I put the Frank in Stein, the Mork in Mindy / I’m Jacob Rees-Mogg with a kid up the chimney / I’m a flat-pack character, a no-good hack / a messiah for hire and coming back / with a clockwork cock and a brain to match / two left feet & rainbow thatch / so get on the blower and call dispatch / it’s your lucky day, people – I’m unattached

I’m habeas coruptus / government interruptus / many more suckers than you’d see on an octopus / but it shouldn’t be a shock to us / the cost to us / it’s nothing personal just profit & loss to us / heads I win tails you lose / turn the other cheek and take the bruise / make your bed or make your move / there’s nothing left for you to prove / be like Madonna, get into the groove

They say there’s one born every minute / promised the earth but the sky’s the limit / even if you don’t question what’s in it / you’re complicit / who cares how sweetly you timed the visit / If I die before I wake / I pray the lord to send tornadoes and earthquakes / the howling spirits of underworld namesakes / battalions of bugs roughly my birth weight / a couple of discount plagues would be great / okay? / hey? / whaddya say? / if you could get back to me some time today / sooooo / I suppose what I really want you to know / is I’m not some putz you can just let go

And lo! The terrible lightning flashes! / and the phoenix screams and rises from the ashes / but instantly flips and spectacularly crashes / well – we are where we are / another scorched hen propping up the bar / hell – I coulda been a contender / I just needed luck and some better weather / an arse-load of slightly less flammable feathers

So we break the glass and grease the locks / drag another puppet outta the box / Robin in a hoodie, a wolf in socks / Coma Beauty, Puss in crocs / a text just arrived from Goldilocks / diagnosed with Stockholm syndrome / forcibly sprung from the magic kingdom / a fairytale intervention / but now she says she misses the bears / on witness protection in wigs n’flares / sitting alone at the top of the stairs

I’m sorry – I had a bad dose of The Clowns / the virus gone viral and doing the rounds / I came out in squeaks and my pants fell down / vomited confetti / all over the settee / my smile red n’wild and my wigged brains heady / till I swapped my horn for a sharp machete / woke up with lions on the Serengeti

but enough about me – how are YOU?

I’m watching a queasy teaser / a savant detective finds a friar in a freezer / but the frosty geezer / looks familiar / it’s his long lost brother / who became a monk when he fell out with their mother / and the other brother / the ‘Tec / knuckled down and joined the Met / but ten years later he’s a psychic wreck / drinking to keep the demons in check / the whole thing looks like utter dreck / but there’s only one season so what the heck

I’m a confused robot / yes but no but / snarky / reverse parking / arse sparking / 3.1415 ding / getting hi on pi, thanks for asking

I’m making a cake for a crime correspondent / police line don’t cross, blood-red fondant

I’m Alice running after the Rabbit / saw the watch and had to have it / caught him, nabbed it / whacked him with a mallet / staggered round Wonderland with a growing cake habit / channelling my inner Phyllis Diller / every joke a one-line killer / that Humpty Dumpty – Jeez, what an egg! / that’s not what you want when you ask for head / some klutzy kingpin all scrambly in bed

I’m Donald Duck versus Donald Trump / wrestling for dollars on the Republican Stump / Proud Boys jacked, packing, totally pumped / standing by getting ready to jump / with Elmer Fudd and Wile E Coyote / strung out on Bud and Acme peyote

I’m caught between a rock and a hard place / i.e. basically another rock / so basically what I think you’ve got / is rock, then me, then rock / however you cut it, a bunch of crock / (maybe in another language / they’d call this thing a shit rock sandwich)

I’m Jiminy Cricket / ripping up his ticket / swinging off through the fake Disney thicket / told Pinocchio where he could stick it / dick / wishing on a star – I’m sick of it

I can’t think, can’t speak / I’m down on my uppers, up shit creek / sans hope, sans paddle / saddle sore & totally raddled / so I scuttle the canoe / what else can I do? / toss the red pill, take the blue? / Noooo nooo noooo

so

anyway

this is not the droid you’re looking for

I’m a five star general in a two star diner / a glutton unbuttoned on a grimy recliner / listening to advisors / advise about the sizes / of the sundry survivors / the medal wearing hardons in the hadron collider / while you listen and glisten / with sweat from the neck because heck you’re out of condition / positioning yourself in line with the bucks / the right wing press and the army trucks / the gourmet butchers in paper tux / the sweet dollar flux / of a life lived in luck / luxury lines at discount rates / but wait / your words flail me / roll me over and assail me / and the best I can manage / is a little brave smile and collateral damage / so what am I missing / I went for a smoke in the intermission / the rowdy crowd wowed into submission / by the sick and sudden collapse / of the erstwhile clown and king of the rats / who dreamed of robots queuing in line / programmed to wait for better times / system code like nursery rhymes / hey diddle diddle / the whole thing’s a fiddle / the cow blew up like a balloon / the little dog unpleasant / on antidepressants / and the dish ran away with the spoon / too soon? / and excuse me for asking but where was the moon / in this dumb ass tune? / wasn’t that supposed to be part of the business? / what IS this? / I want explanations / not twitter evasions / they don’t fitcha / so go shake’ your shit like a polaroid picture / keep things snappy till we come to evict you

let me out here – I think this is my full stop .