dad came back (again)

I woke from dreams that were dark and troubled / the glass of water on the bedside table bubbled / the ceiling buckled / there was a roaring of resonant cursing & swearing / the sound of the spacetime continuum tearing / then dad dropped through in a ghastly heap / and struggled back up on his bony feet

Alright Jim? he said with fake insouciance
sorry to be such a ghostly nuisance
but these poems about me are highly dubious

Sorry Dad I said. Well, I do my best
I’m grateful for the feelings you’ve expressed
I was only exploring ideas of inheritance
I can leave you out if that’s your preference

He adjusted his shroud and scratched his pate
his ribs and hips in a terrible state
but twenty years’ buried and you never look great

Wait, he said. I don’t want to sound mean
I just don’t get this whole poetry scene
in fact any kinda writing I’ve never been keen

That’s true, I said, and reading between the lines
you hated fiction but trusted The Times
you always thought literature a bit suspicious
and only read gardening books we got you at Christmas

Come on, though, Jim, he said, I did you a favour
when I took those poems you wrote as a teenager
and got them typed up by a colleague or whatever

Yes! I said. I remember! It’s all coming back
I’d written a collection about insects and that
‘miniature dinosaurs of a macabre imagination’
or some such bullshit gothic creation

Dad suddenly looked a little bit guilty
he said (unironically) please don’t kill me
but I did it to impress a temp called Julie

I don’t mind, I said, I was thrilled all the same
to have something finished and bound in my name
I’ve been chasing that particular dream ever since
it’s just the publishers I’ve got to convince

Anyway, said Dad, rising to go
I just thought I’d drop by and let you know
you should give all those ghost dad poems the elbow

I’m not promising anything, Dad, I said
as he hovered prophetically over the bed
Fathers and sons are fertile topics
and ghosts are fun, so screw the optics

what I think happened to the chilli, possibly

I sent you a linocut of a chilli
as a swap for that really
cool cat you drew playing the banjo
I posted a photo
of it online
but as time
passed
it was increasingly awkward to ask
whether you’d finally got mine
and you liked the design
or you didn’t
but you thought it was proficient
and funny enough
to satisfy the trade and all that stuff

I’m sure there’s a simple explanation
for the lack of any kinda communication

I mean – America
is about a
million miles or so
for a half-arsed linocut chilli to go
and lots can happen to it en route
like the letter flies out the boot
of the cargo plane when it stops
and the mailsack drops
and the wind snatches this particular item
and scatters it round the local environ
where it snags in the fence at the airport perimeter
and gets picked up by a plane spotting visitor
who hopes there’ll be some money inside
and excitedly slides
a finger along the top
and when he finds there’s not
curses his continuing bad luck
and chucks
my chilli
in the general direction of New York city
sneers, says cocksuckers
then carries on surveying the planes with his binoculars

mum’s handyman

mum’s handyman stopped to lean on his mower
and watch as I pulled up to park the motor

two dark and perfect semi circles of sweat
hung like cartoon breasts on his nike vest

I’m not in the way am I, I said
he narrowed his eyes and shook his head

nice day for it I said, nice n’hot
he blew out his cheeks and said no it’s not

watched me as closely as a serial killer
as I got out my knock-off Colin the Caterpillar

some white and red flowers, five pound the pair
from the closest Morrisons to mum’s house there

I’m her son I said, so how’s it going?
I thought as much he said and carried on mowing

professor pat pending

we’re caught in a traffic jam north of the bridge
we can’t budge
my feet are aching riding the clutch
the rush
hour traffic
tragically and almost completely static
god I wish this car was an automatic
or something even more fantastic
where I could fold in the wheels and sprout wings
and flap away over everything
shouting later losers as I clear the estuary
instead of stuck here till sometime next February

how Stanley howls

how Stanley howls
and growls
with a vexing mix of vocal vowels
and frowns, and scowls
till your patience is broken and your sympathy aroused
and you ask him what all the fuss is for
and you go over there and muss his fur
and he rolls on his back like a fuss connoisseur
all four paws in the air
and you despair
and with one last ruffle you leave him there
and he sneezes and stares
and watches you sit back down in your chair
waits a couple of minutes and then
the whole damned performance starts over again

pass the conch

A sudden squawking & squeaking / testing! testing! this is your unconscious shrieking / everybody pointing and freaking / my junk trunked and my nightmares leaking / but hey – maybe with a little tweaking / it won’t be so bad aesthetically speaking

St Francis of Assisi, mano a mano / smiling serenely, covered in guano

Dora the Explorer’s sectioned sister Cora / losing her shit, her shoes & her fedora / scoring on the lawn with the local flora / trying to forget the earlier trauma / an outbreak of scabies at the local sauna

Coming over all tardigrades

Singing ‘Nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina…’ / slipping & sliding with the screaming diners / in the gilded saloon on the sinking liner

A spaceship lands for a flying visit / the crew some louche and lovely lizards / with comfy space slippers on their scaly flippers / but the waiting cops have got their fingers on their triggers / slam the ambassadors beak over gizzards / clip them with zip loc ties on their snippers / bust them downtown for the judge to consider

Later the cops munch fistfuls of fries / ‘He looked at me funny with his millions of eyes’

Meanwhile, a transparent brain / blows down the road like a tumbleweed, all the way there and back again

Hey Jack! The ogre’s throwing a party tonight / and he said for me to slip you an invite / dress to fright / tell your uber top of the beanstalk, turn right / we’ll be fee-fi-fo-fummming all through the night / his goose is a nuisance but his harp’s a delight / alright? / you seem quiet…

I wandered lonely as a cloud / before I was told it wasn’t allowed

I’m writing to the writer of The Fast and the Furious / pitching a prequel The Slow and the Curious

I go glamping and end up being galumped

I get fifteen years for arbitrary language

Mr Spock / shocks the flock with his glock / the mean demeanour of a gnu in crocks

And the lion shall lie down with the lamb / on a pay-per-view zoo cam

I’m a dab hand with a dab but I flounder with a flounder / I take a guilty bite of a quarter pounder / and I struggle to remember / remember remember the fifth of december / or something, whatever / trying to be clever / looking outside and reading the weather

Anyway – hurry up and pass the conch / I’ve found a fork & I’m ready for lunch

modern version

many years ago
riding our shining ambulance
we found ourselves called
to a hoarder’s house
the front door was bolted
so we went round the back
fighting through coils of brambles
so full and thick
it was like trying to breach
an enchantment of barbed wire

eventually we found her
not sleeping but dead
hanging off a perching stool
a bucket on her head

as far as resuscitations went
it didn’t
a complete non-starter
we snapped off our gloves
in the spiky arbour

poor sleeping beauty
a little older than I remember

and the moral
to this horror?
I don’t know
enchantments come and go
brambles, princesses
uniformed witnesses
the best you can do is stay awake
and time how long an ambulance takes