Isiah: And the wolf and the lamb shall feed together / the wolf won’t enjoy it whatsoever / while the lamb she owns her shit she’s clever / reads the runes, reads the weather / sees the set-up / doesn’t get het-up / the wolf goes home and trolls no let-up / but the lamb’s in control / posts a poll / glory hallelujah or glory hole / all goes to plan / the wolf cops a ban / while she makes a killing on OnlyLambs

Braverman, Braverman / abracadaver fan / out of the crypt to creep up the ladder man / warm as a body bag, sharp as a cramp / aura of chloroform, top note of damp / shoes of a psycho, suits of a vamp / humanity cavity / lightweight no gravity / viciousness vented / deeply demented / id not hid but ego dented / rancid ambassador / poisonous parameters / medusa’s a loser snakes are for amateurs / waving her flag, raging at boats / would transport her mother for ten more votes

So…erm…whatever you’re thinking there’s a law against it / I’m sorry but they sold it off and fenced it / marches charged and rules upended / courts defriended / giving it all the government’s got / a cross between Clarkson and Oakenshott / dive down the ranking / country’s tanking / you’re only safe if you work in banking / lighting cigars with a bill of rights / doesn’t the army look beautiful tonight?

Dream sequence: May I? says Jesus, my A.I. butler / a cross between He-Man and Ivor Cutler / ever-present, hyper-aware / says rude things but I don’t care / blushing at his language, laughing at his gripes / as he fucks me breathless with chromium pipes / cleaning me up with hygienic wipes / a floozy in the jacuzzi / a diamond doozy / occasionally crazy but I’m not choosy

M’lud – I hardly think the jury needs reminding / not a word of this rap is legally binding

A figure of fun whenever I flex / a wayward witch with a dodgy hex / sex on legs but the legs are wonky / hairy as a goddamn donkey / shabby n’shonky / itchy n’glitchy / singing a song but sounding pitchy / flapping like a flunky / back on Monday / diary to shit and the chocolate chunky / bagga nerves, sick of it / next in line and fine with it

But what’s that clunk? / a fault you thunk? / the hatch just cracked and the submarine sunk / you’re flat on your bunk / in a flop sweat funk / your eyes pop out and you lose your junk / how cheerfully you seem to grin / and welcome little fishes in

Macbeth’s back on the ChatGPT / about Act 5 apparently / Lear on the street / rats on his feet / says they’re his slippers and ain’t that sweet / Prospero and Caliban / camping in a caravan / going to Comic Con, both as Batman / Ariel swoops in late as Robin / does some magically tragic hobnobbing / but not as bad as pixie Puck / who doesn’t give a flying you-hoo

I’m a country boy who knows his onions / restraining orders, court injunctions / veterinary tests, farmyard functions / following all the text instructions / causing ructions / Spiderman without the suction / whacked not woke / sparingly spoke / asks for a rise, they think it’s a joke

Give us this day our daily litre / lines for Paul and shots for Peter / demon cops with tape and tarps / to shut down heaven and haul off harps

Woke up early, unexpectedly me / thought I was human but found I’m a tree / tried to walk and shake the dream / but my boots were roots so I stood and screamed

Pinocchio farts and jumps the table / Gepetto starts and chokes on his bagel / it’s almost fatal / but the fairy knows Heimlich and for that we’re grateful / puppets can be a nice surprise / but it’s good to know your limits, guys

sitting comfortably? / then we’ll begin / watch as I fly us closer in…

to a frog in a suit with a fine cigar / waiting on the forecourt for his fancy car / a beetle-chauffeured bentley / wealthy evidently / looking sharp n’flippered / muscle massage, colon lavage, sauna kippered / wallet zipped / bitcoin dipped / faux political / hyper-critical / chthonic, masonic, anti-woke / not the kinda pond-life bloke / who gives two shits or a flying croak / about climate change and the so-called crisis / knows about shares and pushing up prices

watch as I soar away over town / to see what else is going down…

a puppet laughing as he cuts his strings / bored with the bug and everything / Gepetto staggering in with an axe / scared of fairies, scared of facts / out of control, can’t relax / what you might call a little reactionary / the word transitioning missing from his vocabulary / so the whole adventure unrolls inevitably / painfully slowly / lost and lonely / swinging in a cage with a mean Stromboli / pleasure island donkeys, a whale-sized ship / lampwick, screwball, corner pocket / somebody stop it! / hooves for the salt mine, father! father! / trawling the oceans his bug in a lather / but they all get saved / by the gracious wave / of the blond with the wand in the puppet arcade

