected inside a battery candle on its side to be honest – a bit of a mess except for an icon of Jesus, the eyes still visible, looking surprised that so much time had passed them by so I took out my camera to take a picture because it really felt like an act of faith to stop and look in such a place
jim clayton 