I’m lurching, searching, anything it takes / amoxicillin on a birthday cake / the teddy bear witness they thought was bluffing / squatting on the toybox shitting his stuffing

I’m a cruiser in the loser lounge / snoozing as the booze goes round / thumbs up, heels high, head down / suddenly taking myself to task / with a mobile phone and a 7 day pass / getting all zombie on your ass / calling and crawling on broken glass

I’m a kiwi fruit at banana time / Can’t Touch This by Rodgers & Hammer Time

I’m Theseus lost on a stag night / a minotaur with a maglite / don’t sweat it, it’s alright / the monsters they have for hire these days / are fully licensed to work in the maze

That’s me in the corner, a little bit awks / the deadhead opposite of great Ted Talks / body of a model on the bones of a horse / pretty much gone by all reports / a pair of cheap trainers, some boxer shorts

I’m heading to the river with a pocket of stones / a heart full of dreams, a head full of ringtones / is there room on the broom for a shit like me? / singing, talking endlessly / relentlessly / while miles below our dangling feet / the water sparkles cold and deep

I kneel to a bearded God in heaven / with my dog, my shades and my AK47

I’m boozy & cruisy / big time bougie / Willy Wonka wasted & woozy / looking for love and no longer choosy

I’m the Conservatives on a right wing Odyssey / with a flatpack sense of western democracy / dodgy money and rampant autocracy / the whole thing so broken it’s a total shock to me / talk to me / this patient needs urgent electoral surgery / wheel him straight through for a Toryotomy

So relax and let me take you back ta / the experience that was Margaret Thatcher / iron lady comin’ right at ya / you’d need a Peter Jackson to manufacture / that hairdo, handbag, demonic stature
she’s all like:
where there’s discord, bring forth harmony
where there’s riot, bring forth army
where there’s despair, bring forth hope
trident missiles and a periscope

GOTCHA!

I’m headphones of fury on ears of despair / I’m realistic hands and fake blue hair / I’m a legendary nuisance in a club of such / I’m Long John Silver without the crutch / I’m a chimp in sliders, a croc in crocs / I’m a draggy vampire mint in the box / I’m dress down fridays at the naturist spa / Kurt Cobain writing Come As You Are / I’m a sellotape magnate stuck in his Porsche / a plate of potatoes, a bowl of old borscht / I’m Skeletor raving in a second hand suit / I’m Burger King merging with King Canut / I’m a gramophone playing in the ballroom of the Titanic / two miles down in the north atlantic

I’m a jolt in a juicebox, a robot on stilts / I’m Otzi the iceman tucked up in quilts / I’m an IOU in a champagne bottle tossed in the ocean / I’m the Fool in Lear, I’m Olaf in Frozen / I’m a robot in a junkyard, a crank on stilts / I’m trading my name for a Gucci bag of gilts / I’m lost on my way to the loser convention / I’m taking my brain to another dimension / I’m Wu Tang Clan in a sellout at Denny’s / I’m Dirty Ol’ Bastard rapping for pennies / Hi – I’m Rick / back-up Horseman of the Apocalypse / wasting his time on TikTok clips / as asteroids rain and mountains slip / and cyclones blow and The Rapture rips / and the sun tumbles into eternal eclipse / and I look up startled – wait – what did I miss?

I’m a debutante with a gin and twist / I’m Fermat’s Theorem on a shopping list / I’m a shark with toothache, a mozzie with cramps / I’m psycho killer with a book of stamps / a horrified horologist whose time elapsed / a Bake Off baker whose mousse collapsed / I’m a fly on the window, a dog in the bank / a sneeze in a hospital, a fart in a tank / I’m Rish Sunak in a full on funk / I’m a cat on steroids, a dog on junk / I’m Frosty the Sneerman, Asterix the Glob / I’m Sam I Am versus Sideshow Bob / I’m a Chat Test Dummy on a wipe clean sofa / surfing tsunamis of coca-cola / I’m flippers in a dive shop flooded by rain / and I’m clicking my heels three times to get home again

