eulogy at the pyre

poor gaia’s
getting tired
of being hard-wired
to expire
like a cheap air fryer
by CEOs who aspire
to retire
on the slick, plump profits
from the pumps and sumps and oil deposits

I mean – sure – they could stop it
if the companies didn’t block it
with the politicians in their pocket
sucking up dollar while mother earth cops it
protecting profits
arresting prophets
(I mean – WHY do they have to be SO catastrophic?
pessimistic, unrealistic
they haven’t a clue about economics
and anyway who really GIVES a shit
about Professor Whatever and their doomy statistics?
the city and the country’s sick of it
why don’t they quit?
cut their hair and use some lipstick?
get a job and be done with it?
absolutely doolally, totally dipshit
just leave the climate to us – okay? – we’ll fix it)

so
no
it’s not the air con
that’s making the hairs on
my neck stand up
it’s the thought
we’ve been brought
to the precipice
by a lloyd’s list
of blue chip companies in our midst
CEOs, shareholders, hedge fund people
their sneaky ecocide above board and legal
annual reports somewhere north of lethal
compromised beyond retrieval
the world in upheaval
till we all end up lost to a life medieval
cooked by degrees
in the cinder breeze
while leafless trees
slowly break and collapse in heaps
fragile as – I don’t know – deep fried churros
while the bones of dogs n’cows n’burros
litter the pitiful city plains
end time survivors hiding out in drains
the end of the world at last complete
(and all for the sake of a balance sheet)

(don’t fear) the spiral

okay it’s final / like Tory chlamydia insidiously viral / a bullshit quote from a bullshit bible / thou shalt protect the economy from the wage-price spiral / I’m sorry my child it’s financial survival / your valiant economic compliance is vital / attempting parity will meet with denial

okay I get it / if you work in the public sector you’re a credit / except when it comes to money – forget it / if you get that percentage you’ll only regret it / it’s like mission impossible – if you choose to accept it / take endless wage cuts and get by on credit / inflation will kill us all if you let it

but how is the public sector to blame? / their wages have pretty much stayed the same / while prices everywhere took a big hike / it’s like putting the cart before the bike / (I said that for the rhyme – I meant ‘horse’) / where the horse is half-crazy on oats of course / and the cart’s overloaded with the rich / who can’t figure out why progress has glitched / and society’s tanking since the switch / and the horse is mad so they try to unhitch / and (hopefully) end up tipped in a ditch

years of austerity – who was most hit? / hmm let me think about that a bit / yep – congrats – I think you guessed it / billionaires made fortunes but didn’t invest it / and then the pandemic / corruption endemic / Tory incompetence truly anthemic / war in Ukraine / expensive campaigns / and oh how surprising it’s still the same / public workers take the strain / because corporations have their margins to maintain

so step outside and clap the carers / cute key workers and shit job bearers / hopeless, hapless blue glove wearers / we honestly applaud your brave endeavours / you really are such national treasures / just don’t ask for a living wage ‘cos it scares us

climate small change

city smog? forest flares?
no more fish or birds or bears?
I really can’t afford to care
with portfolios of stocks and shares

rising oceans? drowning islands?
scarcity and civil violence?
all I need’s a little silence
to itemise my gold and diamonds

floods and cyclones? fire and famine?
riot squads with water canons?
look – I’m awfully sorry it happens
collecting art’s my only passion

increasing climate instability?
global unsurvivability?
none of it really bothers me
in my underground facility

monster movie

a scary piece of shit
with teeth n’claws n’shit
mean as shit
runs in like shit
does a lot of really bad shit
ends up trading the shit
with a quippy hero shit
who’s certainly learned some shit
since he started this shit
and he sends the scary piece of shit
to hell and shit
and you think shit
that was some close shit
but oh shit
the scary piece of shit
unexpectedly jumps back in the shit
and it’s like oh shit
but the quippy hero shit
improvises some clever shit
and the scary piece of shit
gets smashed all to shit
and the quippy hero shit
wipes the gooey shit
from his shirt and shit
smirks and says shit
man – way to lose your shit
and you think shit
that scary piece of shit
is DEFINITELY coming back and doing shit
in a shit sequel
or an even shitter prequel
and you’re absolutely right about that

a history of the world in 12 objects

a rock
a crudely worked rock
a nicely worked rock
a spear
a finger painting of a deer with a spear in it
an antler painting of a figure with a spear in it
a god figure sitting on a rock eating a kebab
a golden book with lots of pictures of god in it
a crossbow with a face on it
a cannon with a cross on it
a muscular ship in the shape of a god with a giant golden cannon for a knob
a scorched rock

ol’ school germalism

it’s proper fleet street old school germalism
the cheeky, sneaky, cheque book jism
we liberally spritz
on the arse n’tits
of the supine body politic
yaaah
no doubt abaht it
read all abaht it
in your super rupert saw away sun
the ache in take and the fake in fun
from brexit bollox to winston johnson
tasty
nasty
proper paparazzi
daily mail to daily nazi
dumping on some left wing patsy
a wicked n’wanton
shitpile baron
living it large in the kingdom of the non-dom
from Dubai to Lon-don
accountability long-gone
gee I love it
take your ethics and shove it
you might have the grievance but we’ve got the budget
accept it my friend you’ll never touch it
you gotta learn to relax and say fuck it
hey – we didn’t make the system
business is the illness we’re just the symptom
listen
we hack the phones of murder victims
snowflake celebrities
wannabe nonentities
or they will be when we’re done
jointed in the tawdry, tory way sun
stitched up in a red top
trust me it won’t stop
till we’re cast like demons into the void
all our inky tentacles destroyed
when information
once again
acts for the nation
until then – suck on this circulation

lightning stan

by the feel of it we’re in for a storm
Stanley’s lying out on the lawn
I show him the lead; he shows me a yawn

same
this humid weather drives me insane
it feels like I’ve got a sponge for a brain

I say c’mon stan
reluctantly he stands
a petulant pet obeying commands

the walk’s a drag
a bit of a fag
air, bees, flowers – everything sags

I’m irritable, itchy
the horses by the gate look twitchy
everything, even the light feels glitchy

all at once a thump of thunder
gods in heaven bumper to bumper
(I’m way too hot to think of a metaphor)

a restless stirring in the air
talons of static everywhere
Stanley trots on, doesn’t care

I mean – sure he’s deaf
dodgy right eye, cataract left
but that’s the nose of a michelin chef

can’t he smell a storm a-comin?
can’t he taste the air a-thrummin’?
(why does he think we’re suddenly runnin’?)

agnes in the kitchen

a cast iron gate
leads to a square
between the fried chicken place
and Nails n’Hair

in the shadow of the city
crouched like a mouse
a ruined but pretty
old flint house

agnes in the kitchen
eyes like beads
on a wary pigeon
as we talk about needs

she mentions Clark
asleep upstairs
but gives a start
he’s been dead ten years

my sister, too
she says, bereft
what do you do
when it’s you that’s left

she shows me their history
Clark proposing
outside the registry
pouting, posing

black and white streets
fading witnesses
apartments in Greece
work-dos, Christmases

but that’s all stopped
she’s lost in the space
between a Nails n’Hair shop
and a fried chicken place

old gardening tips

preempt snags
and leggy drags
by planting your figs in gladstone bags

rhubarb’s best
in a mulchy nest
of dimestore pulp from the old wild west

train wisteria
against the exterior
with public warnings against hysteria

treat begonia
for petal pneumonia
by blasting all night with a rusty euphonia

stop your succulents
from growing truculent
with regular readings from sunday supplements

protect your peony
from bugs if you see any