4 new nursery rhymes

June 24, 2022 ~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

I.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
Phone in a grip
mic on a clip
artistically angling his smiling head
hashtag AnthropomorphicEgg

II.
Twinkle, twinkle Influencer
How I wonder what you are
Stats up in the stratosphere
Looking perfect from down here
Twinkle, twinkle Influencer
Can I be your follower?

III.
Ring-a ring-a covid
Conspiracists oppose it
A-tishoo!
A-tishoo!
They pass it round

IV.
Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed to see such fun
And the dish rolled another joint on the sofa

wild orchestras

June 23, 2022 ~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

(to be read in the voice of David Attenborough…)

It is summer
and another
great movement stirs
in the great Symphonic Sea

shoals of concert pianos
glide impressively through the shallows
lids raised
in courtly displays
they filter feed on crotchets and quavers
our cameras capturing their grand behaviours

squabbling overhead
great clouds of oboes and clarinets
noisily compete
for all the notes the pianos cannot eat

at the same time, down on the ocean floor
a thousand piccolos, maybe more
pipe and trill and grab
at all the passing minims to be had
stirred by stave after crashing stave
enriched with the musical nutrients they crave

meanwhile, following the score
on the smoothly running shore
flocks of marimba and chimes
ripple and settle in regular lines
as a giant tuba rolls in the surf
recently having given birth
to a litter of playful flugelhorns
tumbling chaotically in swarms
in the waves of noise the breakers form
while basking on a rock
an elegantly strung flock
of tall Irish harps
patiently net the flats and sharps
the briskly conducted ocean convection
whirls through the air in their direction

the big bang for dummies

June 22, 2022 ~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

The universe
wasn’t the first
thing ever to exist
no – top of that list
was a Big Fat Nothing
then a Weird Kind of Buzzing
then a whole lot of instantaneous Pushing and Shoving
where all the atoms got spanked
and which, according to Planck,
instantly cranked
this whole Crazy Mechanism into Existence
and Kept On Going with Singular Persistence
weather permitting
– a lot from a little from where I’m sitting

a hip hop mythology

June 20, 2022 ~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

I’m lost in the maze in my minotaur phase / a ball of twine and some God that says / Hey! / Theseus! / You’re lookin’ swag but this tag ‘ain’t the easiest / just do your best and don’t go to pieces / and don’t you get lazy / y’know that bovine cut n’shut’s crazy / all he wants is a burger and fries / where you’re the burger and the relish is your cries / when the minotaur squeezes you in its hoofs and sighs / and tries its lips round your buns for size / and the ketchup’s your blood / when it shivs you good / with one of the spikes it wears on his hood / understood? / but I’m sure it’s all gonna work out fine / now what did you do with the end of that twine…?

I’m the smallest goat of the goat brothers Gruff / whose field was okay but it wasn’t enough / got bored with the same old salad n’stuff / so we start acting tough / in strict size order / me the first to go over the border / why? I dunno / last in first out I suppose / it’s just the way that life and goats go / so I trot to the spot / where the best of the crossing’s good to be got / and start to go over but have to stop / because out jumps an old troll, heavy as a fridge / saying who’s that hip hop rapping on my bridge? / and we have a rap battle / and the bridge boards rattle / and the troll / takes a roll / and I drop the mic / so now we can come n’go as we like
s’what bein’ a Gruff’s all about
no doubt
peace out

the balance of stanley

June 20, 2022 ~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

Stanley
as far as I can see
doesn’t have a Plan B
in facts I don’t think plans
feature anywhere on Stan’s
agenda
and I couldn’t recommend a
sweeter way of proceeding
spiritually speaking
Stanley just IS
and anything UnStanley
is frankly none of his biz

take me, today, Monday
slumping down to breakfast, grumpily
shaking out a bowl of cheerios
sighing, putting on the radio
and the next thing I know….