I’m a bat in a graveyard, a rat in spats / I’m tense and nervous and I can’t relax / I’m Suella Braverman in the Conservatory with The Axe / flak jacket and rucksack / boat quotes and kickbacks / and more and more I’m drifting off track / lost in despair & alternative facts / feeling the rope go dangerously slack

I’m driven to distraction, riven by cramps / I’m Rishi Sunak and the Practice Amps / I’m Charlie Three with a book of stamps / I’m the lamps going out all over Europe / interest rates soaring up / survivalists storing up / society needs shoring up / but wait a minute – stop / it’s okay / I’m sure America will lead the way / Democrats kicking Republican butt / as Trump goes feral and limbers up / for one last run at the White House Cup

I’m a butcher bashing through bone and gristle / with a teary eye and a cheery whistle / sausage rolls and nuclear missiles / saying okay I think this’ll do / now is there anything else I can get for you? / something warm to roast the rowdies? / planes and drones for our friends the saudis? / I like to keep my customers happy / (show me complaints, I show you the alley)

I’m Elon Musk and the Dead Sea Trolls / I’m democracy with parental controls / The Rapture with sliders and parasols / a TikTok Putin with barbie dolls / that’s so droll / now shut your mouth and pass your bowl / sprechen sie deutsch? hablas español?

I’m a puppet on prozac, a PM on sticks / I’m a glue for crosses called Crucifix / I’m a total numpty, a clown, an eclipse / I’m David Blane on a train without tricks

I’m a paparazzi mosquito / I’m Nicholas Cage in leopard print speedos / reel after reel of egos in tuxedos / who knows / it’s how it goes / everyone looking for a prince, I suppose / increasingly desperate to find n’kiss / any frog who’d be happy with this

I’m a gimp in a hard hat, a puss in boots / I’m the Met police with a bunch of recruits / who know when to taser, when to salute / who to wave through, who to shoot / who to chat to, who to mute
photo sharing
grievance airing
joke comparing
long hard staring
sizing you up for ankle tag wearing

I’m all the glory, none of the pain
I’m available for after dinner speeches again

It’s the Season of Sorry, the Year of The Splat / the country in chains, the Cat in the Hat / dreaming of heating & stuff like that / while traders call waiters with finger snaps / for fat cigars and a round of schnapps / chin chin old boy for the cool collapse / stuffing their pockets with Scooby snacks / while politicians lube-up, ready to practise / on the people least able to bear the taxes / okay, relax – this won’t hurt / we’ll go nice n’slow as we lovingly convert / public services to public desert / and we do so thank you for your effort / yeah? been there, done that, got the t-shirt

I’m a pay rise in amber, a fossilised note / I’m a stand-in Lansbury on Murder She Wrote / the iceberg lettuce that sank the boat / eeny, meeny, minority vote / lock the gates and fill the moat / pack off your children somewhere remote / in God we trust but the rest we yoke / and greed thereto I plight thee my troth / fetch more butter ‘cos I think we’re toast

thought police don’t stop for lunch / a ham baton and a chocolate crunch / too busy being the worst of the bunch / ceaselessly waging their war on woke / cos truth’s in dispute and history’s broke / and not for the likes of you ordinary folk / certain words’ll make you choke / so stick to McFacts and Diet Coke / and try to sound a little more stoked / and whatever you do, don’t provoke us / hold that shit and stay focused / think of the positives / we’ll take care of where the profit is / (offshore accounts and safe depositories)

I’m a sarky old soak, a sneaky insider / a hot ghost laughing in the hadron collider / cackling we’re fifteen seconds from disaster / technicians sneering & saying who asked her

I’m too bright to look at, too rich to tax / handshakes, signatures, sealing wax / a corporate snort in a kevlar tux / putting on lippy on the lip of the vortex / but don’t freak out, don’t stress your cortex / take to the floor and I’ll show you some more steps / you can zumba with zombies, waltz with the dead / cha cha with changes and ballet with bread / we sympathise with how you’re feeling / now leave us alone for some insider dealing

I’m Wile E. Coyote running off the canyon / flapping his arms looking straight to camera

