poems

the grim reader

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

he appeared to me
on Sunday
THE GRIM READER!
just as I was trying to complete a
particularly ghastly thread
on Twitter as I lay in bed
shit I said
he shook his head
why? expecting someone else instead?
I shrugged
as I coyly tugged
the duvet to my chest
why – no, I guess…

he was wearing a cloak
wildly bespoke
the kinda thing you’d wear for a joke
just a big black sheet
lotsa bulging pockets and pleats
stuffed with photos, notes, receipts
sharp one liners, smart critiques
cartoons, gifs
gothic posters, manga strips
a million 3 minute video clips
of snakes v pigeons
an animated Charles Dickens
made of sinister vegetables
a spider in spectacles
a pulsing line of hatching cocoons
an old man eating prunes
for the first time
cooking with edamame
surviving a tsunami
a politician doorstepped
a mouse getting the floor swept
with a screaming flamingo
seventeen submarines firing in syncro
the explanation of a syndrome
a rusty ol’ Citroen
a flock of drones
in V formation flying home
and so on
and on
row upon row
of audiovisual overload

THE GRIM READER’S face
was an interesting case
of terminal distraction
the kinda face you might wanna caption:
LOL SAME
hashtag notinmyname
his eyes moving incessantly
worryingly independently
quite reptilian
like a chameleon
shifty & machiavellian
and his skin was sallow
the kinda fellow
you might wanna give vit D
and take away on holiday
to the mountains or the sea
so he could live a few weeks healthily

it’s time he said
but I’ve only just gone to bed
no he said
shaking his head
(he did that a lot;
the only expression of frustration he’d got)
IT’S TIME!
accompanied by the kinda mime
you REALLY don’t wanna see
at anytime, let alone half past three
in the morning
obvs a warning
I mean – GRIM by name, GRIM by nature
a superi-serious kinda player
no doubt a visit from the HAPPY reader
woulda been a whole other prospect
so anyway what’s next
I said
bravely sitting up in bed

he raised a bony digit
I put down my phone & started to fidget

COME WITH ME NOW! he boomed
and straightaway uploaded me outta the room
and that’s where I’m Tweeting from right this minute
but that’s what you get for doom scrolling, innit

pronged

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

I could see a guy with a border terrier
on the path that leads to the woods
as walkers go they looked superior
an ad from a site for survival goods

the dog had a swagger that made me doubt him
the man wore a khaki cap
like they both went in for venture scouting
knotting badges, stuff like that

the two of them strode ahead to Valhalla
in fluorescent harness & Gore Tex boots
and discretion being the better part of valour
me n’Stan took a different route

I quickly realised my mistake
the path led off into thickets
Stan trailed sulkily back in my wake
every dog has its limits

I felt like a prince in a fairy tale
a brave and dauntless searcher
with shorts instead of a suit of mail
and instead of a horse a lurcher

we fell out onto open ground
an unexpected area
and there were the two of them up on a mound
monument to man and terrier

we took the wrong turn I said and laughed
feeling a little rattled
ah yes he said the fork in the path
you took the prong less travelled

captain’s log

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

twelve years of tories and the country in shit
still there are people voting for it
which goes to prove if anything does
when push comes to shove
from the riot police
kettling the streets
keeping the peace
with a baton, a tazer and a pepper spray apiece
you can lead a horse to water
but if it won’t drink shoot it
just nature’s way
of saying reboot it

whaddya mean, that hurts?
it’s elementary captain kirk
you signed the contract, took the work
boldly going, etcetera, (jerk)
zero hours contract, phasers on stun
blasting just about everyone
whacked out on fancy mojitos
photon torpedoes
floating in a hot tub in star fleet speedos
yeah?
you think the klingons care?
they know your crew’s through and your ship needs repair
you’ll need more than shields
with the star fields
so comprehensively bought and warped
at the end of the day you’re basically just transport

security message

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

If you see something
that doesn’t look right
something that keeps you
awake at night
could be the face
of someone
who said hello
as if they know
you but you’re not sure
if they do or not
and if you did
you forgot
did they always have a beard
that hat
heavier and taller, perhaps
less certain about things
a laugh in an alleyway
a scrape of shoes
in the street at night
an unexpected headline
in a paper
you hate
the way you look at yourself
full frontal
in a quarter length mirror
the moon
frantic as a moth
at the bathroom window
well, then
please
text the british transfiguration police
see it
say it
sort of

international dog day

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

wave your paws in the air
like you don’t care
from the sofa to the park
to the top of the stairs
come stop and talk to us
clip on a lead and walk with us
or get down on the carpet
I’m ready to play jes’ start it
do hide the octopus, man, I heart it
octopus! octopus!
he’s one leg down get the doctopus
it ain’t no shock to us
all that tossin’ and shakin’
there ain’t no mistakin’
the daily damage he’s takin’
what I’m sayin’
is that sweet, SWEET lil’ octopus
he totally rattles & rocks with us
he makes my life complete
from his googly eyes to his seven cute feet
his squeak so sweet
when I chews him he speaks
ain’t no toy can compete
I give him my paw
he’s an honorary claw
for DAMN sure
so c’mon
we’re done
go get me a treat
toss a biscuit in the basket
or some cheese to eat
it’s international dog day
man
and so far, anyway
if you gave me a damn survey
you wouldn’t see too many stars, let’s say

amazing grazer

~ jim clayton ~ 5 Comments

I could just see
Stanley
off in the distance
tugging on grass
with the persistence
of a hungry cow or calf

why, I don’t know
maybe he just chose
to get some roughage
to stimulate retches
(or fancied a rummage
in the grasses and sedges)

he ignored my whistle
so I thought this’ll
definitely need
a different tack
so took out the lead
and walked straight back

I’m not embellishing
when I say he was relishing
every last blade
in that clump
like he was somewhat afraid
he wouldn’t eat in a month

why he does this I don’t know
so I Googled it when I got home
it could be PICA
which sounds close enough
it’s when you get hyper
and eat weird stuff

I clipped the lead on snappily
but Stanley came happily
like a sated alligator
or an unrepentant diner
led off by the waiter
for something really minor

the trouble with grass is
when the thing passes
and you feel insane
dismay without measure
birthing a skein
like a vet with a heifer

the solar system : you’re welcome

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

the solar system
really is some
special kinda family
hanging quite happily
in vast reaches of nuffin
without much other stuff in

the solar system
really isn’t
what you might call tight
if you drove to Neptune
you’d be driving all night

the sun is the hub
of this planetary club
8 of us surrounding it
busy spinning round it
Mercury closest
(but Venus is toastest)
Pluto way out there
basically a nightmare
nothing much but nitrogen gas
plenty enough to freeze yer ass

I saw a clockwork model of the planets
chuntering on in some museum cabinets
I think they called it an orrery
and if I spelt that wrong I’m sorrery

gaia deniers

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

question: will the human race
ever stop stinking up the place
wisen up and learn from its mistakes?
reading the papers? probably not
because even though brains we’ve obviously got
when it comes to using them we ain’t so hot

we’re great at setting up institutions
fancy places and constitutions
but sensible, international solutions?
you’d have to shrug and say nope
we’re basically a LONG way south of NOPE
the human race is basically a dope

meanwhile the planet buckles and burns
while plutocrats fiddle their tax returns
focused on their business concerns
until the planet shrugs us off
with storms the size of an end-times cough
then settles back down, happy enough

and ants will rise and take dominion
from The Winter Palace to the Brighton Pavilion
(obviously that’s a personal opinion)
and will they fare any better than us?
they’ll certainly be cleaner, no ifs no buts
and won’t do politics – so that’s a plus