stay as we brave the city lights / swoop down low from the glitzy heights…

to the Met Gala carpet, everyone arriving / paparazzi climbing / shouting and fighting / a chorus of smiles for the camera lightning / Gosling in a gimp suit, Timothy in a tux / Kardashian in a mashup of Costa coffee cups / and here comes gorgeous Kendall Jenner / in super slacks by Marks n’Spencer / a monkey and a husky / waistcoats by Swarovski / Stormzy performing in a cellophane onesie / and suddenly I’m done / and I’m flying the drone high over everyone

back to reality, back to the pad / the Holy Grail to Sir Galahad / open the window, let it in / set the drone down and plug it in / download the pics – you get the gist / tomorrow it’s yours to do as you wish / get the shots of the shit that I missed / no no I insist / now fuck this flying, let’s get pissed

Thumping fingers do thy work / make the poem, dish the dirt / heal the pain and ease the hurt / write the rap and be like Kurt / actually not Cobain but Russell / back in the day when he still had muscle / gritting his teeth through his lustrous beard / flame throwing anything acting weird / I’m talking about that film The Thing / because politics isn’t everything / sometimes it’s easier stir frying aliens / than understanding homo sapiens

I’m a sucker for punishment, a fool for caring / underperforming, oversharing / hypersensitive, over-there-ing / A Disney princess suddenly flaring / deep soul baring / lyrically suspect, a teensy bit wearing / yeah – sorry about the way this went / it wasn’t what the producers meant / when they said they wanted a feel-good time / somebody cute who occasionally rhymes / maybe lives in a shack or a castle / gets an unexpected parcel / goes on a quest with a clock and a cat / cute little characters, something like that / chased by a queen like baba yaga / (we’re currently in talks with Lady Gaga) / till in the end she gets the prince / I can tell by your face you’re not convinced

Years ago Thatcher memorably expressed it / Where there’s freedom somebody fence it / where there’s protest move against it / rewrite history like you meant it / non-event & ten percent it / basically where there’s social harmony / scream blue murder and send in the army

I’m ducking n’diving, divvying up / I’m a water boss with a paper cup / family and hungry billionaires to support / spare me some change for the annual report

Hey – time for another quote / lefty lawyers, tofu woke / anonymous blobs and traitorous blokes / till Johnson and the I’ll-Go-Nuts in a dodgy boat / runs aground and screws the vote / Sunak as Hercules (padded suit) / Braverman as Orpheus with a tuneless lute / (unfortunately comes without a mute) / bringing singing into disrepute / making even pacifists shoot / morally bankrupt, the cut in cute / utterly useless / wannabe ruthless / dreaming of tigers but sabre-toothless / crappy, inglorious / long to rain over us / morals from another, malignant universe / Gods give me strength ‘cos the pills aren’t working / I’ll do anything, Zeus – yeah, even twerking

I’m overwrought and out of time / hanging my words on the reading line / letting the sun and the air get to ‘em / maybe one day I’ll go back through ‘em

I’m the Tin Man jazzing up his bolts / with crocodile clips and a thousand volts / staggering out of a junkyard orgy / MDMA and WD40 / meanwhile back in the emerald city / munchkins deal with the nitty gritty / flying monkeys, wicked witches / phoney wizards (sons of bitches) / still they’re used to staying chipper / stovepipe hats & bootleg liquor / happy to sell to the highest bidder / a hatful of straw, an emerald slipper / glad you’re staying, really thrilled / we welcome you to the crack pipe guild

It’s a question of assets, a quota of trust / one minute boom the next minute bust / read the room and screw the optics / you only need cash and antibiotics / I’m sorry to get all messianic / but I hate it when you start to panic / you used to be so damned dynamic / now you’re barely automatic / look at the time – it’s way past caring / take a seat and thanks for sharing

I’ve a sponge for a brain, a zip for a mouth / pupils pointing north and south / earnest, serviced, quite devout / tinker’s tailor, MP’s pout / preaching how to do without / tutting with accusing fingers / why do all these losers linger? / make my fortune, make my day / a back needs scratching – what can I say?