I put the Frank in Stein, the Mork in Mindy / I’m Jacob Rees-Mogg with a kid up the chimney / I’m a flat-pack character, a no-good hack / a messiah for hire and coming back / with a clockwork cock and a brain to match / two left feet & rainbow thatch / so get on the blower and call dispatch / it’s your lucky day, people – I’m unattached

I’m habeas coruptus / government interruptus / many more suckers than you’d see on an octopus / but it shouldn’t be a shock to us / the cost to us / it’s nothing personal just profit & loss to us / heads I win tails you lose / turn the other cheek and take the bruise / make your bed or make your move / there’s nothing left for you to prove / be like Madonna, get into the groove

They say there’s one born every minute / promised the earth but the sky’s the limit / even if you don’t question what’s in it / you’re complicit / who cares how sweetly you timed the visit / If I die before I wake / I pray the lord to send tornadoes and earthquakes / the howling spirits of underworld namesakes / battalions of bugs roughly my birth weight / a couple of discount plagues would be great / okay? / hey? / whaddya say? / if you could get back to me some time today / sooooo / I suppose what I really want you to know / is I’m not some putz you can just let go

And lo! The terrible lightning flashes! / and the phoenix screams and rises from the ashes / but instantly flips and spectacularly crashes / well – we are where we are / another scorched hen propping up the bar / hell – I coulda been a contender / I just needed luck and some better weather / an arse-load of slightly less flammable feathers

So we break the glass and grease the locks / drag another puppet outta the box / Robin in a hoodie, a wolf in socks / Coma Beauty, Puss in crocs / a text just arrived from Goldilocks / diagnosed with Stockholm syndrome / forcibly sprung from the magic kingdom / a fairytale intervention / but now she says she misses the bears / on witness protection in wigs n’flares / sitting alone at the top of the stairs

I’m sorry – I had a bad dose of The Clowns / the virus gone viral and doing the rounds / I came out in squeaks and my pants fell down / vomited confetti / all over the settee / my smile red n’wild and my wigged brains heady / till I swapped my horn for a sharp machete / woke up with lions on the Serengeti

but enough about me – how are YOU?

I’m watching a queasy teaser / a savant detective finds a friar in a freezer / but the frosty geezer / looks familiar / it’s his long lost brother / who became a monk when he fell out with their mother / and the other brother / the ‘Tec / knuckled down and joined the Met / but ten years later he’s a psychic wreck / drinking to keep the demons in check / the whole thing looks like utter dreck / but there’s only one season so what the heck

I’m a confused robot / yes but no but / snarky / reverse parking / arse sparking / 3.1415 ding / getting hi on pi, thanks for asking

I’m making a cake for a crime correspondent / police line don’t cross, blood-red fondant

I’m Alice running after the Rabbit / saw the watch and had to have it / caught him, nabbed it / whacked him with a mallet / staggered round Wonderland with a growing cake habit / channelling my inner Phyllis Diller / every joke a one-line killer / that Humpty Dumpty – Jeez, what an egg! / that’s not what you want when you ask for head / some klutzy kingpin all scrambly in bed

I’m Donald Duck versus Donald Trump / wrestling for dollars on the Republican Stump / Proud Boys jacked, packing, totally pumped / standing by getting ready to jump / with Elmer Fudd and Wile E Coyote / strung out on Bud and Acme peyote

I’m caught between a rock and a hard place / i.e. basically another rock / so basically what I think you’ve got / is rock, then me, then rock / however you cut it, a bunch of crock / (maybe in another language / they’d call this thing a shit rock sandwich)

I’m Jiminy Cricket / ripping up his ticket / swinging off through the fake Disney thicket / told Pinocchio where he could stick it / dick / wishing on a star – I’m sick of it

I can’t think, can’t speak / I’m down on my uppers, up shit creek / sans hope, sans paddle / saddle sore & totally raddled / so I scuttle the canoe / what else can I do? / toss the red pill, take the blue? / Noooo nooo noooo

so

anyway

this is not the droid you’re looking for