one day I’ll make a dog translator
so the next time stanley howls
whines and scowls
hoots like a barnful of rowdy owls
gives a grumpy harrumph with his jowls
I’ll see what he’s saying in consonants and vowels
all printed out on a piece of paper
I put the Frank in Stein, the Mork in Mindy / I’m Jacob Rees-Mogg with a kid up the chimney / I’m a flat-pack character, a no-good hack / a messiah for hire and coming back / with a clockwork cock and a brain to match / two left feet & rainbow thatch / so get on the blower and call dispatch / it’s your lucky day, people – I’m unattached
I’m habeas coruptus / government interruptus / many more suckers than you’d see on an octopus / but it shouldn’t be a shock to us / the cost to us / it’s nothing personal just profit & loss to us / heads I win tails you lose / turn the other cheek and take the bruise / make your bed or make your move / there’s nothing left for you to prove / be like Madonna, get into the groove
They say there’s one born every minute / promised the earth but the sky’s the limit / even if you don’t question what’s in it / you’re complicit / who cares how sweetly you timed the visit / If I die before I wake / I pray the lord to send tornadoes and earthquakes / the howling spirits of underworld namesakes / battalions of bugs roughly my birth weight / a couple of discount plagues would be great / okay? / hey? / whaddya say? / if you could get back to me some time today / sooooo / I suppose what I really want you to know / is I’m not some putz you can just let go
And lo! The terrible lightning flashes! / and the phoenix screams and rises from the ashes / but instantly flips and spectacularly crashes / well – we are where we are / another scorched hen propping up the bar / hell – I coulda been a contender / I just needed luck and some better weather / an arse-load of slightly less flammable feathers
So we break the glass and grease the locks / drag another puppet outta the box / Robin in a hoodie, a wolf in socks / Coma Beauty, Puss in crocs / a text just arrived from Goldilocks / diagnosed with Stockholm syndrome / forcibly sprung from the magic kingdom / a fairytale intervention / but now she says she misses the bears / on witness protection in wigs n’flares / sitting alone at the top of the stairs
I’m sorry – I had a bad dose of The Clowns / the virus gone viral and doing the rounds / I came out in squeaks and my pants fell down / vomited confetti / all over the settee / my smile red n’wild and my wigged brains heady / till I swapped my horn for a sharp machete / woke up with lions on the Serengeti
but enough about me – how are YOU?
mum liked to go to hunstanton
a day out by the sea
she’d go for a walk on the wide, wet sands
then head to a cafe for tea
once she saw a whale there
stranded when the tide went out
people dug teeth for souvenirs
took selfies by the snout
she didn’t like to see it, poor thing
it looked so lost on the beach
something so private and alien
suddenly in reach
but everything dies: whales, mums
it’s just the way things go
everyone tries to take life as it comes
and stay buoyant I suppose
it’s funny how these memories fall
what shadows move beneath
wide, wet sands of nothing at all
a stranded whale on a beach
I like to do things MY own sweet way
when it comes to trash I’m not trustin’
(fight scene in an alleyway;
kung fu with a dustbin)
I can see you fellas are itchin’
but lunch won’t take a minute
(fight scene in a kitchen;
kung fu with a skillet)
Head Keeper? Well sir – how d’ya do!
you look the real patootie
(fight scene in the city zoo;
kung fu with an agouti)
Okay, fellas! Let me try to explain
I’ll go slow to make it easy
(fight scene on a commuter train;
kung fu with parcheesi)
Tell your boss McQuaide said no
but just to make things simple
(fight scene at a historical fashion show;
kung fu with a wimple)
when I was maybe five or six
I was all fixed
to make a speech
to some visiting puppeteers who each
were supposed to get
a fancy pencil in a presentation set
as a way of letting them know
how grateful we were for their marionette show
so
I sat in the audience, ready to go
‘Thank you for coming to our school
we enjoyed the show and we hope that you’ll…’
and so on
trouble was I didn’t know when to go on
the show opened
with a skeleton
playing xylophone
on its ribs
I sat there anxiously playing with the nibs
the skeleton was cute!
played its arm like a flute!
a leg bone like a cornet!
the whole school adored it!
unfortunately I ignored it
too busy going over my lines
under my breath a hundred times
and then suddenly it was done
the skeleton was gone
and even though it was barely a minute
still I jumped up to thank them for the visit
the curtains shot up again; the show carried on
I was grabbed by the shirt and I sat back down
the moral of this story?
relax! don’t worry!
focus on the essentials
skeletons not pencils
asset / liability
crisis / opportunity
that’s the way the money goes
the natural order I propose
cycling up, cycling down
take your horse
on the merry-go-round
cry of course
when the ride defaults
in the rigged economy waltz
who knows what they’re really worth
productivity and growth
we need more prosperity
you need more austerity
we’re born to ride, you’re born to crank
the machinery
of our corporate banks
all nice n’clean
for the family vaults
the rigged economy waltz
the more you got the less you sweat
credit easier to get
principal plus interest
nice collateral, we’re impressed
deleveraging, c’est la vie
workers dumped
what’s that to me
it’s growth and slumps
read the reports
in the rigged economy waltz
so…
there I am
driving to a health spa in the village of the damned
fork and cloak packed, weekend planned
oodles of beautiful time on my hands
but when I get there the car park’s rammed
absolutely jammed
all hell broke loose and getting tanned
now
you must understand
what I did next wasn’t exactly on-brand
but there’s a level of access I demand
and when I don’t get it I’m quite unmanned
so…
I conjured forth great tornadoes of sand
earthquakes shivered at my command
till the little fiends fled from that boutique land
and I strolled up to the counter to claim my wristband
the whole thing was really quite a trauma
but I cooled off nicely in the sauna
(with apologies to the Dr)
it’s growth, growth and growth
in truss we trust and plight our trowth
if you’re feeling despairing
that’s you and me bowth
but it’s growth, growth and growth
so it’s growth, growth and … wait a sec … GROWTH!
let’s see who can say it and smile the mowtht
if you’re looking for exits
post Brexit they’re towtht
but still… growth, growth and growth
yes it’s growth, growth and … GENERAL ELECTION!
just kidding… it’s GROWTH!
economists are laughing but whad’they knowth?
labour’s just militants,
wokes and slowths
we want growth, growth and growth
(serious face / long pause)
we need to reform the supply side / because it’s not how you SLICE the pie / it’s how you GROW it / and before you know it / TRUST! / we’ll all be standing on the golden CRUST / of a steaming, STEAK & KIDNEY pie sized kingdom / with the kidneys you sold for a little extra income / We need deregulation, not Moral Jiggery Pokery! / To hell with climate change and all that wokery!
(big smile / long silence / then she starts beating the podium again)
so sing with me …. growth, growth, growth and GROWTH
when peasants are rioting it’s disquieting I suppowth
but the police
are sweet
and Liz Truss them the mowtht
as we march to the growth, growth, GROWTH!
(big smile / long silence / interrupted by an earthquake)
FRACK!