…we need to prepare for a land war in Russia
… media moguls, political corruption
… billionaire boys’ clubs, international recession
…underfunded infrastructure, major disruption
… shrinking glaciers, dying seas
…catastrophic climate emergencies

I mean – please

it’s SUCH a distressing, doom-laden chorus
It puts me off oats in the shape of a torus
(sceptical about these definitions I read to ya?
go ahead and look ‘em up on Wikipedia)

too much info
can get you down, I know
especially if you’re naturally inclined
to psychically combine
bad news into the general feeling
you’re the joker in a pack another joker’s dealing

for balance I look to Stanley
sprawled on the floor behind me
happily gangly
paws over his eyes
and there he lies
and that’s it
and there’s nothing to be done or said about it

so what’s your point? you say
you want us to live like dogs today?
well – not exactly
I think you’re taking this too matter of factly
dogs are dogs, humans human
except on full moons I’m assumin’
but one thing shouldn’t be up for discussion
a lurcher never started a land war in Russia

a miscellany of tory dinosaurs

June 18, 2022 ~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

Borisaurus
Thick hide
nothing much inside
except poorly digested ratings
talks about great things
does nothing
too busy stuffing
itself with slogans and crap
one eye on the bank account one on the map
often in a flap
never around to take the rap
stomps and chomps
around the swamp
wears
its hair
in a tousled flop
for all the world like a comedy prop
okay stop
it’s too depressing
at this point a meteor would be quite refreshing

Reesmoggaladon
Unfeasibly tall
no discernible heart at all
the haughtiest of the sauropods
still around despite the odds

Pritipateliraptor
The opposite of delightful
its sharp teeth frightful
carnivorous to the point of spiteful
in summary: brutal
resistance is futile
(at least – that’s what it WANTS you to think
dropping its g’s and dressing in pink
but actually
it’s factually
wide of the mark
the laughing stock of Jurassic Park)

window dressing

June 17, 2022 ~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

I kinda got used to seeing it
a scene in a cottage window in the village as I was leaving it
every day
in the morning about 7 o’clock I’d say
an annoying toy display
Buzz Lightyear, Woody and T-Rex
arranged in the window for hilarious effect
a cute tableaux
hanging upside down by their toes
or swinging from mistletoe
at Christmas
for instance
chicks at Easter, that kinda business
Buzz wearing Woody’s hat
T-Rex apparently mad for that
the three of ‘em swinging in a precarious line
from the white pull cord of the window blind
and so on
and on
and on

I mean – you wouldn’t think there was THAT much to go on
but the window dresser went at it with brio
rearranging their Pixar trio
every day a different show
of frozen poses in a village window
but I dunno

you see – the more
I swore
to ignore it
the more
I saw
I couldn’t avoid it
I was compelled to look
morbidly hooked
drawn to see what new liberties they took

it’s odd how all these traditions start
one day you’re balancing toys for a laugh
the next you’re obliged ad nauseam
to manipulate dolls for applauseam

and so it went on for a couple of years
until the Pixar troupe disappeared
replaced by a massive, expressionless bear
that filled the window with its constipated stare

it was quite a blow to see it
I couldn’t believe it
they must’ve suffered psychic trauma
to suddenly turn to THAT performer

but the next day even the bear was scrapped
the window covered in frosty wrap

I don’t know what this says about performance
it’s probably not of any importance
puppets come, puppets go
commuters too and I should know

status update XXIII

June 14, 2022 ~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

Click your heels three times my Priti / fly with your monkeys to the Emerald City / where the yellow road’s turned all brown and shitty / where Boris is the Wizard and his little dog’s Toto / and the cliff’s gleam white somewhere over the rainbow / where John Bull splits his Union Jack pants / and Britannia’s broke and forced to dance / for clubs and cabals of junk bond investors / CEOs and company directors / whacked out on coke and artisanal gin / laughing and stuffing fifties in her string

Hello! / you join us at the bougie home / of the right dishonourable Priti Patel don’t you know / minister of spin and propaganda / sipping ice tea on her lovely veranda / waving at the planes flying out to Rwanda / Hi – it’s LOVELY to see ya / and if you’re fleeing persecution I wouldn’t wanna be ya / let me give you some usable quotes / migrants means compliance and boats mean votes / you must always use the correct form if you can get one / and use the right channel and I don’t mean the wet one / but golly – listen to me pretty prattle / here’s my sabre – let’s give it a rattle

long stay parking

June 13, 2022 ~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

be not mine enemy
but prithee bury me
in an NCP
car park

by thy grace
let me take a space
on the top floor
nearest the door

carefully reverse park
my beautiful casket
woven like a cadillac-shaped basket
chrysanthemums & lilies in the boot
a steering wheel of lavender to toot
bouquets of roses for indicator lights
fragrant circles of orange and white

no need to display
any ticket today
ANPR is pretty fast
they know automatically who’s passed

but if thou shalt require some extra fee
for overstaying one minute of eternity
I prithee – do not wake my dreamless sleep
just dump me on the shopping concourse, level 3