Author: jim clayton

an undercover clown in circus town

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

there’s an undercover clown in circus town
the ringmaster snarls, they gather round
the high wire hustlers
the chainsaw jugglers
the pony riders, the white dove smugglers

an undercover clown in circus town
they’ve heard the rumours flying round
bar to bar like acrobats
giving everyone heart attacks
the girl with the knives, the guy with the axe

an undercover clown in circus town
ready to tear the big top down
but wait for the signal, everything’s ready
he’ll run in the ring looking crazy and sweaty
and THAT’S when we’ll spill his goddamn confetti

status update XXXIII

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

I’m a bat in a graveyard, a rat in spats / I’m tense and nervous and I can’t relax / I’m Suella Braverman in the Conservatory with The Axe / flak jacket and rucksack / boat quotes and kickbacks / and more and more I’m drifting off track / lost in despair & alternative facts / feeling the rope go dangerously slack

I’m driven to distraction, riven by cramps / I’m Rishi Sunak and the Practice Amps / I’m Charlie Three with a book of stamps / I’m the lamps going out all over Europe / interest rates soaring up / survivalists storing up / society needs shoring up / but wait a minute – stop / it’s okay / I’m sure America will lead the way / Democrats kicking Republican butt / as Trump goes feral and limbers up / for one last run at the White House Cup

I’m a butcher bashing through bone and gristle / with a teary eye and a cheery whistle / sausage rolls and nuclear missiles / saying okay I think this’ll do / now is there anything else I can get for you? / something warm to roast the rowdies? / planes and drones for our friends the saudis? / I like to keep my customers happy / (show me complaints, I show you the alley)

I’m Elon Musk and the Dead Sea Trolls / I’m democracy with parental controls / The Rapture with sliders and parasols / a TikTok Putin with barbie dolls / that’s so droll / now shut your mouth and pass your bowl / sprechen sie deutsch? hablas español?

I’m a puppet on prozac, a PM on sticks / I’m a glue for crosses called Crucifix / I’m a total numpty, a clown, an eclipse / I’m David Blane on a train without tricks

I’m a paparazzi mosquito / I’m Nicholas Cage in leopard print speedos / reel after reel of egos in tuxedos / who knows / it’s how it goes / everyone looking for a prince, I suppose / increasingly desperate to find n’kiss / any frog who’d be happy with this

I’m a gimp in a hard hat, a puss in boots / I’m the Met police with a bunch of recruits / who know when to taser, when to salute / who to wave through, who to shoot / who to chat to, who to mute
photo sharing
grievance airing
joke comparing
long hard staring
sizing you up for ankle tag wearing

I’m all the glory, none of the pain
I’m available for after dinner speeches again

another wet one

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

poor stanley
reluctant to go out, understandably
staring at me behaving randomly
dressed like a gore tex survivalist’s fantasy
waving a snorkel, grimacing manfully

(just to explain:
it’s absolutely pouring with rain
at levels Niagara couldn’t sustain
the street a uniquely aquatic domain
Noah on the blower shouting God – not AGAIN!)

so of course – we get wet
wetter than wet
absolutely the wettest yet
if anyone’s been wetter I haven’t met ‘em
and if they say they’ve been wetter well go ahead let ‘em
I’ll tip my dripping hat and forget ‘em

Stanley soaks it up like the finest of sponges
loses a gallon whenever he lunges

I say hello to the people we pass
a floundering flounder, sniffing the seagrass
a dogfish, pollack, mackerel and huss
waiting in line for a number nine bus
which pulls up, driven by an octopus

it’s a very, VERY short walk of course
the shortest walk ever by all reports
we strip in the kitchen down to our shorts
and as I towel him off I can read his thoughts:
What d’ya think I am, a goddamn seahorse?

urinals are forever

~ jim clayton ~ 2 Comments

James Bond in a care home / catheter emptied, hair combed / ready to roll but the mission’s postponed / indefinitely / hello there Jimmy! / how d’ya like your tea, my lovely? / no – don’t tell me / shaken not stirred, sweetie / what d’ya mean, too milky? / oh please! / someone’s a double O tease / c’mon and gimme ol’ Moneypenny a squeeze

Stares at the film but the theme song’s wrong / volcano blown and Blofeld gone / white cat flat, monocle bent / cold grey lava clogging the vent / and poor old Goldfinger / fortune gone, health through the wringer / hauled out of bed in a blingy slinger / pistol mimes with his index finger

heard about Le Chiffre? / threw in his hand and lost his teefre / gives the carers no end of grieffre

and Scaramanga / disinhibited, problems with anger / crashes his smoking Bentley banger / into an oak tree back of the manor / three times a tit / the doctors can’t seem to do anything about it

Raoul Silva / sits all day watching Bob the Builder / slyly smiles when the postman delivers / waves through the window but inwardly shivers

Hugo Drax / shovelling benzos, confusing his facts / absolutely cannot relax / till he’s sorted the planet and his income tax

Oddjob sobs / can’t work the knobs / on remote controls or kitchen hobs / sits all day on the rocker and bobs / his bowler hat throbs / till he swallows some caps and the trembling stops

Rosa Klebb / trips on a step / now she’s held a captive in bed / her feet in casts and a bandage on her head

Max Zorin / keeps on fallin / pushing his emergency button and callin / his family all in / can’t put any more support in

Jaws yawns / stares out emptily across the lawns

Welcome to Dementia, Mr Bond
I like it already

8 great beard styles for bald men

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

The Colonel
Bags of snap
wear with a cap
makes you want to march about
definitely a beard you can do without

The Shovel
Sharp, flat, not much trouble
starch it for clearing snow and rubble

The Nonsense
Half stubble, half chaff
Some love it, most laugh
strictly for those
with expensive clothes

The Octopus
Tentacles flying left and right
a sucker lover’s deep delight
unless you’re able to constantly wet it
forget it

The Glitch
The kind of beard a bot would knit
from cable ties or some such shit

The Hadron Kaleidoscope
Weirdly hyperactive
unnaturally attractive
sprouts in one particular spot
then moves around an awful lot

The Brexit
British Empire reminiscent
looks like hair but sadly isn’t

The Pocket Politician
Long, luxurious hirsute monster
maintain it with a generous sponsor

Stanlenstein!

