This is an allegorical parable / but nothing TOO politically scatalogical, scary or horrible / so don’t worry / you won’t have to say sorry / run out in a hurry / hands over your ears, eyes all blurry / no – this is easier on the nerves than that / this is a story about a magician’s cat

There was this magician called Boris / superficially magicianly but a bit of a novice / who used to crash about the place / his spells a disgrace / comical flying goggles strapped to his face / cackling in a cliche witchy way / as he gabbled and grappled with the problems of the day / riding a long & expensive-looking broom / he kept propped up in the corner of his room / with a woven willow pillion on the back / for a little black tom / called Dom

Dom was cool & collected / sharp & connected / gave whispery, whiskery advice / had a good head for heights / jumped without warning & never looked twice / knew a lot about mice / but wasn’t obsessed / was wary of dogs but not so you’d guess / his photo often in the local press / I mean – in all feline respects he was blessed / and the thing he loved best / was any kind of magical test

One night an ogre approached the village / waving its fists, threatening pillage / chucking cows, cars, silage / getting plenty of mileage / from the usual ogreish antics / and cliche monster movie theatrics / it was all looking pretty tragic / until the mayor went to Boris to plead for some magic

No problemo / Major-Domo! / he blustered / but looked a little flustered / as he reluctantly snatched up his broom / flew out of the room / straight at the beast / to a holding altitude of three ogres at least / then laughed as its terrible rage increased / swiping as he circled out of reach / and everything seemed set to continue like that / till he banked too hard and lost the cat / which the ogre caught smartly in its upturned hat

‘Stop right now or the kitten gets it’ / the ogre said – and meant it / he had a mean reputation and was happy to augment it / you name the moral code – he’d bent it / if there was ever any forgiveness in his heart he’d spent it / a long time ago / I don’t know / these things domino / but whatever the deep psychological reason / for the ogre’s endless, friendless season / of monstrous malfeasance / long story short – he was nursing a grievance / so heinous it ranked as his greatest achievement / and he kept the villagers permanently scared / with a series of moves he’d pre-prepared / and some he thought of on the spot / depending on how much time he’d got

But Dom was a resourceful cat / he leaped out of the ogre’s hat / scooted round his back / up onto his shoulder / gripped him by his spike-studded collar / and shouted deep in his hairy ear / I can see you’re cross but there’s nothing to fear / we’re all friends here / you don’t need to be quite so severe / WHAT? – the ogre bellowed / but something about him crumpled & mellowed / he suddenly seemed a more vulnerable fellow / C’mon said Dom, let’s sit and talk / or talk and walk / your choice / just lose the club and lower the voice / we can talk about your childhood, or not – whatever / I just want to get to know you better

So Dom & the ogre walked out on the moors / with Dom on his back waving his paws / and the villagers came out and broke into applause / and Boris landed in the square / and shook hands with the mayor / and everyone there / and they danced and sang till the moon came out / and it was a very good night without a doubt

At last by dawn the cat came back / wandering innocently down the track / and hopped up on the fountain steps / where he licked his paws & yawned & stretched / then looked out over the expectant people / as the bells rang out from the village steeple

You need not fear the ogre again / I’ve ended the creature’s terrible reign / he wants you to know he’s not your enemy / he only needed a little therapy

That’s magic! Boris said / leaning down to pat his head / And now I think we’ve earned our bed / so they both hopped on to the waiting broom / and zoomed away in a billowing plume / of dust / over the hushed / but adoring villagers / who were such rapt & distracted listeners / they didn’t see the ogre creeping back / to launch another surprise attack / that he’d pre-arranged with the sneaky cat / in return for a crooked kick-back

(And the moral of this lamentable chronicle? / ogre’s are bogus and diabolical / cats are sneaky it’s a natural fact / they’ll take your strokes then leave you flat / and last but not least / fight your own beasts / it’s no use going to the local magician / he’ll say and do anything to keep his position).