I’m a sexed-up clown in a town of Sundays / shining my shoes and starching my undies / dreaming of tumbles in golden showers / big top crowds and squirting flowers / throbbing red noses / wigs n’ hoses / smacking my lips as the curtain closes

Give us this day our dalai lama / pope-shaped soap, hindu dharma / hide n’sikh, less is mormon / C of E with added sermon / holy wars, anointed airmen / clear to land on runway heaven / St Peter there to wave you straight / to drivers with named harps waiting at the gate / but I’m sorry to burst your holy bubble / religion’s a pill to keep you out of trouble / so bow when the king rides, look the other way / work all week and Sundays pray / it’s the natural order, do your bird / you’re here to work, not stand and be heard / didn’t you know? in the beginning was the word / and I’m sorry to say the word was hard / but when you’re dead you’ll get your reward

I rise to the bait like a shark with the shakes / thrashing and splashing whatever it takes / to swallow the hook, break the boat / fisherman, shark, eukaryote

dad was a doctor, mum was a clerk / I’m tired of thinking, scared of the dark / all I need is a little black cat / a smart wooden ship and a treasure map / compass, cutlass, dreams to guide me / and when I’m done a lie to hide me

balloon dog storms the best in show / owners joyous but whaddya know / when the judges wave him onto the podium / they pin a rosette and the dog explodium

I’m a junkyard jesus on a wonky cross / of broken needles and bottle tops / when suddenly a dodgy local tradesman / roars into view on his harley davidson / leathers say resurrection chapter / round a smiling white-winged velociraptor / he stands there smoking at the foot of the mound / scratching his head and looking around / hey, I call down, why’d ya do this? / he flexes his bicep, tat says Judas

I’m back of an ambulance running south / a needle for my vein, a mask for my mouth / it’s always the same, rhyme over reason / open heart then open season / it’s how shit works, generally speaking / is that my knee or my conscience creaking?

take your pills and learn the four step / waltz outside and clap on your doorstep / money for bosses not money for nurses / save your sermons for the empty churches / poor lil’ nowheres – so bereft! / took a hard right when they shoulda turned left / property good, proper wages theft / shut the hell up, your betters know best

And it’s quiet on set, please – lights, camera, action / casting for words with a modicum of traction / cute sounding fragments of sweet abstraction / but it’s less addition, more subtraction / a jackdaw’s nest of raw distraction

Okay shaky, hit me some news / I’ve got the fear and I’ve got the blues / politicians smiling as they’re interviewed / stats and stories misconstrued / headlines made and facts abused / they like to keep you well confused / so they can score more gold as the planet gets screwed

I’m a Kaiju counsellor strategizing / taking notes on matters arising / godzilla on the couch, catastrophizing

I’m a lazy ghost in a vaping store / watermelon ice across the floor / chuffing and puffing through creaking doors / writing on mirrors, slamming drawers / why is haunting SUCH a chore?

By the way – the store looks neat / but I’ll buy me some shoes when I find me some feet

I’m a spy balloon in a shopping arcade / gathering intel for the easter parade / Spiderman, Trump, celebs in hats / the Duracell Bunny, Biden in spats / and suddenly that’s that / game over / locked and loaded, ready for the changeover / if you’re sure that’s really all you’ve got / I’ll fly back to base and upload the lot

Seize the day, Jim – carpe diem / I donated my knees to the local museum / with carpet burns if you wanna see ‘em / along with all the other exhibits / but hurry – they close in a coupla minutes

Okay, UK, I feel your pain / steady as a tent in a hurricane / where CEOs blow and non-doms reign / and power means never having to explain / the funding streams of your golden domain / where the heads get the hats and fuck the extremeties / they love austerity, hate amenities / they’re used to strife without any remedies / and that’s one hundred percent the truth / (who’d have thought a country could produce / so much corruption under one roof?)