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

My terrifying experiment’s almost complete!
(Igor’s ignoring it but I think it’s neat)
I’ll fetch it out for you – Please – Take a seat…

The head I commissioned from a taxidermist
rather unorthodox, terribly earnest
basically a cow skull totally refurbished

The body I fashioned from a furry settee
one part yak, two parts yeti
the penis I wove from wholewheat spaghetti

The legs are basically kitchen mops
hinged at the knees with Grolsch bottle tops
goes along nicely but struggles when he stops

You may find the next bit scrotum tightening
as I activate the monster with a bolt of lightning
(not strictly necessary but I think it’s exciting)

Behold! I call him Stanlenstein!
My creature of infernal design!
No photos please, the copyright’s MINE…!

[I left the Doctor to caper in his cape
Stanlenstein smiling with a gawpous gape
as I hurried outside for a calming vape

I heard he entered the beast in Crufts
The Horrors Group or some such stuff
I could say more but that’s enough]

Happy Halloween 2022!

status update XXXII

~ jim clayton ~ 6 Comments

It’s the Season of Sorry, the Year of The Splat / the country in chains, the Cat in the Hat / dreaming of heating & stuff like that / while traders call waiters with finger snaps / for fat cigars and a round of schnapps / chin chin old boy for the cool collapse / stuffing their pockets with Scooby snacks / while politicians lube-up, ready to practise / on the people least able to bear the taxes / okay, relax – this won’t hurt / we’ll go nice n’slow as we lovingly convert / public services to public desert / and we do so thank you for your effort / yeah? been there, done that, got the t-shirt

I’m a pay rise in amber, a fossilised note / I’m a stand-in Lansbury on Murder She Wrote / the iceberg lettuce that sank the boat / eeny, meeny, minority vote / lock the gates and fill the moat / pack off your children somewhere remote / in God we trust but the rest we yoke / and greed thereto I plight thee my troth / fetch more butter ‘cos I think we’re toast

thought police don’t stop for lunch / a ham baton and a chocolate crunch / too busy being the worst of the bunch / ceaselessly waging their war on woke / cos truth’s in dispute and history’s broke / and not for the likes of you ordinary folk / certain words’ll make you choke / so stick to McFacts and Diet Coke / and try to sound a little more stoked / and whatever you do, don’t provoke us / hold that shit and stay focused / think of the positives / we’ll take care of where the profit is / (offshore accounts and safe depositories)

I’m a sarky old soak, a sneaky insider / a hot ghost laughing in the hadron collider / cackling we’re fifteen seconds from disaster / technicians sneering & saying who asked her

I’m too bright to look at, too rich to tax / handshakes, signatures, sealing wax / a corporate snort in a kevlar tux / putting on lippy on the lip of the vortex / but don’t freak out, don’t stress your cortex / take to the floor and I’ll show you some more steps / you can zumba with zombies, waltz with the dead / cha cha with changes and ballet with bread / we sympathise with how you’re feeling / now leave us alone for some insider dealing

I’m Wile E. Coyote running off the canyon / flapping his arms looking straight to camera

mars trip checklist

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

a big box of tree seedlings
notepads and pens for daily meetings
some delicious chewy things
like licorice and wine gums
five guns
okay maybe just one gun
okay then no guns
a bunch of badges with hilarious slogans
like Mars or Bust
Terraformers are Us
or maybe God’s Okay but in Hydrothermal Power Generation We Trust
a chess set
a Sopranos box set
some hazelnut noisette
a toothbrush, pick and floss set
something else important here I forget
a dog and cat
in pet-friendly hazmat
a Welcome to Mars doormat
a floppy, anti cosmic and ionising radiation sun hat
a book on how to build your own waterless laundromat
a book on what people really mean when they say they just want a chat
an exercise bike
t-shirts to hang on an exercise bike
a rubbish chute to dispose of an exercise bike
a resourceful and impossibly cute robot called Mike
who has backpacks and jet sleds to go on a hike
whose enthusiasm levels can sometimes spike
so he’s got a big mute switch you can throw if you like
a ukulele
a book of ukulele chords to practice daily
a rubbish chute to dispose of a smashed ukulele
a safe room for people to think about why certain things trigger them disproportionately
and to understand there’s no transport back to earth for at least five more years unfortunately
some cute flags for waving
some baby cream for chafing
66,770 gallons of liquid hydrogen
a bumper pack of vitamins
some LSD and Ketamine
MDMA and Amphetamines
Hey? What do you mean?
Of course I’m clean!
I’m joshin’ with ya Geraldine
but yes – okay – a drug testing machine
some potatoes
some shelters good for dust tornadoes
some postcards from Barbados
to stick up on the windows
with blurry family photos
and those trips you made with your bros
look at those beautiful, crazy ass mo-fos
back down on Earth doing amazing things I suppose
who knows
yo
Mars was here and someone had to go
Did anyone else volunteer? No
so
Who do we send? Jim
J.I.M
Just Jim
Jim and the Uke Duke, Tiny Tim
and his sister, General Geraldine
who send me instructions from behind a screen
but I know what they’re REALLY up to
which is why I’m playing a little game I like to call Oxygen Interrupto…

[…this is where the transmission stops;
we’ll tell you more when the rescue ship docks]