‘tis a consummation devoutly to be wished / now pass the bottle, Bill, let’s get pissed

It’s hand, foot & armageddon / burn the books and pass the weapon / party first and family second / destiny smiles, eternity beckons / we’ve got about a minute I reckon

Asking myself again – what IS this / dumped on the corner like a tree at Christmas / but I suppose that’s how it goes in show business / one minute baubles, the next scared shitless / life’s ridiculous / often ambiguous / an experience gift for a cannula at Dignitas

I’m caught red handed, in cahoots / on OnlyFans as Piss in Boots

I’m queuing at the local high street cleaners / back of a pack of bloody hyenas / I don’t know what they’re laughing at / the service here is not all that

I’m a werewolf in a salon chair / waving my clawsy paws in the air / howling fix this goddam hair / the moon’s nearly full and I’m having a mare / so they do me a perm / which is bouffant and firm / and I look like an influencer, sexy and stern / and I pay them with silver and make them squirm / the swivel chair straddle / my wolf teeth dazzle / then lyco-skedaddle / off to the beach for a doggy paddle

I’m screaming at the live-streamed crash / a plate on my lap of schnitzel and mash / the commentary’s crap! totally trash! / jabbing my fork and making a splash / on my Nazi shorts and oily thatch / my big cleft chin, my toothbrush moustache

I’m the Daily Mail with poisonous tropes / smiling as the hangman shows me the ropes

I’m dining on a sinking ship / paid for dessert so I’m finishing it

I’m facing death with Staff Nurse Moses / snapping his fingers for a hallelujah bolus

I’m captive after the revolution / a witness for the persecution / pleading with the jury for a fair conclusion / but they’re used to all my shameless shit / they laugh and talk and hawk and spit / I can tell from here they’re just not having it / shaking their heads when I ask to acquit / NO! screams the judge as she whacks her hammer / Off to the slammer! / fifteen to life for a feckless manner

A chilly welcome to the land of Mogg / mists and mellow fruitfulness, poisonous fog / where you keep your head down and work like a dog / for off-book, outsourced, zero hours Mcflog / while the corporate hogs and political partners / piss through rights and public charters / legal non-starters / protest martyrs / laughing at the news from yachts in harbours

Remember when you clapped for carers / turns out you were only there to scare us / politically prepare us / to be smacked down and beaten / as the crisis deepened / profits skimmed and services cheapened / offshore gold stores nicely sweetened / the magic money tree’s in the Garden of Eton

So – the gingerbread man caught a ride with the fox / but the deal was dodgy and they hit the rocks / in a real-life, wildlife, snack-attack shock / but hey – what did ginger really expect? / so much effort to such little effect / run a little faster, be more select / trust a biscuit to trust a fox / ferry you across? / when you’re mostly fondant and your buttons are boss?

Say hello to bitcoin Barbie! / barbecue stylie / heart of plastic, smile like kylie / hyper-aware / thousand yard stare / 1.5 million followers out there / drives a Ferrari / drinks Bacardi / happy as a cop at a taser party

skip with me…

hey nonny nowhere, Jimmy can’t wait
the full moon’s rising, the hour’s late
there’s a wolf in the garden, a butcher at the gate
there’s a doctor at the door with a big covered plate
giving you a grin
drawing a syringe
his collar’s turned up
so
don’t…let….him….IN!

I’m free as a fart in the late cretaceous / huge and horny and happily herbaceous / munching in swamps that are shit but spacious / but dearie lord and goodness gracious / the atmosphere is quite outrageous / implausibly clawsy and dentally tenacious / why is everything so damned predacious?

I’m a pirate waving his cutlass har-haaar / as he crashes into a seaside bar / demanding to know where the diamonds are / but no-one seems to give a shit / it’s out of season, they’re out of it / a little disappointing I must admit / mate! stow yer noise and quit / yawns the barman, wiping the bar a bit / costume’s great – love the stitchin’ / the curly beard is proper bitchin’ / if you’re lookin’ for work we’re short in the kitchen

I’m a dog on lead, a cat on sax / blasting through the latest tracks / from our platinum album Petallax / rider of bourbon and salty snacks / it’s all good, man, jes’ relax! / we’ll soothe your ears if you scratch our backs

I’m noah’s ark sailing toward / whatever was left when the waters roared / a domestic crew of animals on board / a mouse with a mop, a lion with an ironing board

I’m Gary Cooper in a bar with chaps / snarling hey! this party slaps

I’m a wealthy clown with a squirty cigar / spinning tie and comedy car / rubber teeth and hair bizarre / who goes into politics and gets quite far / as the party-loving ethics tzar

I’m Colonel Mustard in the conservatory with the aneurysm / causing another family schism / the Reverend Plum / acting dumb / thy kingdom come, thy will be done / the old soak’s dead let’s have some fun

I’m a hokey poem about faith n’devotion / stuffed in a bottle and tossed in the ocean